I’ve Seen the Error of My Ways: We NEED Unions
by Scott Walker
My life has been so sheltered and privileged, I’ve simply never had the tiniest inkling of what it means to work for a living and why labor unions are so important for working people.
But after yesterday’s game between the Green Bay Packers and the Seattle Seahawks, the point was brought home to me. It’s all so clear now. Oh, what an utter despicable douchebag I’ve been. We NEED labor unions.
And suddenly I understand this. I never had anything against labor unions before; I just didn’t understand what they meant. My corporate bosses told me to destroy them, so I did.
But now that I’ve suddenly grasped the situation, I realize how many hundreds of thousands of lives I’ve ruined with my disgraceful union-busting. Not only the lives of workers who are no longer able to bargain collectively, thanks to me. But also the quality of work we get when employees are underpaid, shat on by their employers and, most of all, when under-qualified scab referees are brought in to replace the referees who are on strike.
My team lost yesterday because of a bad call by a scab referee. After a few hours of binge drinking, kicking the dog and slapping the wife and kids around, I got over it; and I started seeing the bigger picture. It’s awful! Hardworking people whose wages have been reduced. By ME.
People who called the fire department, and a bunch of inept scabs responded. They were late and they couldn’t put out the fire. People whose children are taught by underpaid unqualified teachers because the best teachers have left the school system to find something more lucrative.
There are hundreds of examples like this. And it’s eating me up. I sincerely apologize for being a cocksucking son of a whore; just an errand boy — a prostitute! — for a few corporate conglomerates.
I can no longer live with myself. I am humbly asking the public: Is there any possible way I can redeem myself and turn my life around and be a useful citizen? Or should I go get my gun and do the honorable thing?
Please be honest.