Republican Insider Reveals Winning Strategy

A high-ranking Republican strategist — who insisted on remaining anonymous — has given an exclusive interview explaining why they’re so successful in derailing Obama’s agenda, even though the Republicans got trounced in the last election:

For one thing, we fight dirty. Principles are for pussies. The Democrats are like somebody who’s a martial arts expert. One of those highly ritualized martial arts, you know the kind I mean, spectacular to watch in a tournament but useless in a real fight. So there’s the Democrat standing there making all these fancy stylistic arm movements, making weird noises, making his hands look like an eagle claw or whatever, waiting for some sort of signal that the fight’s about to begin. And while he’s waiting, the Republican kicks him in the balls, stomps on his instep, punches him in the Adams Apple and jams a thumbnail in his eye. Works every time. Everyone keeps saying the Democrats should retaliate, fight fire with fire, fight dirty. But they never will, because they’re suckers.

And we keep improving and fine-tuning our use of the Big Lie technique. We never get tired of watching Americans go into a mass panic attack every time we yell out “Death Panel” or “Rationed Care.” It’s just too fuckin’ hilarious — yell out this phrase and then watch the terrified stampede of millions of gullible people. But this isn’t for entertainment; don’t get me wrong. There’s a purpose. These Big Lies put the Democrats on the defensive. They’re so busy denying our wacky, totally groundless accusations, they don’t have time to do anything else. Some Democrat has a smooth, well-thought-out speech all prepared, and before he can even read it, he’s frantically yelling and flailing about “No, no, I swear, there are no death panels that will execute your parents when they get sick.” “No, people in Canada are not dying in the emergency room because they’ve been waiting there for three weeks and there’s still no doctor available.” “I categorically deny that I am a socialist who wants to destroy America.” It shouldn’t be funny, but God, these Democrats are so easy, such pushovers. Just yell out the zaniest, most absurd accusations you can think of, and watch them flail and sputter and get all spasmodic.

When the Democrats won the 2008 election, the Party let its guard down. Big Mistake. “Whew! We won! Oh, thank God, now we can relax!” Suckers! For us, it was “OK, Plan A didn’t work — activate Plan B.” The health insurance industry has hundreds of billions of dollars to fight this thing. There are a lot of fake “grass roots” organizations which receive an unlimited supply of money from the HMOs. The Democrats know all about this; they just can’t do anything about it. Each of these groups has an army of fake “protesters” who go out and recite the slogans and talking points they’ve been given. The FreedomWorks Rent-A-Drones™ and Patients United Now Robo-Shouters™ are two examples; just two out of many. Now, when these rent-a-stooges, or whatever you want to call ‘em, go out and yell and shriek and wave signs, the media dutifully reports it, and millions of vapid TV viewers will see it and go “death panels?!?!?!?” They’ll tell their friends about it, and they’ll all trade stories. “Yeah, I heard people in England have to wait three years just to get a doctor’s appointment.” “I heard the northern United States is jam packed with Canadians coming here to get emergency medical care.”

And the rumors keep spreading, the panic grows, and the snowball keeps rolling downhill. You people don’t stand a chance.

MWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA

cross-posted at Bring It On!