If We Attack Iran, They Might Retaliate

And now, straight from the cover of DUUUHHH!!!! Magazine — U.S. intelligence experts think Iran would retaliate if we attacked their nuclear sites. Oh my God, what a bunch of savages! They might attack us just because we attacked them? No!!!

If nothing else, our intelligence analysis has made a tiny bit of progress since the last war. So far they haven’t predicted that Iran would be a cakewalk, or that hordes of Iranians would greet American soldiers as liberators and shower them with ice cream and flowers.

But what kind of “reasoning” is this anyway? If we attack them they might counterattack — Duuuhhhh!!!! Who wouldn’t? The fear is that Hezbollah would launch worldwide terrorist attacks if we attack Iran’s nuclear facilities. So don’t attack them. Helllooo!!!!

See that big guy over there? If I walked up to him and punched him in the face, he’d probably beat the shit out of me. That fuckin’ asshole!! I might need to stage a pre-emptive strike — hire some bodyguards to take him out. I just don’t want him around. I’d feel safer if he wasn’t here.

Our pre-emptive attack against Iraq sure has accomplished a lot. We’ve killed over 2,300 American soldiers and tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, pushed ourselves trillions of dollars into debt and alienated most of the world. What do our “leaders” think would be any different about a pre-emptive strike against Iran?