President Bush’s Iraq Progress Report on September 11th, 2007: A Sneak Preview
The President will be standing in front of a large screen showing a continuous replay of the World Trade Center
“My fellow Americans, the Surge is working. We aren't seeing any positive results yet, but I have received a confidential report which is very encouraging. If we continue to send more and more troops into Iraq, freedom will prevail. It's exactly like Sigmund Freud always said: If you try something and it doesn't work, just keep doing the same thing over and over and over, and eventually you'll get the result you want. With the continuous never-ending sacrifices of your sons and daughters, I will get that result.
“Six years ago on this date, America was attacked. Saddam bin Hussein Laden unleashed his forces of evil on our great nation, and we must continue to wreak vengeance on those Iraqi hijackers who murdered 3,000 Americans that day. Some Americans pussies have begun to question our War on Terror. Traitors. Some have even questioned my motives Guantanamo for liberating Iraq from al Qaeda and bringing freedom to the Middle East. I will not question the patriotism I need a drink of these gutless cowards, but their treasonous actions are endangering our troops. And when the liberal media continues to hammer away with their endless whining, reporting only the bad news from Iraq, they are encouraging the terrorists. In the name of Freedom, I will not tolerate this.”
[NOTE: At this point, a large banner — out of view of the TV cameras — will be unfurled. It will instruct the invitation-only audience to erupt into two minutes of spontaneous cheering and clapping.]
“Thank you. Thank you. Now let me remind you: before we liberated Iraq, those poor people were terrorized by a bloodthirsty dictator who gassed his own people. He had Weapons of Mass Destruction which threatened each and every one of us. And he was the mastermind behind the worst massacre in human history, which, as I've already mentioned, happened six years ago today.
“In the four and a half years since we liberated the Iraqi people, there has not been a single terrorist attack on American soil. And I will do everything in my power — which incidentally has expanded way beyond that of any previous president, heh heh — to keep it that way.
[The giant screen behind the president will now change images. The collapsing World Trade Center will be replaced by a video of Cindy Sheehan, Osama bin Laden and Hillary Clinton setting fire to the American Flag.]
“Fellow Americans, we cannot allow the Terrorists to win. I must have complete total unchecked power to do as I see fit, in order to continue with our success in the Middle East. Thank you.”