Who Hijacked Our Country

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The War on Christmas: A Progress Report

Yes, the War on Christmas is heating up. We’re gaining more underground soldiers and extending our tentacles further and deeper into every facet of American society. By the time the talking heads even know what's about to happen, we’ll already be — well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The other day Mike HuckaHuckaBurnin’Jesus gave his standard speech in Iowa — with a little tailoring for the holidays: “I know this is probably a very controversial thing, but may I say to you, Merry Christmas…What’s wrong with our country, what is wrong with our culture, is that you can’t say the name Jesus Christ without people going completely berserk.”

AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! There's that word again. $&#$%&!#$#%#&%$#&!!!! And every time I hear somebody gushing on and on about that whiny colicky squealing Baby Jesus, I just SNAP! I want to knock over every crèche I see, and then jump up and down on it until it’s in little pieces and then keep stomping on the pieces until they're smithereens! I want to knock the Christmas packages out of those goony shoppers’ arms and kick them across the store and SMASH them. GGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

(By the way, I don’t know if this qualifies as a name freak or not, but Huckabee’s “Family-Values Jesus-Hates-Homasexials” speech was delivered in the town of Dike, Iowa.)

As we all know, our most significant victory of the year was scored by al Qaeda in Brazil a few days ago. Yeahhh!!! You Go Satan! The score so far: Secular Humanists 1, Santa 0.

And this is only the first of many victories we’ll be winning in the coming years. Christmas is like a house infested with termites (that’s us). By the time the damage is visible, it’ll be too late. The house will CRUMBLE. COLLAPSE! Christmas will be deader'n a doornail! BWAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!

Bellow Riley thinks he's just scoring points with Christians when he rages on and on about the “War on Christmas.” He has no idea who he's fuckin’ with, or of the fact that he hasn’t even started to scratch the surface yet. If he only had the tiniest clue of the extent of this underground network, the coming jihad…

I now have a copy of The Book. I'm IN!!! This book has all the information an anti-Christmas terrorist needs. It has every guerilla/sabotage/jihad tactic ever devised, and a detailed list of underground contacts. I got it for Christmas.

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Blogger Miss Kitty said...

If our stupid country elects that Bible-thumping, inbred moron next year, I will KNOW we're headed straight down the path to hell. And we thought Dubya was bad.

Also, I'm still trying to figure out how Christians can be oppressed in a country where basically every fucking thing stops on Dec 24 and 25 of each year. Christians have been in charge since, oh, AD 300, so oh yeah, I can see the oppression. Sure. Maybe it's that in order to enjoy an important religious holiday, some people have to feel oppressed. Sheeeit.

That kind of crap is why I no longer call myself Christian. I don't want to be identified with those assholes. I don't think Jesus would, either.

Love your post, Tom. You know the Chreeestians are thinking exactly what you posted. :-P

December 23, 2007 at 8:01 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Tom, you are a vile, evil man!

You are Satan Claus incarnate. You are surely going to HELL for writing such a post!

Really, I did love it. We liberals are only out to kill joy in the world, and to tell other people how to live, nothing more. We are basically a harmless people.

December 23, 2007 at 10:03 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Miss Kitty: Thanks. I don't know if that many people actually believe there's a "war on Christmas" or whether it's just something manufactured by Fox News. But rightwing broadcasters sure do play up this theme. Christians are oppressed, and homosexuals have too many special rights and privileges. Oooookay.

Snave: Ah yes, evil and vile. We liberals are going to ruin everything that's fun, including God's plan for a Christian Nation.

December 24, 2007 at 12:41 AM  
Blogger Suzie-Q (S-Q) said...

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year too!


December 24, 2007 at 10:40 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Thanks Susie-Q (S-Q). I wish you a Merry Christmas and a great year in 2008.

December 24, 2007 at 11:03 AM  
Blogger Lizzy said...

Happy Holiday!

December 24, 2007 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Thanks Lizzy. Happy Holidays to you too.

December 24, 2007 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

Man, don't ya hate it when you wake up in the morning and realize it's not 1953? This whole thing about considering other people's feelings is such a drag. It makes my white, heterosexual Protestant head just about explode!

Happy holidays, Tom. Glad you're on our side.

December 24, 2007 at 4:49 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Miss Kitty, you are going straight to hell.

Actually MK, I LOVE your comment. You listed some of the major reasons why I can also no longer call myself Christian, and why I have gotten further and further away from believing at all. Do you have a blog? I'd like for you to come visit my blog sometime, if your comment is any indicator, you might like it.

As George Carlin said, "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

Tom: Merde Christmas to you! I hope Shatta Claus is good to you and all of yours this season!

December 24, 2007 at 5:56 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J. Marquis: Well, I guess I don't mind minorities and poor people and people who don't believe in God -- as long as they know their place. They'll all be going to Hell anyway, so I suppose we should be nice to them while they're here.

But yes, the 1950s were the greatest era, when a man didn't have to apologize for being White and successful and believing in God. Happy Holidays to you too.

Snave: Great quote by George Carlin. Merde Christmas to you and yours. Hope Satan Clause, er, Shatta Claus is good to you this year.

December 24, 2007 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger LET'S TALK said...

Merry Christmas Tom Harper to you and your family and have a Happy New Year!

December 25, 2007 at 2:23 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Let's Talk: Thanks. And I wish a Merry Christmas and excellent year in 2008 to you and your family.

December 25, 2007 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Oh Tom, this is a truly great post! Well, I want you to know I certainly did MY part in the war. I didn't put up a tree (we have a new, rather rambunctious cat, and with the house on the market and people traipsing thru, there was no way that would work.) I did all my shopping on the internets so I didn't have to deal with putting pocket change in those stupid bell-ringers' pots. When I did go out, I tried to scowl a lot.

Seriously, hope you and yours had a truly GREAT day, Tom! Also hope you didn't overeat as much as I did...

December 25, 2007 at 9:32 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Candace: Thanks. Hope you and your family had a great holiday.

We've skipped a Christmas tree in previous years because of the cats. There's no sound in the world quite like the sound of a fully decorated Christmas tree tumbling over with a cat perched in it. We have a larger place now and we have a separate room for the tree that the cats don't have access to.

December 25, 2007 at 10:01 PM  
Blogger Steve Hayes said...

I have been assured that the "war on Christmas" is an urban legend.

Are you telling me it isn't so?

December 25, 2007 at 11:53 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Steve: Ah yes, the evil secular humanists are pretending there's no such thing as a war on Christmas. But that's just so that decent Godfearing folks will let their guard down and allow Christmas to be destroyed by liberals :)

December 26, 2007 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger Mauigirl said...

I'm so with you - I hate this "war on Christmas" stuff. And Miss Kitty is so right - how can Christians be the oppressed ones here???

Hope you are having a wonderful holiday week anyway!

December 26, 2007 at 9:35 AM  
Anonymous kip said...

Hey, all you liberal progressive secularists out there! In the words of Tiny Tim: Merry F'n X-mas!

December 26, 2007 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Mauigirl: Yup, it's unreal, all this blather about a "war on Christmas" and Christians being "persecuted." They're the ones doing the persecuting (some of them, anyway).

I'm having a great holiday week and I hope you are too.

Kip: I second what Tiny F'n Tim said.

December 26, 2007 at 12:31 PM  

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