Who Hijacked Our Country

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Conservatives: Liberal Bias is Everywhere

It’s bad enough that the news media is run by a bunch of liberals who want to tear down everything America stands for. But now it turns out things are worse than anyone ever suspected: even the Bible was written by liberals.

Well that explains a few things. It‘s time to set the record straight once and for all.

America was founded by He-Men who KNEW what Jesus really stood for. Manifest Destiny was NOT inspired by some long-haired pansy who drove the moneychangers from the temple and went around lisping about “let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Liberals wrote all that shit. Two thousand years of socialism and political correctness will be expunged from the Bible.

The Conservative Bible Project is finally going to rectify this terrible prank that's been played on the American people.

The original Bible only contained one passage:

“And if a man lie with mankind, as with womankind, both of them have committed abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”

With those immortal words of wisdom, what else do you need?

Labels: ,


Blogger Lew Scannon said...

If they can change the Constitution to allow torture, illegal wiretaps and indefinite incarcerations, they can change anything.

October 6, 2009 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

"Conservapedia?" Good grief, now I've seen everything. Lew is right...

They do seem to be into the King James Bible, but if anyone ever made this into a crusade, they would pick another version immediately:


October 6, 2009 at 7:25 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Lew: Yup, they've changed the Constitution and they've redefined science so that it means exactly what they want it to mean. It was just a matter of time before they got to the Bible.

Snave: King James was gay? Who knew. The wingnuts will have to rewrite that in a hurry.

October 6, 2009 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

I've felt for a while that the conservatives would really like to dump the New Testament. Way too much tolerance and community stuff in that part of the book.

October 6, 2009 at 9:18 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

The conservapedia loons might as well save their time and effort. Lunatic fringers will have their own bible when — and only when — this false prophet writes one.

October 6, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Holte Ender said...

The holy word of God, written in 2009. What a joke.

I agree with Lew and JM. That New Testament is too soft, now the Old Testament, that's a man's Bible, fire and brimstone, raining frogs, rivers of blood, pillars of salt, sacrifice your kids, kill your brother, live to be 900 years old, tribal warfare.

October 7, 2009 at 5:49 AM  
Blogger lisa said...

Oh yes that pesky thing called the Constitution,except the 1st and
2nd amendments of course.

Still waiting for Obama to repeal the wiretapping thingy. But I guess they realized "Hey this wiretapping thing is a good "


October 7, 2009 at 7:06 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J: I agree, it was just a matter of time. It must be awkward for them to keep on thundering about gays (and everything else they hate) and their only reasoning is "because the Bible says so!" and at the same time they're studiously ignoring the parts of the Bible they disagree with.

SW: Ah yes, the Rush Bible. Ask for it by name.

Holte: That sounds kinda neat. It could be a video game.

Lisa: Uh, this post was about the Bible and you're talking about the 1st and 2nd Amendments and wiretapping. OOPS.

October 7, 2009 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

Yeah, that whole New Testament thing is pretty inconvenient.

Last weekend, I re-read the Gospels, and noticed that when asked which one of the Ten Commandments is greatest, Jesus includes "love thy neighbor as thyself" in both accounts of the story (Matthew 19 & 22). Then I looked back to Exodus 20 for the original Commandments...and realized "love thy neighbor as thyself" wasn't among them.


October 7, 2009 at 9:33 AM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

Oops, forgot to add:
My composition classes are based around mass media and popular culture, and the more the students and I pay attention as we watch, we realize mass media's really there just to keep everyone playing their little stereotyped roles in the patriarchy.

The media are only as liberal as the big businesses that own them.

October 7, 2009 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Miss Kitty: "Love Thy Neighbor???"

That's the exact kind of touchyfeely liberalism that needs to be deleted from the Holy Book :)

October 7, 2009 at 9:36 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Miss Kitty: "The media are only as liberal as the big businesses that own them." That pretty much sums it up. I don't think the media are conservative or liberal. Like most industries, making maximum profit is the one and only goal. And the media industry makes the most money by keeping their audience on-edge and tense (so they'll buy more of the products being advertised) but not informed.

October 7, 2009 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

Bibles and wiretaps and TARPS and blowing shit up across the sea, I want to know when Hussein X is going to get around to fixing the national joke that is the Browns. Tampa has won a Super Bowl and the only people that live there are porn stars with breast implants and dessicated old folks.

October 7, 2009 at 10:32 AM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

lisa farted,

Oh yes that pesky thing called the Constitution,except the 1st and
2nd amendments of course.

But aren't your bunch the ones who always insist that the Bible needs to replace science books? And please, spare us the "1st Amendment" stuff-I've been told by several of your kind that they'd like to do a 2nd Amendment on me for the crime of disagreeing with your beloved monkey Messiah.

