Who Hijacked Our Country

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Teabagger’s Guide to Washington, D.C.

If you love America — and hate that Kenyan Commie who stole the White House — then you are probably on your way to Washington, D.C. this Saturday to lick the feet of Glenn Beck. (And any other kinky things you want to do with Him are nobody’s business but yours. “Not that there’s anything wrong with it.”)

First: Thank you for your service to the ‘baggers, birthers and other Decent Americans who want to take our country back. To 1951.

Second: Washington, D.C. is a scary, dangerous place. It’s full of furriners, Negroes, homosexuals, liberals, faceless government bureaucrats and immigrants. Swarthy immigrants, most of whom are from the Middle East or [cue scary soundtrack] Africa.


Fortunately, Bruce Majors, your fellow teabirther, has written a guide. This will help YOU as you navigate your way through this den of iniquity.

Now, even though Washington D.C. is full of creepy crawly liberals, welfare recipients, queers and bureaucrats, you’ll PROBABLY be safe if you follow these simple guidelines:

Homosexuals probably won’t attack you or buttfuck you in front of your wife and children — IF you don’t make any eye contact, talk in a deep voice or take the wrong subway by mistake.

If you should find yourself talking to one of those swarthy African or Arab immigrants — most of them are cab drivers (what else?) — do not engage in idle conversation. If you try to guess what country this person is from, and guess the wrong country, well, just remember, most of those primitive savages are very high-strung and are carrying either a switchblade or a suicide bomb. Just keep your head down, don’t look around, and keep every muscle tensed (quietly!) until you’ve safely reached your destination.

But hey, don’t look so serious. There’ll be a contest for the best George Washington and Thomas Jefferson look-alikes. And whoever can yell out selected out-of-context quotes from the Constitution the loudest will win — well, you’ve gotta be here. Come on now, just four days from now. Or if you’re a veteran (not bloody likely), that’s three and a wakeup.

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Blogger jadedj said...

I have been in touch with the White House, and they are in agreement with me...with the blessings of Bin Obama, I might add...that this is an excellent opportunity to round up these people and ship them off to the camps. I'm polishing my jack boots in preparation for this event.

August 24, 2010 at 6:51 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Nice post, Tom... and those links are really scary. Lots of two-facedness going on. Check this out:


August 24, 2010 at 9:24 PM  
Anonymous Jolly Roger said...

1951? 1859 would be more accurate.

August 24, 2010 at 10:59 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

And remember, The Tea Party is NOT about race!

August 25, 2010 at 6:30 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

Yeah, yeah, horrible denizens of DC, but how could you leave out the very worst of all, liberal homosexual negro immigrants who *are* faceless government bureaucrats?

You trying to get Real Americans® killed?

August 25, 2010 at 7:45 AM  
Anonymous Jess said...

The map had to be updated because the buses would not drop them off in the blue zone. What will they do in that other country. Morons are being told to go to Dupont circle and around there to make their way to the rally. That is like the Castro district of DC. How will they survive not only being around, *gasp, the blacks, but "teh gheyz" willbe there too. Hell they may just end up coming back as black homosexuals if they aren't careful about who they hang around with.
For the record, this teabagger had gotten this from another one who lives in DC. It's not his list but taken from another idiot and sent out and about.

Now is anyone else getting the irony here of telling them to avoid, "teh black peeplez" when they are having a gathering on what would be the anniversary of a speech given by one of the most prominent black civil rights leaders we have had, or is this just me being to smart for my own good?

also, too, you betcha Al Sharpton is commememorating the speech of above civil rights leader, in a different area close to the bagger rally. Hey they might get the picture of them being all diverse and not being about race, if the one rallies participants happen to go see the idiots marching. OMG my sides are hurting from laughing about this little FUBAR on Beck. It's too delicious for words and my schaden is freuden , all over the place this morning.

August 25, 2010 at 10:06 AM  
Anonymous Tim said...

Now you know there really crazy, they made a Map and it leads to Elvis. How the hell did they do that. Dopes think their in Memphis.

For some of these people it might be the first time seeing a colored up close and in person. Oh Jesus take the wheel....

August 25, 2010 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Keeping people frightened: it's what the right wing does best!

August 25, 2010 at 2:04 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

jadedj: Damn right. The wingtards keep scaring each other with stories about Obama taking over our lives and declaring martial law. Might as well give them something to yelp about.

Snave: Interesting link. I used to read his column all the time when the Seattle P.I. was a regular "hard copy" newspaper. I still have their news site linked but I never seem to go there any more. He makes good points, that some businesses get all these government subsidies while yelling "government is the problem!"

JR: Why yes, that's the year before that 160-year Civil War started, which the South is still fighting with a vengeance.

Candace: Uh oh, you're not playing the race card, are you :)

Randal: And you forgot to mention -- they're all disabled too.

Jess: It would be funny to have a Candid Camera or "Punk'd" setup, where you could watch the panic among the teabaggers when they find themselves in the wrong neighborhood, surrounded by gays and minorities.

Tim: LOL. "Oh look, dear, a Negro. And I believe that's a homosexual over there." Something to tell their friends about when they get back home to Podunk.

Lew: If people didn't have a fight-or-flight response, no Republican would ever get elected.

August 25, 2010 at 4:41 PM  
Blogger doubler702 said...

The Tea baggers are idiots! All they know how to do is complain and commit crimes. They sure have a lot to say about what they don't want. So I ask, what is their plan on all of the major issues in the U.S.?

August 27, 2010 at 12:34 PM  

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