Governor Scott Walker Commits Suicide
A copy of his suicide note was leaked to the press. It reads in part:
“…I can’t go on any more. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. For the last few months I’ve been absolutely mesmerized — intoxicated! — with feelings of power and invincibility. But lately I can't shake off this nagging horrifying realization that I’m just a stooge for the moneybags who purchased my political career for me. And I can't get rid of this sickening sense of self-loathing, self-hatred.
“I keep thinking to myself ‘I’m the Governor God Damn It!’ but when I look in the mirror, all I see is an errand boy. A gofer. A puppet. A prostitute!!! I’m owned, lock stock and barrel. I’m a kept man. I can’t scratch my nose or take a shit without getting permission from one of my owners. I’m just a skanky street-walking five-dollar-a-night hooker, except her pimp is probably nicer to her than my pimp is to me. When my bosses give me an assignment and I can’t carry it out because of some judge or the liberal media, they — they — they make me take off my — I can’t talk about it.
“What kind of example am I setting? I can’t let my wife find out what a pitiful cowering sissy I am. And someday she’ll probably see that photo of me with my hands around my ankles while Dick Armey and David Koch — I can’t even say it. I can’t go there. And I hope to God my children don’t turn out like me.
“I thought I’d get used to all the posters and billboards and bumper stickers, but it just gets worse every time I see one. Every time I look out my limousine window and see 'Scott Walker Sucks Koch' for the umpteen hundredth time, I just want to curl up and die.
“I’ve had enough. Buh Bye.”
And a Happy April Fool's Day to you too.