October 7, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

Miss Kitty, every Good Book needs a good editor to prevent just that kind of thing. Matthew evidently tried to do without. ;)

October 7, 2009 at 12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Bible is already Conservative. When Emperor Constantine wanted to embrace Christianity but he was concerned about the “Jesus thing” Jesus thrashing the money lenders and that “.. easier for a Camel to pass the eye of the needle then a richman to go to Heaven..” line. He had the Bible changed so that Christianity would be the religion for Kings, Billionaires and such, which allowed the Church (es) to collect big sums of money and put it into Huge Cathedrals and (eventually) Huge Tax Free Corporations, which is why we have Popes and Archbishops! Anybody who has read about Jesus would be scratching their head about that part.

The Conservatives already threw out the Old Testament when they used the Bible to justify Slavery and Jim Crow. It was Martin Luther King who argued New Testament against Jerry Falwell’s Old Testament (yes they’ve debated).

Or they just disregard facts. I used to watch Jimmy Swaggert and Oral Roberts on TY (hey they came on before Rocky and Bullwinkle). They would simply put Jesus in Old Testament settings and make him out to be one of vengeful agents of God.

What worse could they do it this book that hasn’t already been done over these thousands of years?


October 7, 2009 at 4:01 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Erik nailed quite a large portion of it, and Miss Kitty nailed it too.

I'm looking forward to reading the conservapedia bible. I"m looking forward to picking it apart. So far, what I've seen is truly funny material. They replaced "pharisees" with "intellectuals"...bwaaaaahahahaha

October 7, 2009 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Randal: Don't worry, Obama will probably get around to solving every football team's problems, but not until after he's shortened everybody's summer vacation and made sure each and every American has gotten a Swine Flu shot.

JR: Some of these rightwing bloggers and pundits are all in favor of the first amendment -- as long as you agree with everything they say.

Erik: Good summary. I don't think they could do much more than they've already done. They've gotten so good at disregarding the 90% of the Bible that contradicts them, who needs a rewrite?

Bee: If that Conservapedia Bible ever actually gets written, I'll probably link to it under the "comedy" heading, where I already have WorldNetDaily and a few other wingtard sites listed.

October 7, 2009 at 7:30 PM  
Anonymous Carlos said...

What the fuck will these brain-numb morons try next? I suppose it's nothing new though; people change the bible every now and then. But I wonder who's changing it this time. Some "pastor" named Cletus with a "church" in a strip mall in Boaz, Alabama? Give me a fuckin' break.

October 8, 2009 at 1:34 AM  
Blogger lisa said...

JR my bunch are not bible thumpers. That's like saying your bunch are all KKK members.

"The media are only as liberal as the big businesses that own them."

Like the GE owned MSNBC currently sitting in the Obama administration.

Ah... But I am sure someone will figure out how to weasel out of that I presume.

October 8, 2009 at 7:41 AM  
Blogger Demeur said...

I say they should let Sarah Palin do the rewrite. Then you'd find it in the comedy section of the book store.

October 8, 2009 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Carlos: "Some "pastor" named Cletus with a "church" in a strip mall in Boaz, Alabama?" LOL. Actually it's three brothers -- Cletus, Bubba and Clem. Maybe they aren't even brothers but they all look alike.

Lisa: So General Electric is a "liberal" corporation? OK, got it.

Demeur: Sarah Palin rewriting the Bible, LOL. "And then they drove those gosh darn nails through his hands, but he was a maverick and he came right back 3 days later..."

October 8, 2009 at 11:12 AM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

lisa spittled,

JR my bunch are not bible thumpers. That's like saying your bunch are all KKK members.

No, the KKK would also be your bunch. You do know where those "family" folks got their mailing lists, don't you?

October 8, 2009 at 11:31 AM  
Blogger lisa said...

Well actually GE is a capitalist organization. No such thing as a liberal capitalist. Remember? Just ask Michale Moore. He has all the facts on that one.

October 8, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Holte Ender said...

Old Version: It would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Conservapedia Version: If a camel can pass through the Cumberland Gap loaded with loot, free ticket to heaven.

October 8, 2009 at 2:39 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

"No such thing as a liberal capitalist. Remember?"

Which makes George Soros what, exactly?

Not all capitalists are as successful as Soros and the great majority have little or no name recognition. Like me, for instance. I'm a liberal capitalist.

October 8, 2009 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger Ricardo said...

Great now I have to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots who are going to blame me and every other Jew over the Jesus thing.

It's Mel Gibson all over again.

October 10, 2009 at 5:15 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ricardo: Mel Gibson will probably be listed as a holy figure in this "new" Bible.

October 10, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Ricardo said...

Saint Mel. LOL!

October 10, 2009 at 3:06 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home