Republicans Have Become More Tolerant and Open-Minded Since Last Month’s Election

NOT


Before the 2012 election, Republicans were perceived as a bunch of dimwitted misogynist bigots who think the Earth is 6,000 years old and insist there’s a War On Christmas.  Since then, GOP leaders have talked about modernizing their image and reaching out to women, minorities and working people.  Here’s a progress report:

Twenty-five percent of Republicans want their state to secede from the United States.

And 49% of Republicans think the 2012 election was stolen by ACORN.  There’s just one problem with this theory:  ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) went bankrupt and disbanded in 2010.  But hey, don’t let a few facts get in the way of a nice soothing feelgood rush of tinfoil hattery.

As somebody at Talking Points Memo said:  “GOP outreach — this might take awhile.”

But on the bright side — for Republicans — there really IS a war on Christmas.  But conservatives are wrong about what’s causing the War on Christmas.  It has nothing to do with that devil-worshiping cashier who says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

Christmas is threatened by global warming.  Extreme drought could ruin the Christmas tree market.  Almost two thirds of the U.S. mainland (i.e. the Lower 48) is currently in drought conditions.  This year’s Christmas tree crop hasn’t been affected, but future Christmases might not be so bright.  As the linked article says:

“The prolonged drought has hurt the growth of newly planted trees, which take years six to 12 years to reach full height. The more mature trees have developed root systems to survive little water, meaning growers expect normal supply for the holiday season. Since the youngest trees lack enough water to develop their roots, they die off quickly.”

OK, so Christmas might be derailed by climate change, which is either non-existent or God’s Will.  Go ahead, rightwads — spin your way out of this one.