FCC Cracks Down on Anonymous Campaign Donors

Congress, the Supreme Court and the Federal Election Commission (FEC) can’t or won’t do anything about the anonymous campaign donors who keep stealing elections.  But the FCC has finally come to the rescue.

Not all secret campaign donors will be exposed, but the FCC has put a major dent in the problem.  Local TV affiliates of the major networks will be required to publicize, online, some basic information about the political ads they broadcast.  With just a few clicks you’ll be able to find out who paid for each political ad and how much they paid.

This FCC ruling will cover about sixty percent of the political TV ads we’ll be getting swamped with.  It’s a start anyway.

For the other forty percent of TV stations that aren’t covered by this ruling, the information is available but you have to go to the physical location of that station and request a paper copy of the information you want.  Aw come on, you’ve got plenty of time to do that, right?

The FCC vote was 2 to 1 in favor of this ruling.  Needless to say, the one Republican commissioner was the dissenting vote.  It also goes without saying that the broadcast industry is having a mass pantytwist over this new rule.

You know the drill:  too much paperwork, too cumbersome, too much government intrusion, yada yada...

A watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, had been urging the FCC to make this ruling.  A spokesperson said:

“With so much secret political spending by shadowy outside groups flooding our airwaves, it is more important than ever that we have some information regarding the identities of those who are trying to influence our votes.  Like so many things in Washington these days, the decision to make these allegedly publicly available documents online seems like a no-brainer.”

It most definitely is a no-brainer.  Whatever anyone thinks about campaign finance laws, the public has a right to know who it is that’s purchasing the electoral process right out from under us.  And now, thanks to the FCC’s ruling, we can finally lift up that rock and get a good look at the slimy slippery vermin that have been squiggling underneath it.

Thank you FCC; or at least two out of the three of you.

Bush Administration: The Missing E-Mails

Computer technicians have found 22 million “lost” e-mails from the Bush White House. The discovery was announced by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) and the National Security Archive.

Melanie Sloan of CREW said: “We may never discover the full story of what happened here. It seems like they just didn't want the e-mails preserved.”

She also said that finding the 22 million “missing” e-mails “gives us confirmation that the Bush administration lied when they said no e-mails were missing.”

The mainstream “media” is pretending they don’t know what’s in these e-mails. But this exclusive report reveals a few excerpts that have been leaked:

“…Karl, how’d you do it? Gore could think and talk circles around me, and we kicked his ass. And of course our buds on the supreme court. Now Uncle Dickie has to take Tony Scalia on that duck hunting trip like he promised him…”

“…Are you sure we can pull off this stunt with the World Trade Center? Tell them a bunch of Arabs with box-cutters overpowered all the flight attendants and security guards and hijacked several planes at the same time? It’s too risky. What if it doesn’t work, and what if the public doesn’t believe us?”

“George, did you read up on the Reichstag Fire like I told you to? It’s all in there. Just don’t worry about it, we’ve got it under control. You just practice staring at My Pet Goat with that befuddled facial expression you do so well, and we‘ll handle the rest…”

“Oww!!! Uuggghhh!!! God damn it, this fuckin’ pacemaker isn’t worth shit. Go fuck yourself!”

“I’m gonna get rid of that fuckin’ Saddam Hussein, I don’t care what I have to do. For once I’ll beat my Daddy at something, and then Mommy will love me again and maybe she’ll take me back…”

“Do we have a legitimate reason to invade Iraq? No. Do we want to invade Iraq and topple Saddam Hussein? Yes. If we make up some ridiculous story about weapons of mass destruction, will the public be gullible enough to fall for it? Yes.”

“Karl, how’d you do it? John Kerry a decorated war hero and me a chickenhawk, I just knew I was gonna be a one termer just like my pencilneck daddy. I didn’t have a prayer and you saved me again.”

“Hey Electrodes, heh heh, mind if I call you that, that’s what they’re calling you on the internet. Hey, what was that joke you were telling, something about what did the spreadeagled Iraqi prisoner yell out when they zapped his peepee?”

“I don’t remember.”

That’s all the leaks for now. There’s certain to be a lot more of them.