Pakistan Has Weapons of Mass Destruction!

Those swarthy bastards have something to hide, I just know it. I thought Pakistan was our friend. Apparently not. Maybe Israel is our only friend. Well that's just FINE! It’s us two against the world. We can take ‘em!

Those backstabbing Pakistanis won't let us into their country to look for Osama bin Laden?!? The neverending search for Osama is the lynchpin of our Plan for World Domination Global War on Terror. We don’t want to find him, of course (is he even still alive?). We just need to keep pointing to him, keep the population riled up, and keep pretending we’re still looking for him.

This famous lesson from Hermann Goering has been our inspiration for the past seven years:

“Naturally the common people don't want war: Neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, IT IS THE LEADERS of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is TELL THEM THEY ARE BEING ATTACKED, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. IT WORKS THE SAME IN ANY COUNTRY.”

And Boy Howdy does it work! Yeehaw! Whenever anybody questions why we’re occupying so many countries and bankrupting our own government, we have our Talking Points at the ready. “9/11.” “Soft on Terrorism!” “Surrender Monkey!” “Why do you hate your own country?”

Works every time. Those liberals are scared shitless to say anything. They know we’ll bombard them with names and innuendos, and they can't seem to think of any comebacks. So they just cower silently. Teeheeheeheehee.

But the cornerstone of this plan is: we need a villain. Eastasia! Oceana! Osama bin Laden! We’re gonna find you Goddamnit! Wanted Dead or Alive! You can run but you can't hide!

And now Pakistan is wrecking the Game Plan by saying we can't send troops into their country to search for, uh, the Cisco Ki— I mean, the Reichstag, uhh, oh come on…Osama bin Laden, that’s it. Pervez Musharraf actually said “I challenge anybody coming into our mountains. They would regret that day.”

What?!?!?!?! After everything we've done for those towelheads, and this is how they pay us back??? That does it. They're in our crosshairs now! Don’t worry, it'll be a cakewalk.

They're All Ganging Up on the Worst President Ever

The word is spreading. George W. Bush is the worst fuckup in American history. Period. Jimmy Carter got lots of publicity the other day for calling the Bush Administration “the worst in history.” He said “I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history. The overt reversal of America’s basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including those of George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me.”

He also condemned Bush’s faith-based initiatives. “The policy from the White House has been to allocate funds to religious institutions, even those that channel those funds exclusively to their own particular group of believers in a particular religion. As a traditional Baptist, I’ve always believed in separation of church and state and honored that premise when I was president, and so have all other presidents, I might say, except this one.”

Regarding Iraqmire, Carter said “We now have endorsed the concept of pre-emptive war where we go to war with another nation militarily, even though our own security is not directly threatened, if we want to change the regime there or if we fear that some time in the future our security might be endangered. But that’s been a radical departure from all previous administration policies.”

Some of our allies aren't quite as kind and gentle as Carter was. On the 4-year anniversary of Mission Accomplished Day, the Edmonton Sun slammed Bush’s ridiculous “Mission Accomplished” flightsuit stunt:

“Four years later, more than 3,000 U.S. soldiers are dead, and some 24,000 wounded. Bush administration claims that Iraq harboured weapons of mass destruction have been revealed as outright lies, swallowed unquestioningly by the media. The war costs U.S. taxpayers $200 million a day and $1 trillion so far. And terrorism, in Iraq and around the world, is fueled like never before by propaganda and the impression Americans are occupiers not liberators, bullies not saviours.”

In Argentina a newspaper editorial said:

“Bush is the only U.S. commander-in-chief to have initiated one war, only to have lost three. He never managed to catch bin Laden nor destroy al-Qaeda; he failed to defeat terrorism; he wasted the political capital awarded him by September 11th; and public opinion has come to detest him. The nation, once indulgent of his lies — lethal lies for over 3,000 of its own sons and daughters — no longer believes him. No U.S. President has ever harmed his country as much.”

And that’s not all. In Pakistan, the PakTribune said:

“Thanks to the murderous fools in the current US administration, civil life in Iraq, now at the 'point of no return,' is teetering at the edge of total anarchy. As an accompanying fallout, along with an estimated million dead Iraqis, a morally, financially and diplomatically bankrupt America, the inept charlatans have also successfully managed to thoroughly radicalize the whole region. From Sudan to Pakistan and beyond, the ranks of America haters now stand swollen like never before. The recruiters for suicide brigades now drool non-stop with glee at the long cues of raging applicants outside their murky caves.”

