Who Hijacked Our Country

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Happiness is a Warm Gun

James Michener had a quote from The Drifters (1971): “If the last family of Brontosaurus was found wandering the Earth, some son of a bitch from Western Oklahoma would claim the right to shoot the male.”

And that brings us to the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming. It was home to the world’s largest bison — breaking an 82-year-old record. And how do we know how large this bison was? Because some retarded redneck shot it.

The conquering hero was E.D. “Dude Where's My Dick” Riekens, Jr. of Cheyenne, WY. He told reporters: “Uugghh! This was the best sex I’ve ever had. My gun was sooo hot! When I saw this guy, it was like I was looking at a dinosaur or a mammoth. This guy was just so different and massive and huge. There was no question about whether I would hold off. It just had to be done…I was getting closer and closer waiting for an opportunity. Finally, he gave me the perfect chance, and I didn’t hesitate for a second. He was dead before I let go of the trigger, which is a good thing.”

This particular bison had been well-known for years among the local population. They nicknamed him “Old Lonesome.” Thank God somebody finally killed him.

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25 Comments:

Blogger Ed said...

Poor, poor Tom, you overpassionate pussy. You would rather have this Bison die of starvation because assholes like you think it is ok to keep developing and building houses encroaching onto the habitat of such animals, thus requiring a true conservationist sportsman like myself to help reduce the number of animals to the prescribed quota for the limited amount of wildland left to them. Or, you would have rather been witness to the overly successful ressurgence of a Grizzly or wolfpack gnawing at the throat and soft underbelly of this magificent animal? Instead, it will now be immortalized-recorded in the books and remembered forever.

Educate yourself on the real tragedy before you spout off you're softhearted drivel. Money and activism, such as that provided yearly, by true conservationist hunters like myself, make the measure-your ignorant blather doesn't do a thing for the animals.

The fact that my Buffalo, and my story has managed to steal even the slightest of moments away from the lives of you and people of the same limited mind, gives me the greatest pleasure. You can't even imagine how much I love this.

Sincerely,

Edward D. Riekens, Jr.
Cheyenne, Wyomingelkwit

September 29, 2007 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger Ed said...

Poor, poor Tom Noballs, you overpassionate pussy. You would rather have this Bison die of starvation because assholes like you think it is ok to keep developing and building houses encroaching onto the habitat of such animals, thus requiring a true conservationist sportsman like myself to help reduce the number of animals to the prescribed quota for the limited amount of wildland left to them. Or, you would have rather been witness to the overly successful ressurgence of a Grizzly or wolfpack gnawing at the throat and soft underbelly of this magificent animal? Instead, it will now be immortalized-recorded in the books and remembered forever.

Educate yourself on the real tragedy before you spout off you're softhearted drivel. Money and activism, such as that provided yearly, by true conservationist hunters like myself, make the measure-your ignorant blather doesn't do a thing for the animals.

The fact that my Buffalo, and my story has managed to steal even the slightest of moments away from the lives of you and people of the same limited mind, gives me the greatest pleasure. You can't even imagine how much I love this.

Sincerely,

Edward D. Riekens, Jr.
Cheyenne, Wyoming

September 29, 2007 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

I watched a special on the History channel the other night and it was about the Buffalo- and what happened to them..and it was really odd that they were obsssed with killing them ALL...and they had no explanation for it....and I sat and thought, well, no wonder the Indians were so miserable and frustated....

sigh..

and SOME doubt that we are indeed related to monkeys.....there is indeed plenty of proof???

September 29, 2007 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

"Ed": Riiight, you're the dickless hunter I was writing about. That's what big badass hunters do; they set up a fake Blogger ID and leave anonymous comments at people's blogs.

Whoever you are, you're even more pitiful than the braindead scumwipe I was writing about. Pick up your rifle and jack off some more. Maybe it'll misfire. Buh bye.

Enigma4ever: The weird thing is, I'm not even against guns or hunting. (I don't own a gun and I don't hunt.) But there's a certain irony that made me do this post. Where I live (northwestern Washington), the Makah tribe recently did an unauthorized whale hunt. The tribe is authorized to do a very occasional whale hunt, but this particular hunt was carried out by some rogue tribe members who were not authorized by their tribal leaders. This region is not liberal (a red county in a blue state) but the public outcry against the whale killing was incredible. And yet the Makah (most tribes probably) has a very deep spiritual relationship with the animals they hunt. The public fury against the Makah, and the tone of this other story -- hey, Jim Bob shot his-self a big buffalo, yeehaw! -- the irony just drove me into a fury. Hence the post.

