The Teabagger’s Guide to Washington, D.C.

If you love America — and hate that Kenyan Commie who stole the White House — then you are probably on your way to Washington, D.C. this Saturday to lick the feet of Glenn Beck. (And any other kinky things you want to do with Him are nobody’s business but yours. “Not that there’s anything wrong with it.”)

First: Thank you for your service to the ‘baggers, birthers and other Decent Americans who want to take our country back. To 1951.

Second: Washington, D.C. is a scary, dangerous place. It’s full of furriners, Negroes, homosexuals, liberals, faceless government bureaucrats and immigrants. Swarthy immigrants, most of whom are from the Middle East or [cue scary soundtrack] Africa.

OOOOHHH!!!

Fortunately, Bruce Majors, your fellow teabirther, has written a guide. This will help YOU as you navigate your way through this den of iniquity.

Now, even though Washington D.C. is full of creepy crawly liberals, welfare recipients, queers and bureaucrats, you’ll PROBABLY be safe if you follow these simple guidelines:

Homosexuals probably won’t attack you or buttfuck you in front of your wife and children — IF you don’t make any eye contact, talk in a deep voice or take the wrong subway by mistake.

If you should find yourself talking to one of those swarthy African or Arab immigrants — most of them are cab drivers (what else?) — do not engage in idle conversation. If you try to guess what country this person is from, and guess the wrong country, well, just remember, most of those primitive savages are very high-strung and are carrying either a switchblade or a suicide bomb. Just keep your head down, don’t look around, and keep every muscle tensed (quietly!) until you’ve safely reached your destination.

But hey, don’t look so serious. There’ll be a contest for the best George Washington and Thomas Jefferson look-alikes. And whoever can yell out selected out-of-context quotes from the Constitution the loudest will win — well, you’ve gotta be here. Come on now, just four days from now. Or if you’re a veteran (not bloody likely), that’s three and a wakeup.