Scott Walker Declares War on Christmas

When I saw this article yesterday, I was sure it was either a hoax or something from a tongue-in-cheek website — e.g. The Onion — that somebody took seriously.  But apparently not.

Last week, Governor Scott Walker's campaign sent an e-mail urging Walker's supporters to forgo buying Christmas presents for their children, and instead donate that money to Scott Walker's re-election campaign.

(Here are some links.)

And this article has a screenshot of the offending e-mail:

Here is the email in full:
 

Straight from the Horse's Ass's Mouth.  Like they say, you can't make this shit up.

And speaking of Scott Walker, let us remember The Rude Pundit's immortal description of him: “...a man who looks like he just huffed spray paint fumes while rubbing a dead possum against his face.”

It looks like all those rightwing pundits were correct after all:  There really IS a War on Christmas.  This war isn't being waged by pagan cashiers who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”  It's being waged by Patriotic Biblehumping Union-busting Scott Walker and his henchmen.

Please Help Jon Kyl Go Home for Christmas

The War on Christmas is getting more brutal than ever this season. This time it isn’t just pagan cashiers saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Those devious liberals are finding more and more subtle, insidious ways to piss on Jesus.

As you’ve probably been reading, Senate Republicans are doing their usual stalling tactics against the New START agreement, the omnibus appropriations bill to keep the government running; you name it. Time is running out. And now Harry Reid — did somebody give him a spine for Christmas? — has announced that the Senate will work through the Holidays, if that’s what it takes to get their work done.

And this threat, this sacrilege — the Persecution of Christians! — is not sitting well with Senator Jon Kyl:

“It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out without doing — frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff.”

Of course, if the Senate would just VOTE on these bills — instead of filibustering and delaying and putting holds on everything — they’d probably finish their work in time to go home tomorrow. But try explaining that to a Republican.

Meanwhile, Jon Kyl might not get to go home and open Christmas presents with his family. To borrow a phrase from one of his biggest idols — Jon Kyl would like his life back.

The War on Christmas: A Progress Report

Yes, the War on Christmas is heating up. We’re gaining more underground soldiers and extending our tentacles further and deeper into every facet of American society. By the time the talking heads even know what's about to happen, we’ll already be — well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The other day Mike HuckaHuckaBurnin’Jesus gave his standard speech in Iowa — with a little tailoring for the holidays: “I know this is probably a very controversial thing, but may I say to you, Merry Christmas…What’s wrong with our country, what is wrong with our culture, is that you can’t say the name Jesus Christ without people going completely berserk.”

AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! There's that word again. $&#$%&!#$#%#&%$#&!!!! And every time I hear somebody gushing on and on about that whiny colicky squealing Baby Jesus, I just SNAP! I want to knock over every crèche I see, and then jump up and down on it until it’s in little pieces and then keep stomping on the pieces until they're smithereens! I want to knock the Christmas packages out of those goony shoppers’ arms and kick them across the store and SMASH them. GGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

(By the way, I don’t know if this qualifies as a name freak or not, but Huckabee’s “Family-Values Jesus-Hates-Homasexials” speech was delivered in the town of Dike, Iowa.)

As we all know, our most significant victory of the year was scored by al Qaeda in Brazil a few days ago. Yeahhh!!! You Go Satan! The score so far: Secular Humanists 1, Santa 0.

And this is only the first of many victories we’ll be winning in the coming years. Christmas is like a house infested with termites (that’s us). By the time the damage is visible, it’ll be too late. The house will CRUMBLE. COLLAPSE! Christmas will be deader'n a doornail! BWAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!

Bellow Riley thinks he's just scoring points with Christians when he rages on and on about the “War on Christmas.” He has no idea who he's fuckin’ with, or of the fact that he hasn’t even started to scratch the surface yet. If he only had the tiniest clue of the extent of this underground network, the coming jihad…

I now have a copy of The Book. I'm IN!!! This book has all the information an anti-Christmas terrorist needs. It has every guerilla/sabotage/jihad tactic ever devised, and a detailed list of underground contacts. I got it for Christmas.