EXCLUSIVE: Previously Unreleased “Hot Mic” Comments from Mitt Romney

The media has jumped all over Mitt and Ann Romney’s “hot mic” conversation that was picked up by reporters.  By now we all know about Mitt Romney’s secret plan to eliminate the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).  And it’s common knowledge that Ann Romney — while pretending to be just devastated when Hilary Rosen accused her of having never worked a day in her life — was secretly gloating that Hilary Rosen’s comment was an early birthday present.

But that hot mic conversation had a lot more comments, which — until now — have not been released to the public.  Below are some excerpts:

Mitt:  “I hope a lot more crazy dictators start saber-rattling, so I can do my tough guy routine.  It sure worked when I lashed out at Iran and North Korea.  Gosh, I wouldn’t know the first thing about mobilizing the troops or sending out an aircraft carrier to intimidate our enemy of the week.  But that doesn’t matter.  All I have to do is scrunch up my face and spit out some sort of drivel like ‘There will never be a nuclear Iran with President Romney in the White House,’ or whatever, and millions of dimwitted warmongers just fall all over me.  I’ve got them eating out of my hand.  I’m about as intimidating as a glass of milk, but they don’t know that, heh heh.”

Ann:  “Oh Mitt, Dahling, since you like to fire people so much, can you please do something about one of the maids?  I forget her name, but she’s in charge of the upstairs bathroom on the south wing.  She missed a spot in the bathtub, and the other night when we were entertaining the Roves, there was a smudge on the medicine cabinet mirror.  It was just so, [gasp] so gauche.  Such an embarrassment.  Won’t you be a love and take care of this?”

Mitt:  “Should I be worried about all these flipflops I keep doing, you know, and everybody calling me Etch-A-Sketch and stuff like that?  I keep trying not to say anything specific, anything beyond a vague slogan.  If I say something specific, and then I change my mind, I’ll have another flipflop on YouTube.  But in the meantime, I have hundreds of past flipflops that have already gone viral.  Can the Democrats actually use these contradictory statements of mine in their TV commercials?  Or is there some sort of law we could invoke to stop them from doing this?  Or maybe we could ask the Supreme Court to make some sort of emergency ruling.  Can we do this?”

Mitt:  “Also, we have to keep pumping the Mormon Church for more contributions.  I know they’ve already given me millions, but they’re good for a lot more than that.  Heck, they purchased the California election results for that Proposition Hate, I mean Eight.  Surely they can do the same thing for me, purchase the White House for me, can’t they?”