Who Hijacked Our Country

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Retroactive Changes I’ve Made

Some people are calling Mitt Romney a slimy little sleazebucket for retroactively retiring from Bain Capital three years before he actually retired.  I personally am going to put this in a positive light and see the glass as half full.

If a White House candidate can retroactively retire from his vulture capital firm three years before that company’s job-destroying binge started getting really hot and heavy — think of what this means!  Obviously there is “some kind of loophole in the space-time continuum” (taken from the linked article), and Mitt Romney is simply the first one to discover it.  Now that we all know about it, the possibilities are endless.

To whom it may concern:  that lame-ass cliché I uttered in court — “he was dead when I got there” — has now been changed to “I wasn’t there.”

Like most people, I’ve held a bunch of low-level dead-end booorring jobs during my checkered career.  But no more.  Retroactively, I was the CEO and general manager of several telemarketing firms, the president of a tiny huge non-profit political organization, and a highly-paid insurance executive with perks up the yinyang.

And I have never, ever, used any expletives or done any name-calling on this blog.  If anyone should find an older post that appears to use profanity, uhh, it was taken out of context.  Or something.

And best of all:  I can finally take that tacky “My Other Car is a Mercedes” bumper sticker off my old rusty sputtering Ford.  My car IS a Mercedes.

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Anonymous Judi M. said...

And didn't you also invent the Mac...and the interwebby-thingy???

July 17, 2012 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger Mr. Charleston said...

Wow! What a great idea. I really did lay Bo Derek.

July 17, 2012 at 2:54 PM  
Anonymous Jess said...

I was retroactively married to Johnny Depp, and still am, since we are going meta with this one. I also invented porn and lolcats on the internet toob thingys.

July 17, 2012 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger Jerry Critter said...

The ability to rewrite history has been a speciality of republicans for a long time.

July 17, 2012 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger S.W. Anderson said...

I wish Romney's loophole in the space-time continuum would make it possible for the prep schoolmate he humiliated to get his revenge. On national TV. In prime time.

July 17, 2012 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

I uncancelled Kolchak.

July 18, 2012 at 5:17 AM  
Blogger jadedj said...

Rest assured...Dr. Who is looking into this phenomenon.

July 18, 2012 at 5:37 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

And you can keep the health coverage you have now.

July 18, 2012 at 6:46 AM  
Blogger okjimm said...

oh oh oh... what A great idea....lemmee go cash in that Apple Stock I bought years and years ago

July 18, 2012 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Judi: I did indeed invent the interwebby thing. I told my close friend Al Gore about my idea, and he took all the credit.

Mr. C: I did too.

Jess: Inventing porn and being married to Johnny Depp -- you've had one heck of a life.

Jerry: That's one of the few things they're good at.

SW: That would certainly be poetic if Romney's prep school victim could yank Mittens back to 1965 and beat the shit out of him.

Randal: Good idea; I can think of a few TV series I could uncancel.

jadedj: I look forward to seeing his findings.

okjimm: That's an excellent idea, and I just copied it. Right now I'm back in 1998. I've just bought a bunch of shares in some new company called Google. I have a good feeling about this.

July 18, 2012 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

I can keep the health care I have now, after it was taken away from me by the Obama administration! Oh wait, it wasn't ever taken away from me... my bad!

I can keep my rifle that was taken away from me by the Obama administration! Oh wait, it wasn't ever taken away from me... my bad!

I can continue to worship how/where/when I please, like I used to be able to before Obama came along... Oh wait, that right wasn't ever taken away from me... my bad!


July 19, 2012 at 11:31 AM  

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