James Bopp, Jr. — The Biggest Douchebag You Never Heard Of

Most Americans — of all political stripes — think the Supreme Court’s “Bribery is a Family Value” decision was a crock. James Bopp, Jr. had been planning and engineering for years to get this issue brought before the Supreme Court.

He isn’t exactly a household name — Yet. But that’ll change. His “work” has just begun.

There are still some types of bribery that the Supreme Court hasn’t legalized yet. James Bopp, Jr. will fix that. Ultimately, he wants to legalize not only bribery itself — he wants the people making the bribes to stay hidden under their rocks. No public disclosure. No right to know. Those lowly peons don’t need to know why Congress suddenly voted against a law that most voters were in favor of. Or vice versa.

No more “follow the money.” No more microscopic letters at the bottom of your TV screen saying “this sleazy pack of lies was paid for by _____________________.”

But don’t worry, that’s a long ways off. It’s all part of his ten-year plan.

For now, the next phase of his ten-year plan will be heard by the Supreme Court today. He thinks that when somebody has signed a petition to get an initiative on the ballot, that person’s name should remain private. Presently, your name and address are public information when you sign a petition. You’re taking part in the political process. I wasn’t aware of that myself, but I’ve never signed any petition that I was ashamed of or wouldn’t want other people to know about.

This whole can of worms got opened last year in the state of Washington. The state legislature passed a law granting unmarried couples (which includes those wicked homosexuals) almost as many rights and benefits as married couples. Again, that’s Almost. Washington doesn’t have gay marriage. This law was nicknamed “Everything But Marriage.”

Needless to say, this was too much for the local snake-handling inbreds, who immediately got a referendum on the ballot to overturn “Everything But Marriage” and bring Washington back home to Jesus.

The referendum lost. Everything But Marriage is still the law, and the sky hasn’t fallen or anything.

But the can of worms was now open. A gay rights group created a website called Who Signed. If the referendum succeeded in overturning Everything But Marriage, they were going to display the names and addresses of the petition signers on their website. Again, this is already public information under state law.

Anyway, the "I'm a bigoted sickfuck but I don't want my friends to know" Brigade is getting their day in court. The Supreme Court will hear the opening arguments sometime today. They’re expected to make their ruling this summer.