Who Hijacked Our Country

Monday, September 17, 2007

Blackwater Evicted From Iraq

This is an urgent request for assistance from Blackwater:

Hi. We are a large group of stupid quick-tempered poorly-trained security guards. And we need a home. Will you take us in? Pleeease??? Check out some some of the pictures from our warm and fuzzy photo album: here, here and here.

If you let us move in with you, we’ll take care of all of your security needs. If anybody gives you a bad time — protestors or any other riffraff — we’ll fuck ‘em up! We shoot first and ask questions later.

Our boss is a born-again Christian who worships fetuses. But once you're born we get to shoot you. You got a problem with that?!?!?!

We just got evicted from our home in Iraq. Iraq!?!?!?!?!! Who’da thunk some war-torn disease-infested Third World country would be worried about some riffraff’s “civil rights” or whatever? Some robe-wearing falafel-guzzling sheik thinks he's too good for us??? Goddamnit we oughtta strap that son of a bitch down and stick a cattle prod up his —

[take a deep breath…count to ten…eeeasy...]

Uh, where was I? Ah, right, we’re looking for a home; somebody who’ll take us in. Will you be our friend? Come on, there can't be too many countries that have “standards” or whatever it was that got us kicked out of Iraq.

Oh well, if nobody else will have us, we’ll always have a home in the good ol’ USA. That’s the place where we get to do anything we want, whenever and wherever we want, and we’re never held accountable to anyone. Yes!!!!

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20 Comments:

Blogger Praguetwin said...

The good news is one of my friends is working for a security company operating in Iraq. Life just got a little easier for him.

September 17, 2007 at 11:39 AM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

Ooooh. This situsation promises to be ugly.

Love your write-up of Blackwater as orphans in need of homes. Their founder/leader/head Martian/grand poobah scares the bejesus out of me. Seems like I heard about a book on this pseudoneocon group recently; it came out a few months ago.

Putting the "con" back in "conservative..."

September 17, 2007 at 12:01 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Prague Twin: That sounds scary (probably pays well though). Hope he stays safe over there.

Miss Kitty: Yeah, that group (and especially their founder) is pretty far over the top. I first heard of them 2 years ago when they were doing "security" work in New Orleans after Katrina. Mostly they were threatening (or worse) any riffraff that got too close to the wealthy neighborhoods.

September 17, 2007 at 2:40 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Chimpy's brownshirts sure as hell blew a big contract. Not to worry though; when the riots hit the streets here, they'll have work again-at least till they're torn limb from limb.

September 17, 2007 at 3:24 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Jolly Roger: Yup, they blew this contract but there'll be plenty of others. Any time some thug needs a gang of brownshirts and hitmen, Blackwater is ready.

September 17, 2007 at 7:15 PM  
Blogger LET'S TALK said...

I know that I've been away for about a week, but I just can't believe Bush and Co. will allow Iraq to dismiss Blackwater USA from that country. We might find people from the Interior Ministry assassinated before Blackwater leaves Iraq.

September 17, 2007 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Mike V. said...

I swear I didn't read your blog this morning.
But great minds think alike.

September 17, 2007 at 10:16 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Let's Talk: I wouldn't doubt it. If we find a few dead Iraqi officials who've been garroted and they have rocks jammed into their mouths, we'll know they crossed the wrong people.

Mike: Yup, great minds do think alike. I haven't checked out your blog in a couple of days, but I'm headed there now.

September 17, 2007 at 10:51 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

They're probly heading to Iran...
Another brilliant post, Tom!

September 18, 2007 at 8:49 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Candace: Thanks. Yup, next stop -- Iran.

September 18, 2007 at 10:38 AM  
Blogger PoliShifter said...

I think they are still planning to move in to San Diego

Iraqis may have tired of BlackWater but I bet the Republican Fascists in this country will give them a hero's welcome home.

They need some thugs to guard the voting booths.

September 18, 2007 at 12:27 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

PoliShifter: Sad but true. Every time Blackwater tramples on people's civil rights, the neocons like them better and better.

September 18, 2007 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

Never fear, once Bush installs Martial Law in the U.S, these jackboot thugs will have plenty of work.

September 18, 2007 at 7:52 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Larry: Yup, they'll have plenty of work. I think they've already been pretty busy, guarding wealthy neighborhoods in New Orleans after Katrina, and other less-publicized gigs since then.

September 18, 2007 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

Looks like Blackwater mercs will lay low for a while. Seems the Iraqis don't have the right to kick them out.

Now that's democracy - American Boot style.

September 19, 2007 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ron: Nah, the Iraqis don't have the right to kick them out. Who do those Arabs think they are anyway, trying to call the shots in their own country. We'll fix them.

September 19, 2007 at 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry I can't stop singing that Dooby Brothers song.


Erik

September 19, 2007 at 10:51 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: Yup, it's too bad "Black Water" has such a different meaning these days.

September 19, 2007 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Blackwater plainclothesmen coming our way? I think Polishifter is correct in thinking they will provide a valuable resource for the Republicans come election time. In a state of martial law, they could also prove quite valuable.

But then as JollyRoger says, "at least till they're torn limb from limb." I can't really believe Americans would put up with hired thugs, hired to keep us from voicing opposition to the administration or to keep us from voting against Republicans. Surely they wouldn't be used for anything like that! Heh...

September 21, 2007 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: I agree, if Blackwater tries to throw their weight around too much in the U.S., they'll find out who they're fuckin' with. Invading armies are never "greeted as liberators," whether it's a foreign army or a gang of rogue security guards.

September 21, 2007 at 3:33 PM  

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