Hey Jim Bob, er, I mean Ed, in case I didn't say it already, please jack off with your rifle again. Hopefully while it's pointing at your face. (And I meant that in the nicest possible way.)

September 30, 2007 at 1:51 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

Compassionate conservatism: hey, it had to be done.

Wonder if Cheney's acolyte was a "Sportsman for Bush." You know, the kind that love to shoot things and go fishing on the lands that are polluted by the corporates that Republicans love more than people.

And I wonder what people like him think about the wolf shoots in Alaska. You know, the massive overpopulation of wolves that threaten to eat Nome and Juneau alive.

September 30, 2007 at 5:46 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Randal: Ah yes, those wolf hunts in Alaska where they shoot them from a helicopter. That's a sport?? Or there's the kind of "hunt" where the animals are kept in a pen; they're practically tame. Then they're released from the pen and a "hunter" is waiting right there to blast them. Pretty brave, huh?

September 30, 2007 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger PoliShifter said...

Yeah, poor Tom.

Didn't you know that hunter would have starved to death if he didn't shoot that Bison. I'm sure he used all the parts of it from the bladder for a future canteen, the brains to tan the leather,and made chitlins out of the intestine.

How do you expect a man to feed his family if he can't be free to go out annd shoot bison?

All joking aside, what cocksucking "conservatives" don't get is that if we don't leave some land undeveloped and some animals wild, pretty soon there'll be nothing lef to fucking hunt.

Then what are dickless pussies like ed going to do to make themsevles feel manly? Take their assault weapons to the steps of city hall to hunt pigeons?

September 30, 2007 at 12:11 PM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

I think shooting unarmed rednecks from a helicopter would be a fun "sport." That way, they can REALLY feel the pulse of the wild in their veins as they run naked away from the maniacs in the helicopter trying to kill them and mount their heads on the family-room wall.

"Sport," my ass.

September 30, 2007 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

Sorry, I forgot to add: I have no problem with hunters...those who kill for MEAT and CLOTHING. I rent part of my property to a group of hunters every fall, and they keep the deer population managed, *always* bury the guts when they clean their kill, *always* make sure it's as quick and painless a death as possible for the animal (because meat with adrenaline pumped through it tastes terrible), and use all the meat and skin possible to feed/clothe themselves and their families. Those are the hunters I know and admire. But folks who'll go and kill an old animal just because? Oh, puh-leeze. I bet the meat from an 82-year-old buffalo is RANK. Better to let the poor old thing live out his days in the forest, as Mother Nature intended. And if a bear or wolf gets him, so be it. Nature's funny that way.

September 30, 2007 at 12:27 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

PoliShifter: Oh yes, undoubtedly Jim Bob, I mean "Ed," used every bodypart of that bison, just like Native Americans used to do. And how he'll finally be able to feed his family after a summer of starvation.

Like you said, after the last wild animal has been shot, these hunters won't have anything left to kill. But they won't grasp that until it's too late.

Miss Kitty: Shooting unarmed rednecks from a helicopter -- LOL.

I don't own a gun myself, or hunt, but since millions of people do, I'm not condemning all hunters. Like I was saying in an earlier comment, a local tribe, the Makah, were condemned all over Washington because five of their members went on an unauthorized whale hunt. For them, whale hunting is a centuries-old tradition. They use every part of the whale, and every animal is tied in closely with their culture and mythology. Also, the whale hunt (in the traditional manner) was very risky for the hunters. It really was almost a sacred ritual between man and beast.

At the same time that the Makah were being condemned and hated in the local media, this other story was pretty much "yeehaw, Joe Bob shot himself a bison." The contrast just pissed me off.

September 30, 2007 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger spaceneedl said...

"...you would have rather been witness to the overly successful ressurgence of a Grizzly or wolfpack gnawing at the throat and soft underbelly of this magificent animal?"

such a stupid question. of course it would be better to have a grizzly or a wolf pack take down and feed off this bison. that's what predators do, and they do it to survive.

trophy hunters kill because it's fun.

September 30, 2007 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger LET'S TALK said...

tom, I know you all want like what I have to say and my being from Georgia and all.

I feel that if any man these days want to go hunt any animal, then let him go there and hunt without a rifle or knife and meet that animal one on one. I deplore hunting, just think to kill for sport.

I understand if you are protecting yourself or property or killing for food. But to go out and hunt for sport is sick to me. I'm sorry and I know a lot of you want like this.

September 30, 2007 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Spaceneedl: Excellent answer. It's too bad he needed it spelled out for him, but that's often the case with people like him.

