President Obama’s Signature Failure in Iraq
by Mitt Romney
President Barack Obama — by pulling out of Iraq, by playing cut and run — is guilty of Epic Failure. Signature Failure. Songbird McCain was absolutely right: President Obama deserves nothing but “scorn and disdain” for pulling American soldiers out of Iraq.
Now, full disclosure: I come from a wealthy family. Very very wealthy. I’ve had an extremely sheltered pampered life. I wouldn’t know a military uniform if it came up and bit me on the you know what. OK, anyway…
When we were busy fighting in Iraq and still looking for those Weapons of Mass Destruction, we were also building a new American Embassy in Iraq. And this new embassy was going to be the largest embassy in the world. Now, if we were planning to just pull out of Iraq after a brief eight-year skirmish, then why in the H-E double hockey sticks did we spend all that money building the largest embassy in the world? This is the exact kind of financial shortsightedness that a Mitt Romney Administration will NOT tolerate.
And another thing. I know failure when I see it. I bought, castrated and sold a lot of companies during my distinguished career with Bain Capital and other private equity firms. Every time I had to fire an employee — and trust me, I’ve fired jillions of them — I tried to sugarcoat it. You know: “Your position has been eliminated.” “Your job has been outsourced.” “This isn’t your fault; I purposely ran this company into the ground so I could sell it at an obscene profit.” But now that I’m moving onward and upward, I’m going to be totally blunt. Each and every one of those workers I fired was a signature failure. A total loser.
When I become Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America, the motto of the Mitt Romney Administration will be: Failure is NOT an option! America is the Greatest Country In The World! America is unique in all the world. Exceptional! Nobody in my administration will ever EVER apologize for America.
Any country that looks cross-eyed at America, or says anything even slightly disrespectful — we will Invade that country. No, we won’t just invade. We will OCCUPY that country FOREVER. And in each one of these American-occupied countries, America will build the world’s largest embassy; bigger than the “world’s largest embassy” record-holder before it. And right now, that list of countries includes — but is not limited to — Iran, Syria, North Korea, Venezuela…and ANY other country that even THINKS about questioning America’s Exceptionalism.
Come on now, American People. The last of the “not Mitt Romney” flavors of the month have crashed and burned. You’re stuck with me. I’m much too bland and sterile to ever ever have any scandals that would embarrass America. And again, I will never apologize for America. And any time the Mitt Romney Administration invades another country — America will be there for the long haul.