Who Hijacked Our Country

Monday, June 05, 2006

Warning: Another Disease Epidemic!

Christ, enough already! Bird Flu, SARS, West Nile Virus, AIDS…Now what?!? Now, watch out for Intermittent Explosive Disorder. (Not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.)

OK, Intermittent Explosive Disorder isn’t technically an epidemic. It’s not contagious. But, sixteen million Americans are already suffering from this crippling disease. That’s about five to seven percent of the population. Please extend proper sympathy.

The next time you’re stuck behind a slow driver who gives you the finger (or worse) when you finally honk at him; or if another driver tries to run you off the road — don’t think nasty obscene thoughts. This poor individual has been afflicted with Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Now, we could be politically incorrect and call this disease by some of its earlier names: road rage, having a quick temper, or just being a self-centered cocksucker throwing a tantrum.

If this trend keeps going, you won’t be able to call anybody names any more. No matter what you think of someone, there’ll be an official disease that the “victim” is “suffering” from. Quaint terms like Asshole, Son of a Bitch and Dickhead will soon be replaced with “victim suffering from _________________ disorder.”

Remember the final season of “Designing Women” — Julia Duffy (she was the blueblood hotel maid in “Newhart”) played her usual pouting self-centered role. Only this time, instead of just being a bitch, she had been diagnosed with OPD: Obnoxious Personality Disorder. It was funny at the time, but now this shit is too close to the truth to be funny any more. (OK, it’s still funny.)

Is this a good trend? Are we heading in the right direction? Should every loudmouth motherfucker — every inconsiderate boorish fuckhead — be greeted with love and sympathy instead of contempt? Just wondering.

PS: Please excuse all the swearwords in this post. I was recently diagnosed with EPD: Excessive Profanity Disorder.


Blogger PacBlueWater said...

Agree with you there. They've got a disorder for everything you do nowadays. oh yeah whatever happened to someone just being an a--.

June 6, 2006 at 1:37 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Pacbluewater: Yeah, it just seems like nobody is ever wrong, or responsible for their own actions. If some deranged asshole is trying to ram my car, I'm not gonna be thinking "oh, the poor dear, he must be suffering."

June 6, 2006 at 2:18 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Poor little people with all these poor little disorders... go away! I've got enough problems, look at me wrong and you'll be the victum of a new disorder, my fist in your face disorder!

June 6, 2006 at 7:39 AM  
Blogger Mags said...

Don't forget "restless leg disorder." They have a pharmaceutical for that now.

June 6, 2006 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Jill: Ah yes, the fist in face disorder. Another epidemic that's affecting millions of innocent Americans.

Mags: Restless leg disorder, eh? I used to always be getting yelled at for jiggling my feet and tapping my fingers. Those insensitive people just didn't realize I was suffering from a disorder.

June 6, 2006 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

i suffer from EBD- excessive bullshit disorder. i seem unable to wallow in bullshit without becoming irritable and condescending. at present, there is no cure, but I hope to find one by 2008.

June 6, 2006 at 3:24 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ken: I've been suffering from that same affliction too. It started around January of 2001. I'm hoping to find a cure for it in November of 2008. Hopefully there'll be some symptom relief starting in November of '06.

June 6, 2006 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

I'm sure some defense attorney will haul it out in court in the near future...

June 6, 2006 at 5:53 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J. Marquis: Oh yeah, these "afflictions" and "disorders" could be a field day for lawyers.

June 6, 2006 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger PoliShifter said...

Take a look at our leaders. Examples to live by...

June 6, 2006 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

PoliShifter: Yup, talk about "trickle-down." I couldn't even begin to think of all the "disorders" Bush and Co. are suffering from. I guess that means they aren't responsible for their actions.

June 6, 2006 at 8:10 PM  
Blogger spaceneedl said...

if you're going to have intermittent explosive disorder, what better place to have it than florida?

there you can shoot first and ask question later, and it's all perfectly legal!

"[This law] says to people: You can stand your ground and if you feel reasonably threatened that harm is going to come to you," CBS News Legal Analyst Andrew Cohen said. "You can fire away."

finally a place violent folks can call home without being made to feel, you know, like criminals...


June 7, 2006 at 11:38 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Spaceneedl: Yup, that sounds like a marriage made in Heaven -- Florida and people "suffering" from Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Sorry it took so long to publish your comment -- Blogger was down for several hours.

June 7, 2006 at 5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody old enough to remember the Twinkie Defense?

Let's keep one thing in mind, it takes lots of Moolah to use a excuse like this in Court - the average guy will just hauled away while the guy with bucks will be sent to the new IED wing of the Betty Ford Clinic


June 8, 2006 at 1:42 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: Oh yes, the Twinkie Defense. Who could forget that?

If Dan White hadn't committed suicide, that IED clinic is probably just where he'd be.

June 8, 2006 at 4:05 PM  

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