Warning: Another Disease Epidemic!

Christ, enough already! Bird Flu, SARS, West Nile Virus, AIDS…Now what?!? Now, watch out for Intermittent Explosive Disorder. (Not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.)

OK, Intermittent Explosive Disorder isn’t technically an epidemic. It’s not contagious. But, sixteen million Americans are already suffering from this crippling disease. That’s about five to seven percent of the population. Please extend proper sympathy.

The next time you’re stuck behind a slow driver who gives you the finger (or worse) when you finally honk at him; or if another driver tries to run you off the road — don’t think nasty obscene thoughts. This poor individual has been afflicted with Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Now, we could be politically incorrect and call this disease by some of its earlier names: road rage, having a quick temper, or just being a self-centered cocksucker throwing a tantrum.

If this trend keeps going, you won’t be able to call anybody names any more. No matter what you think of someone, there’ll be an official disease that the “victim” is “suffering” from. Quaint terms like Asshole, Son of a Bitch and Dickhead will soon be replaced with “victim suffering from _________________ disorder.”

Remember the final season of “Designing Women” — Julia Duffy (she was the blueblood hotel maid in “Newhart”) played her usual pouting self-centered role. Only this time, instead of just being a bitch, she had been diagnosed with OPD: Obnoxious Personality Disorder. It was funny at the time, but now this shit is too close to the truth to be funny any more. (OK, it’s still funny.)

Is this a good trend? Are we heading in the right direction? Should every loudmouth motherfucker — every inconsiderate boorish fuckhead — be greeted with love and sympathy instead of contempt? Just wondering.

PS: Please excuse all the swearwords in this post. I was recently diagnosed with EPD: Excessive Profanity Disorder.