Let's Talk: I agree with you. I have nothing against guns or hunting, if it's for food or to ward off an attack. You're right, if hunting is a "sport" it should be one on one with no weapons. I think a lot of people feel that way. I remember an episode of Law & Order SVU where this guy was bragging about a deer he shot and he was describing the gun he used. And somebody asked him "what kind of gun did the deer have?"

September 30, 2007 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

The way you described the size and age I assumed it was Cheney since he is a bloated old warhorse from Wyoming.

September 30, 2007 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Larry: LOL. Too bad it wasn't Cheney; talk about poetic justice.

September 30, 2007 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger Ronald 'More-More' Moshki said...

Of course Cheney is not "a warhorse." He is a war-yellow.

Hunters and trappers are generally cowards who don't serve their country militarily. They taught the ultimate cowards, the gangster-rapper types, how to quickly terminate anything in the way.

September 30, 2007 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ronald: "War-yellow" instead of "warhorse" -- good description of Cheney.

September 30, 2007 at 10:38 PM  
Anonymous Gee said...

You people are truly sad individuals. To characterize hunters and trappers as "cowards who generally don't serve their country militarily" makes you the biggets idiot of all. I know Ed personally, and he did serve his country,as did I. And, he is a disabled vet. He has put you all to shame with his statements addressed to your slanderous activity, pretty much proving that he is far from a "redneck". So, if he is just some DUMB, RETARDED, REDNECK, what does that make you, the people who can't come back with anything other than... he should go one on one with the bison, see how it turns out then? Hunters use guns for the same reason your complaining asses use electricity or gas, instead of wood, to heat your house... Technology. Yes, he could probably go out and try to beat an animal to death, or cut its throat, then you whiners would be complaining that it didn't die fast enough. Normal people can't win an argument with CLOSED minded folks such as yourselves. Maybe he should use a bow when he hunts, that's a good idea, and they did it like that long, long ago...Oh, that's right....HE DOES!! Hunting is a way of life here in Wyoming, for many reasons, which Ed has explained. Maybe one day, instead of sitting at a computer, half naked, and overweight, you may get off of your ass, leave the cities, and get outdoors. Just a thought.

October 1, 2007 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Gee: OK, thank you for your rant.

October 1, 2007 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

OK, "Gee," one rant was enough. Time to move on now.

Oh, and as long as we're throwing stereotypes around: I'm a Vietnam veteran, I'm in excellent shape from working out every day, and I'm generally fully clothed when I'm at the computer (it gets pretty cold up here).

October 1, 2007 at 11:28 AM  
Blogger Ronald 'More-More' Moshki said...

Peacetime Army vet here, Third Infantry Division.

Tom fell in the trap; Limbaugh and the clones call their supposed enemies every name they can think of.

It's called tasting one's own medicine when there is a reversal.
Not that the reverse-racist libs are any better.

October 1, 2007 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Ronald 'More-More' Moshki said...

No, gee fell in the trap.

Sorry, Tom.

October 17, 2007 at 1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am actually Eds daughter. I dont necesarily like hunting but I know my dad eats every bit of that meat. You should really look into a sport before you write a comment about rednecks and us doing it for fun. We are actually upper class and think Miss Kitty should think about that before she starts calling names!

December 7, 2009 at 9:50 AM  
Anonymous James C. Burnham said...

Buffalo Heart

There is a birth of heart through weathered stone
Beneath the raptor’s nest alone
It belly-crawls it’s way back home
Over sand where we once roamed

I caught that heart in my glowing eyes
On it’s way to your demise
You see it too, now from the skies
Telling it’s self “I’m special” lies

Your brown-peace eyes on raven loan
Your meat and horn and brain and bone
Pray “Leave my skull on the Yellowstone
To feed the seeds that we have sown”

Well, it must have heard our silent cries
For what that silver tip had shown
For you maintain your earthen ties
And with the seeds, that heart has grown.

James C. Burnham

June 9, 2013 at 6:46 PM  
Anonymous James C. Burnham said...

When you get older
You’ll discover a flaw
You’re sorely lacking
In tooth and claw

You’ll also find
You’re pink and bare
You’re sorely lacking
In fur and hair

But wobbling atop
Your tiny frame
You’ll also find
A great big brain

If properly used
It will suffice
To make some cloths
And a great big knife

Then you can trek
‘Cross Colter’s Hell
And return to us
With stories to tell

You’ll also return
With wisdom learned
From those who live there
On Her terms

June 9, 2013 at 6:48 PM  

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