George Zimmerman’s Body Found — Apparent Suicide

George Zimmerman — the neighborhood watch captain who shot Trayvon Martin in cold blood — has been found dead, apparently the victim of a self-inflicted gunshot.  Authorities found the following crumpled up note lying near the corpse:

“I committed the perfect crime, and what did it get me?  I can’t live with this any more.  I was never worried about going to jail.  My buddies at the Sanford Police Department will keep covering for me.  And with my father’s connections from when he was a judge in Virginia — I’ll never be prosecuted for anything.

I’m probably the most famous person in America right now, and for all the wrong reasons.  My name and picture are all over the news, night after night.  Late night comedians and bloggers keep making fun of me and dragging me through the mud.

But the worst part of it is, I’ll never be a cop now.  And that was my dream.  I had it all planned out.  I’d start off as a neighborhood watch volunteer.  I’d be visible all the time, always out patrolling and glaring at everybody, calling 911 all the time.  It was getting where every time I called 911, the dispatcher would sigh and go ‘yes George, what is it this time?’  Cool, huh?  This job really rocks.  I figured I might rough up a few skinny teenagers, children, old people, intimidate everybody, show how tough I am.  And eventually the Sanford Police Department would be impressed and they’d hire me.

Sure I have a criminal record.  Assault, domestic violence, stuff like that.  Shit, all cops do that.  That wouldn’t have kept me off the force.  Nope, the reason I’ll never be a cop is because that scrawny 140-pound Trayvon Martin kicked my ass.  I’m twice his size.  How the fuck did that happen???  My nose still hurts, and now it’s crooked and I can’t get any girls.

And worst of all is the taunts and jokes I keep getting from my buddies down at the precinct.  ‘Don’t worry, Zimmie, we’ll keep you out of jail.  But we can’t protect you from those bad-ass 140-pound teenagers, heh heh.’

My dreams have been shattered, I’m the national laughingstock, Fuck You All.”

And a happy April Fools’ Day to you too.