Eric Cantor Goes Down on Oil Speculators

Everyone has suspected this for a long time, but now it’s official. Yesterday Eric Cantor spoke at a meeting of the CME Group, “the world’s largest owner and operator of exchanges and clearinghouses for financial derivatives.” (You can find more information about CME Group here.)

Cantor promised his audience — comprised mostly of oil speculators — that he would block those commie financial reforms that are part of last year’s Dodd-Frank law. And he took special aim at the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, which regulates derivatives and energy speculation. The highly-paid call girl said to his johns:

“We want to help you continue to lead for America, that means we gotta do our part when you see the implementation of Dodd-Frank coming at you like a barreling train. We want to help control that so that we can get some sensible, sensible follow up to that legislation…Whether it’s the EPA, the FDA, the FCC, the SEC, the CFTC, you name it, there is an acronym for a federal agency causing harm right now. We’re trying to pull that in.”

Next there was a giant sucking sound as Eric Cantor got down on his knees and started to xxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxx xx xxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, you can see why an oil speculator would vote for Eric Cantor. But how do you explain the millions of other Virginia voters who elected this cocksucker?

And now, a message to all patriotic Americans: Don’t say anything negative about any U.S. Supreme Court decisions; not even the teensiest little criticism. If you do, Clarence Thomas says you’re “lazy, illiterate.” The only people who criticize the Supreme Court are “cynics who are drunk on their own opinions.”

So there. Just be a good little cog and nobody gets hurt.