Devastating News for the Bush Crime Family

[sigh] The best laid plans…Why Lord why??? OK, you’re one of America’s most influential families. Where there’s money to be made, you’re on it. Trading with Nazi Germany in the 1930s, protecting global corporations against those pesky natives — there are fortunes to be made here, as long as you aren’t hung up on some wimpy concept like morals or a conscience.

One of the shrewdest moves for a wealthy family is to own huge amounts of land, in a lot of countries. This way, wherever there’s a new conquest — corporate, military, drug cartels, whatever — you’re right there in the thick of the action. You’re already in on the ground floor.

Being a prominent crime family, you always have an exit strategy, a Plan B, in case things go wrong. After all, your family has several grown-up (chronologically that is) sons who are constantly having business empires handed to them — and they invariably fuck everything up. Mass layoffs, millions of dollars lost, companies going out of business — yawn. Daddy, I broke that one too. Can I have a baseball team?

In the most blatant example, your family’s oldest son is currently occupying the ceremonial figurehead position of President of the United States. Now, this hypothetical scenario is highly unlikely, but there’s just the teensiest little chance that this son could possibly be charged with war crimes. If the unthinkable should happen, your whole family will need a nice safe refuge to flee to.

As always, you’re right on top of it. You’ve already gone and bought up a huge parcel of land in South America. And not just anywhere in South America. Nosireebob, you did your homework. Most of South America has fallen to the Communists, so you shopped very carefully.

In that giant cesspool of leftwing pestilence, there are still two shining beacons of freedom: Colombia and Paraguay. Colombia is a little too volatile. The drug trade is every important of course, but you don’t want your family members getting caught in the crossfire when these drug dealers are killing each other.

That leaves Paraguay. And what a foolproof choice that was. The same rightwing political party has been ruling with an iron grip for 61 years. It’s a paradise where millionaires can wheel and deal with each other and get even wealthier on the backs of millions of peasants and injuns. And those peons know their place; they stay out of trouble if they know what’s good for them. Everybody wins! Damn, this was a brilliant choice. Nothing could possibly —

WTF??? NOOO!!!!!!!

There was an election, and the riffraff have taken over. Who lost Paraguay??? Why did these people need an election anyway? They’ve been perfectly happy for 61 years, and now everything is ruined!

Will the Bush Crime Family still be able to seize Paraguay’s largest aquifer? Will they still get in on the ground floor of those lucrative mining conglomerates and drug cartels? Will they even still have a place to run and hide if the family fuckup gets put on trial???

(to be continued)

cross-posted at Bring It On!