Far Right: “Honduras Did It. Why Can’t We??!?!?!?”

Wingtards, Rightwads: Your country needs you! Socialists are tightening their stranglehold on our great nation, and what are we doing about it? It’s fine that our Exulted Grand Caliph sits there and passively says “I hope he fails.”

But that’s not enough.

What can we do? Let’s look to our shining inspiration to the South.

It’s been sixteen years since the last rightwing military coup in Central America. And if you’re sitting in your double-wide frying something as you read this, you probably agree: that’s sixteen years too long!

What do you do when some limpwristed commie tries to redistribute wealth, remove all incentive to work and destroy our moral fiber? Send in the cavalry!

Of course our CEOs and robber barons — and the government they’ve purchased — don’t care about us. But if we have a limited government that lets them do exactly what they want when they want, some of their wealth will trickle down to us. Prosperity is just around the corner.

And we can always count on the Army to make things right. Liberal politicians come and go, but soldiers always embody those bedrock values that made America great. With a godless Communist desecrating our White House, our troops will be champing at the bit to come storming in and —

Oh. Nevermind.