Senate Republicans: “Please Hold Until 2012”

Also known as “one man, no vote” as this article puts it.

The Senate has had this sleazy process for a long time, where one senator can place an indefinite hold on a bill or a nominee. They can even do it anonymously. But this tactic is now completely out of control.

As of today, Obama has ninety-one nominees who are still pending. Almost all of them are “pending” because they’ve been put on a hold by a cowardly Republican hiding under a rock.

Any conservatives reading this are thinking at this moment: “Democrats did it too!”

And this is where Reality comes barging in. At this same point in George W. Bush’s presidency, Democrats had placed a hold on 8 — eight! — of Bush’s nominees. Ninety-one to eight.

91 to 8. Sounds like the most lopsided basketball score ever.

And some of the “reasons” behind these holds are more funny than anything else. Jim Bunning is already famous for a previous hold, where he basically told unemployed workers to fuck off and die. In another hold, Bunning tied up the nomination of a U.S. Trade representative. Bunning was sulking because the Office of the U.S. Trade Representative didn’t go after Canada for banning flavored cigarettes.

As contemptible as Bunning is, at least he has the stones to do these holds out in the open — unlike some of his more slippery cowardly colleagues, who do their holds from underneath a rock and don’t even have the balls to slither out and show the public who they are.

The Senate has no specific rules regarding holds. Charles Grassley (R—Iowa) and Ron Wyden (D—Oregon) are trying to eliminate the anonymous “under a rock” syndrome. Grassley said: “If any of my colleagues have holds on either side of the aisle, they ought to have the guts to go public.”

Wyden said: “If you can't make a good public case for why you are doing something, you shouldn't be doing it.”

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Did you know Republicans are now in favor of consumer protection? For themselves, anyway. “Let the buyer beware!” only applies when someone else is the buyer.

Twenty Republican donors are demanding that Charlie Crist give back the money they donated to him. Crist pulled a fast one on them when he switched from Republican to Independent, and now “weee waaant our money baaack!”

And speaking of Republican flipflops — well, actually this last item isn’t a flipflop. It, it’s more of a, uh, a mass hallucination suffered by 300 million Americans. Including You, the reader. Come on, you remember, don’t you? For almost two years, Republican politicians and demagogues have been endlessly relentlessly shouting “Drill Baby Drill.”

Haven’t they???

Nope. Sorry — It’s all in your head.

Flood Victims: Say Thank You to Jim Bunning and Tom Coburn

If you’re a New England resident whose home just got devastated by the flood — and/or you live in one of the 5.5 million homes that’s located in a flood plain — you’ll probably have some choice words for Jim Bunning and Tom Coburn. And their mothers.

Unemployed workers aren’t the only people who got kicked in the balls by those two inbred pusbags.

Funding for the National Flood Insurance Program (NFIP) was part of the bill that got blocked by the Douchebag Duet.

According to the Property Casualty Insurers Association of America, homeowners who need to renew — or add coverage to — their flood insurance policies are Shit Out Of Luck.

A spokesman for the American Insurance Association said:

“It’s unfortunate that the NFIP has fallen victim to the political process. Ultimately the people who will suffer the most are property owners who need new coverage or who need to renew their flood insurance policies.”

Thanks again Jim Bunning and Tom Coburn.

If you’d like to tell those two assholes what you think of them, their e-mail addresses are Here and Here.

Tom Coburn: “Have You Kicked An Unemployed Person Today?”

No, this isn’t last month’s news that accidentally slipped into today’s news cycle. The Oligarchs are doing the same thing again today.

Last month Senator Jim Bunning (R—Cocksucker) put a hold on unemployment benefits for millions of American workers. And Senator Tom Coburn (R—Malpractice) thought that was such a neat idea, he’s doing it too.

Because of Tom Coburn’s little tantrum, people who have been out of work for six months will lose their benefits, temporarily if not permanently. And people who have just now been thrown out of work will have an indefinite delay in receiving jobless benefits.

The Senate will try to resolve this issue when they return from Spring Break in two and a half weeks.

Tom Coburn justified his bullying frenzy with:

“Because I can. And anyway, poor people smell like sour milk, huh huh huh huh huh. Hey, did I tell you, my mommy and daddy are cousins. And I’m a doctor. Spread ‘em, huh huh huh huh.”

Senator Dick Durbin summed up the difference between Democrats and Republicans:

“We really believe that the unemployment situation is an emergency economic situation. Republicans do not.”

Republicans to Unemployed Workers: “Fuck You”

In addition to the 290 bills that are already stalled by Senate Republicans, there’s a brand new one. The House has passed a bill to extend unemployment benefits which are scheduled to expire this weekend.

The Senate kept stalling, dithering, preening, and — oops, oh look, it’s the weekend already! Thank God It’s Friday! Fuck those parasites. Tell ‘em to go out and get a job!

The unemployment benefits are part of a larger bill that also includes highway funding and loans for small businesses. Democrats kept trying, yesterday and this morning, to pass the bill, but the Party of Fuck No kept saying Fuck No.

The main culprit was Senator Jim Bunning (R—Cocksucker). Bunning blocked every attempt to pass the bill, pretending to be concerned about the budget deficit. Where was he when we were throwing trillions of dollars at the Iraqi invasion and the War on Drugs?

You remember the old joke about the kid who kills both of his parents and then asks the court for mercy because he’s an orphan. Here’s Marie Antoinette “Jim” Bunning’s version: After hours and hours of throwing up every possible roadblock to this bill, he complained that all of this delaying and dithering had made him late to a basketball game.

Wouldn’t it be a shame if a stray basketball came flying into the stands and smashed into Jim Bunning’s nose.

Even though this bill has already been passed by the House, a few House Republicans managed to express their contempt for people who work for a living. Rep. Dean Heller (R—Shitbucket) said that too many unemployment benefits might be creating a nation of hobos.

Hopefully the voters of Nevada will turn Dean Heller into a hobo this November.