Retroactive Changes I’ve Made

Some people are calling Mitt Romney a slimy little sleazebucket for retroactively retiring from Bain Capital three years before he actually retired.  I personally am going to put this in a positive light and see the glass as half full.

If a White House candidate can retroactively retire from his vulture capital firm three years before that company’s job-destroying binge started getting really hot and heavy — think of what this means!  Obviously there is “some kind of loophole in the space-time continuum” (taken from the linked article), and Mitt Romney is simply the first one to discover it.  Now that we all know about it, the possibilities are endless.

To whom it may concern:  that lame-ass cliché I uttered in court — “he was dead when I got there” — has now been changed to “I wasn’t there.”

Like most people, I’ve held a bunch of low-level dead-end booorring jobs during my checkered career.  But no more.  Retroactively, I was the CEO and general manager of several telemarketing firms, the president of a tiny huge non-profit political organization, and a highly-paid insurance executive with perks up the yinyang.

And I have never, ever, used any expletives or done any name-calling on this blog.  If anyone should find an older post that appears to use profanity, uhh, it was taken out of context.  Or something.

And best of all:  I can finally take that tacky “My Other Car is a Mercedes” bumper sticker off my old rusty sputtering Ford.  My car IS a Mercedes.