Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, April 01, 2011

Governor Scott Walker Commits Suicide

A copy of his suicide note was leaked to the press. It reads in part:

“…I can’t go on any more. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. For the last few months I
ve been absolutely mesmerized intoxicated! with feelings of power and invincibility. But lately I can't shake off this nagging horrifying realization that I’m just a stooge for the moneybags who purchased my political career for me. And I can't get rid of this sickening sense of self-loathing, self-hatred.

“I keep thinking to myself ‘I’m the Governor God Damn It!’ but when I look in the mirror, all I see is an errand boy. A gofer. A puppet. A prostitute!!! I’m owned, lock stock and barrel. I’m a kept man. I can’t scratch my nose or take a shit without getting permission from one of my owners. I’m just a skanky street-walking five-dollar-a-night hooker, except her pimp is probably nicer to her than my pimp is to me. When my bosses give me an assignment and I can’t carry it out because of some judge or the liberal media, they — they — they make me take off my
I can’t talk about it.

“What kind of example am I setting? I can’t let my wife find out what a pitiful cowering sissy I am. And someday she’ll probably see that photo of me with my hands around my ankles while Dick Armey and David Koch — I can’t even say it. I can’t go there. And I hope to God my children don’t turn out like me.

“I thought I’d get used to all the posters and billboards and bumper stickers, but it just gets worse every time I see one. Every time I look out my limousine window and see 'Scott Walker Sucks Koch' for the umpteen hundredth time, I just want to curl up and die.

“I’ve had enough. Buh Bye.”

And a Happy April Fool's Day to you too.


Blogger jadedj said...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. The cruelest of all jokes...one that preys on wishful thinking. Evil.

April 1, 2011 at 4:25 AM  
Blogger Jack Jodell said...

HAAAA! I knew that was an April Fools joke early on. For the real Scott Walker is far too dishonest, ignorant, and in too much complete denial to have written any kind of note like this.

April 1, 2011 at 7:36 AM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

Good one, Tom. Jack makes a good point, but I'll add arrogant and certain it will all blow over and three, four years out, the sheeple will re-elect him.

That is, with a little help from his very special friends — cash, attack ads against his opponent, dirty tricks, smear campaign. They might even get Walker some very special electronic voting machines, if Kasich's backers haven't bought them all up.

April 1, 2011 at 12:25 PM  
Anonymous Jolly Roger said...

I've been telling people.... paper ballots. Even though Czar Kashitch I has stated he isn't interested in a second term, his pals will still be around.

April 1, 2011 at 4:15 PM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

Good one, Tom. Walker has definitely has definitely riled up the hornet's nest.

April 1, 2011 at 7:25 PM  
Blogger Beekeepers Apprentice said...

I knew it was too damned good to be true.

Happy April Fools to you, too :)

April 2, 2011 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

jadedj: That's what I was thinking when I was writing the post. "Damn, why couldn't this be for real?"

Jack: That's true, an asshole like that isn't capable of any sort of remorse or self-examination.

SW: Yes, let's add arrogance and certainty to the mix. Let's hope it turns out to be the "hubris before the fall."

JR: In the county where I live, all voting is done through the mail. Works for me.

J: Let's hope he gets stung good.

Bee: Yup, too good to be true.

April 3, 2011 at 9:21 AM  

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