For Sale: Dick Cheney. Only $500,000,000. Going Once, Going Twice…

I realize there are a lot more important things going on than this, but this is just too absurd. As you probably know already, the Nigerian government has charged Dick Cheney in a huge bribery case, and is trying to have him arrested via Interpol. If convicted, he faces up to three years in prison. In Nigeria.

And now, Halliburton is offering Nigeria a $500,000,000 settlement to keep Cheney out of jail. Is he worth it?

As the article points out, how do Halliburton employees and stockholders feel about “donating” five hundred million dollars just to keep their slippery ex-CEO out of prison?

If you think he’s worth it, buy Halliburton stock. Buy a whole lot of it. NOW.

Maybe some patriotic Americans will start a Dick Cheney Fund. Please donate. You wouldn’t want our sleazy ex-vice president to go to jail in one of those poor, backward countries, would you? Having terrible unspeakable things done to him by his icky third world inmates?

[ahem] Uh, you wouldn’t, now, would you???

WikiLeaks: The New Robin Hood?

Or maybe Steal This Book — Part II. Or the Great Equalizer.

Last week’s political leaks were controversial, to put it mildly. But now, WikiLeaks might start working its magic on the world’s biggest, most unaccountable bastions of power and secrecy: global corporations.

Got dropped by your HMO after twenty years of paying every premium on time? Got fucked over by your bank and you’ve been waiting on hold for an hour and a half? Call WikiLeaks.

(“Who You Gonna Call? Bank Busters!”)

For years there’ve been rumors of computer “Hacktivists” — ready and willing to hack into government and corporate computer systems. Back in the ‘90s, before China’s economic and technological surge, there were rumors that Taiwan had an army of hackers. If China tried to back up one of their numerous threats to “unify” China and Taiwan, these hacktivists were ready to bring China’s entire army to a standstill.

Whether those stories were true or just urban legends, WikiLeaks seems like the closest thing. Whether these leaks are right or wrong, they’re an equal and opposite reaction to decades of secrecy. The powerful VIPs whose decisions affect millions of people are completely sheltered from the unwashed masses whose lives they’ve impacted.

Tear down the wall (as Ronald Reagan once said). Bring on the Equalizer. Steal This Book.

Now, does anybody know: Is there an extradition treaty between the United States and Nigeria? Please say yes.

Dick Cheney serving time in a Nigerian prison [gets all starry-eyed]

Dear Santa…