Who Hijacked Our Country

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Republican Insider Reveals Winning Strategy

A high-ranking Republican strategist — who insisted on remaining anonymous — has given an exclusive interview explaining why they’re so successful in derailing Obama’s agenda, even though the Republicans got trounced in the last election:

For one thing, we fight dirty. Principles are for pussies. The Democrats are like somebody who’s a martial arts expert. One of those highly ritualized martial arts, you know the kind I mean, spectacular to watch in a tournament but useless in a real fight. So there’s the Democrat standing there making all these fancy stylistic arm movements, making weird noises, making his hands look like an eagle claw or whatever, waiting for some sort of signal that the fight’s about to begin. And while he’s waiting, the Republican kicks him in the balls, stomps on his instep, punches him in the Adams Apple and jams a thumbnail in his eye. Works every time. Everyone keeps saying the Democrats should retaliate, fight fire with fire, fight dirty. But they never will, because they’re suckers.

And we keep improving and fine-tuning our use of the Big Lie technique. We never get tired of watching Americans go into a mass panic attack every time we yell out “Death Panel” or “Rationed Care.” It’s just too fuckin’ hilarious — yell out this phrase and then watch the terrified stampede of millions of gullible people. But this isn’t for entertainment; don’t get me wrong. There’s a purpose. These Big Lies put the Democrats on the defensive. They’re so busy denying our wacky, totally groundless accusations, they don’t have time to do anything else. Some Democrat has a smooth, well-thought-out speech all prepared, and before he can even read it, he’s frantically yelling and flailing about “No, no, I swear, there are no death panels that will execute your parents when they get sick.” “No, people in Canada are not dying in the emergency room because they’ve been waiting there for three weeks and there’s still no doctor available.” “I categorically deny that I am a socialist who wants to destroy America.” It shouldn’t be funny, but God, these Democrats are so easy, such pushovers. Just yell out the zaniest, most absurd accusations you can think of, and watch them flail and sputter and get all spasmodic.

When the Democrats won the 2008 election, the Party let its guard down. Big Mistake. “Whew! We won! Oh, thank God, now we can relax!” Suckers! For us, it was “OK, Plan A didn’t work — activate Plan B.” The health insurance industry has hundreds of billions of dollars to fight this thing. There are a lot of fake “grass roots” organizations which receive an unlimited supply of money from the HMOs. The Democrats know all about this; they just can’t do anything about it. Each of these groups has an army of fake “protesters” who go out and recite the slogans and talking points they’ve been given. The FreedomWorks Rent-A-Drones™ and Patients United Now Robo-Shouters™ are two examples; just two out of many. Now, when these rent-a-stooges, or whatever you want to call ‘em, go out and yell and shriek and wave signs, the media dutifully reports it, and millions of vapid TV viewers will see it and go “death panels?!?!?!?” They’ll tell their friends about it, and they’ll all trade stories. “Yeah, I heard people in England have to wait three years just to get a doctor’s appointment.” “I heard the northern United States is jam packed with Canadians coming here to get emergency medical care.”

And the rumors keep spreading, the panic grows, and the snowball keeps rolling downhill. You people don’t stand a chance.


cross-posted at Bring It On!


Blogger Holte Ender said...

Tom - I see it all happening in front of my eyes, just this high-ranking strategist says. Who did he/she give this interview to?

August 19, 2009 at 3:21 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Holte: It's almost too realistic to be satire. I don't know whether the Democrats are really that helpless, or if the two parties are secretly working together and just pretending to be adversaries.

August 19, 2009 at 4:48 PM  
Blogger Holte Ender said...

Tom - That working together theory has crossed my mind over the years, hence the two party system, I guess I am in denial over it.

Like you say to real to be satirical, I was scrambling for a source, googled it, totally believable. Nice one.

August 19, 2009 at 6:25 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

The debate is far from settled, though. They have done so much screeching that they finally got Barney Frank to come after them, and his response has gone viral. I'm thinking it's gonna hurt.

August 19, 2009 at 6:51 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

Tom, it almost is too true to be funny.

It might help if someone would take Obama to one side and point out to him that we've two particularly nice-guy presidents in recent decades: Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. Carter couldn't get re-elected and Ford couldn't win his own full term. And neither one accomplished anything large and lasting that I can recall.

A word to the wise, and all that.

August 19, 2009 at 7:14 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Good job, Tom! You've nailed it here. The Republican strategists are like a schoolyard bully, but in this case the bully is smart, and his parents are extremely wealthy.

August 20, 2009 at 6:53 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

If you're going to be pretzeldent of an empire, one of the top requirements is that you pretty much have to be a dick, or if you're senile like Reagan, have an army of assholes at the beck and call of your oil n' CIA man.

Your opening made me think of Indiana Jones. The swordsman is being all flashy, then an exhausted Indy pulls out his gun and blammo.

August 20, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

I was plenty impressed by Barney Frank recently.

Dems are stupid if they think the Repuks will play nice.

August 20, 2009 at 7:23 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Holte: I think more people might start believing the "both parties are working together" theory if Obama doesn't step up soon. He's too shrewd to let himself get walked on like this.

JR: I loved that response from Barney Frank. The more it spread over the Net, the better.

SW: Good point. We certainly don't want Obama to go down in history next to Ford and Carter, especially not in the "nice guys who finished last" category.

Snave: Good analogy -- a bully who's smart and has wealthy parents.

Randal: That was my favorite Indiana Jones scene.

Enemy: That was a great retort by Barney Frank.

August 20, 2009 at 5:16 PM  
Anonymous Thomas said...

I'm kind of wondering if I should start my own astroturfing company. Since most conservatives are immune to irony, I wonder if I could make a joke out of their whole campaign while getting paid for it.

August 20, 2009 at 6:41 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Intelligent debate are two words not in the Republican lexicon.

August 20, 2009 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Thomas: That sounds like a cool way to make some money while ridiculing conservatives.

Lew: Nope, those 2 words aren't part of the conservative vocabulary.

August 20, 2009 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger Dave Dubya said...

The sad reality is, while the two parties may not always work together, they both work for the same White Men's Big Money Club.

It doesn't even matter if there's a "liberal" in the White House with Democratic majorities in Congress. The US government remains an institutionalized right-wing empire run by corporate interests.

Those who make it their business to keep at least half of the public ignorant of this are succeeding. You cleverly illustrate how easy it is.

August 21, 2009 at 10:26 AM  
Blogger Demeur said...

I think Dave hit the nail on the head. Money trumps principles every time.

August 21, 2009 at 12:31 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Dave: That's all too true, unfortunately. Corporate America has a tight scrotal grip on both parties.

Demeur: That's the truth -- principles don't stand a chance.

August 21, 2009 at 3:21 PM  
Blogger LiteralDan said...

God, this post and the comments are just too depressing. 100% accurate, but depressing.

August 28, 2009 at 12:13 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

LiteralDan: Yup, accurate and depressing at the same time.

August 28, 2009 at 3:24 PM  

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