Paul Ryan RESIGNING from U.S. House of Representatives

Paul Ryan — U.S. Congressman from Wisconsin and failed vice presidential candidate — has abruptly announced his resignation from Congress.  During the 2012 election, opposition researchers dug up a lot of incriminating information on Paul Ryan.  According to sources, he wants to get out of the public eye before even more damaging information gets revealed.

Paul Ryan’s credibility took a huge hit last fall when it was revealed that his own family was rescued by Social Security, after a family tragedy, when Paul was sixteen.  As you know, Congressman Paul Ryan has spent the past few years trying to get rid of Social Security for everybody else.

Paul Ryan was also deeply embarrassed — or should have been anyway — when it was reported that he had made numerous requests for federal stimulus money for his district in Wisconsin, AFTER having repeatedly slammed the “failed” stimulus as being ineffective and wasteful.

And there’s the ongoing rumor that Paul Ryan traded on insider information right before the 2008 crash.  This hasn’t been proven of course, or he’d be in jail as we speak.  But the grapevine has it that investigators are still probing some of his financial dealings and they’re getting a little too close for comfort.

And then there are the lies.  Jillions of them.  Lies just for the sake of lying, not even to cover something up.  Or as one journalist put it, “Lies, damn lies, statistics, and Paul Ryan.”

Most damaging of all, of course, has been Paul Ryan’s simultaneous devotion to the Bible AND Ayn Rand.  In a recent interview, Ryan confided:

“After decades of touting Ayn Rand’s Objectivist philosophy — you know, that needy people should either get a grip or curl up and die — I finally decided to actually read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged so I’d know what I was talking about.  And I was like ‘Holy Fuckin’ Christ, she’s an ATHEIST!’  I mean, couldn’t my campaign managers have, uh, TOLD me about that???  Christ on a pony, here I was, day after day, year after year, plugging the Bible AND Ayn Rand at the same time.  Fortunately, most of my Biblehumping constituents were probably too dumb to notice the contradiction, but still…”

He added:

“And on top of that, Ayn Rand looks like a bull dyke.  God Damn, what a dog!  Her mother must have pounded on her with an ugly stick.”

When asked what he’d be doing after he leaves Congress, Paul Ryan said:

“My two favorite hobbies.  Hunting — if it moves, shoot it!  Heh!  And fitness.  As you know, I can bench press 580 pounds for forty reps, and then, without even stopping to catch my breath, jump up and run a mile in less than three minutes.”