Ouch! And these are our allies (a category which has been steadily shrinking). God knows what the people who hate us must be thinking.

Jimmy Carter, when he was condemning Bush, also slammed Tony Blair for being one of Bush’s skankiest bitches. He said “And I think the almost undeviating support by Great Britain for the ill-advised policies of President Bush in Iraq have been a major tragedy for the world.”

Blair might have a chance to redeem his skanky reputation. There's a chance he’ll replace Wolfowitz at the World Bank. This could be a new beginning for him.

Yo, Tony: If George W. Bush approaches you again, tighten your sphincter muscles.

Good News From Pakistan

The tribal region of Northern Pakistan has long been a sanctuary for Islamic terrorists. This area has been suspected of harboring Osama bin Laden. But lately the local tribesmen have been turning against foreign terrorists operating in their country.

About fifty Islamic militants — mostly from Uzbekistan and Chechnya — were killed earlier today in clashes with native Pakistanis. A Pakistani official said all together about 177 foreign militants have been killed by locals since last week.

The Pakistani government has been unsuccessful in getting rid of al Qaeda and other terrorist groups, especially in the tribal regions. But lately the government has been signing treaties with some of the tribes, hoping to drive a wedge between the tribesmen and foreign terrorists. This approach seems to be working.

The latest battle started when a terrorist group tried to forcibly recruit students from a local tribal school.

Now THIS is the way to fight the Global War On Terror. Persuasion. Capturing the hearts and minds of millions of people, village by village, tribe by tribe. It beats the shit out of alienating the rest of the world by bombing, invading and occupying.

Afghanistan and the tribal regions of Pakistan have never been conquered by an outside army. The Soviet Union in the 1980s and England in the early 1900s are the most recent would-be conquerors to get their asses kicked. Now it’s al Qaeda’s turn.

America’s Gilded Palace in Iraq

How many of you think American forces will ever, ever be pulling out of Iraq? Gotcha! We’re staying and we’re digging in. We’re gonna be that unwanted relative who moved in and never left. And the Iraqis will LIKE it!

We’re building a sprawling embassy in Baghdad. It’ll be the largest American embassy in the world, covering an area the size of Vatican City. Our new imperial palace will be on 104 acres, with 21 buildings and a staff of 5,000. Congress has already appropriated $1 billion toward building this embassy. But don’t worry, we’ll be leaving soon.

Our new fortress/embassy will be occupying the grounds of Saddam Hussein’s former palace. How’s that for symbolism? “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.”

A construction foreman with 27 years of experience, John Owen, quit his job on this project after seven months. Describing the contractor, First Kuwaiti Trading & Contracting, he said “I’ve never seen a project more fucked up. Every U.S. labor law was broken.”

John Owen informed the U.S. State Department — who had awarded this contract to First Kuwaiti — of what he had witnessed: security breaches, safety violations and workers being beaten by their managers. And this was right in the middle of the American-controlled Green Zone. The labor camps where thousands of these migrant workers lived had practically no sanitation or medical care.

First Kuwaiti imports most of its workers from the Philippines, India, Nepal and Pakistan — not from Iraq. Because of so many safety and security concerns, some of these governments have now banned their citizens from working in Iraq. These countries’ passports are often stamped with “Not Valid For Iraq.” Because of this, First Kuwaiti has had to “sneak” these workers from Kuwait into Iraq.

Here's how it works: the workers are told by First Kuwaiti that they're going to Dubai. They're herded through airport security, with instructions to tell Customs that they're going to Dubai. Then at the last minute, the workers are instead herded into a different, unmarked plane that flies them to Baghdad instead of Dubai.

A medical technician was fired by First Kuwaiti after he reported several deaths that he thought were from medical malpractice. His observations included: “There hadn’t been any follow up on medical care. People were walking around intoxicated on pain relievers with unwrapped wounds and there were a lot of infections.” He also said “I told First Kuwaiti that you don’t give painkillers to people who are running machinery and working on heavy construction and they said ‘that's how we do it.’”

Isn't this great? No wonder those grateful liberated Iraqis showered our troops with flowers and ice cream. As the article says, this sick twisted fiasco is “the most lasting monument to the U.S. liberation and occupation of Iraq.”