Identity Theft: A Solution! (well, sort of…)

During the past year, one American out of ten received a letter informing them that a company had lost some of their financial data. In other words “you could become a victim of Identity Theft.”

Good news! Congress is planning to fix this problem.

Now the bad news. According to Congress, Identity Theft isn’t the problem. There are about twenty states (including California) that require banks to inform customers when their financial data has been lost.

And that’s the “problem” Congress is planning to fix. If you asked most Americans whether they’re more worried about (A) Identity Theft or (B) our hardworking upstanding banks being smothered by socialist regulations, they’d probably choose (A).

But the Oligarchs who would choose (B) are the ones with the money and political clout, and they’ve instructed their Harem, er, I mean Congress, to bend over and do what they’re told.

Congress is considering the Data Accountability and Trust Act. Despite the friendly title, this law would wipe out state laws that require consumers to be informed (so they can take pre-emptive action) when their financial data has been compromised. That’s right, this law will do nothing to prevent Identity Theft. It just means banks are no longer required to warn you if your financial data has been stolen.

After all, it’s a royal pain in the butt to have to inform those whiny consumers when their lives might be turned upside down by your own mistakes. Not only that, but these state requirements have been giving consumers a glimpse into just how fragile and tenuous their financial information is. It’s more fun to cut corners and make mistakes when nobody’s looking.

Recent losses of personal financial data — and state laws requiring banks to inform consumers — have shown the public just how many “third party,” uh “subcontractor”-types are handling their credit card information and Social Security numbers. The financial industry is furious. Not about Identity Theft — about having their carelessness and incompetence brought into the limelight.

Now, because of these intrusive state laws, there are millions of pesky consumers who want the right to check their own financial records. And they want to know who knows what about them.

So, let’s see where Congress’ priorities lie: millions of American consumers fighting for their financial survival, or the whims of a few banking executives. Let‘s have a look…hmmm, this seems to be a bad time…What the F@#$%&*!!…the sounds of whips cracking…dim light, but there’re some kinky leather garments…several banking johns are in there, standing over hundreds of prostitutes Congressional Representatives who are lying there gyrating and, uhh…oh God, don’t look…