Republican Governors Move to Abolish Labor Day
A Harvard study has concluded that celebrating the Fourth of July is turning America into a nation of flag-waving automatons. After hearing of this report, the Koch Brothers have made the obvious connection and sprung into action. They’ve ordered their prostitutes — formerly known as Republican governors — to nip socialism in the bud by prohibiting Labor Day celebrations.
A Koch Industries spokesperson said:
“We’ve already cut off the Democrats’ main source of money and political clout by squishing labor unions. We’ve orchestrated a bunch of hysteria about 'voter fraud,' and now only rich white property owners can vote. Why stop here? If Fourth of July parades are increasing the number of patriotic Americans, then obviously Labor Day is generating class warfare; resentment; the politics of envy. We need to fix this problem.”
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said:
“I send my children to a private school so they’ll strive to get someplace in life and BE somebody. I guess there’s nothing wrong with being a common laborer or a grease monkey, but why should we HONOR those people with a holiday? Yuk.”
Ohio Governor John Kasich agreed:
“If some dumbfuck is in his forties and still doing manual labor, he deserves to be scorned. Pitied. Berated. Not feted with a holiday.”
Maine Governor Paul LePage said:
“The liberals all whined and sobbed when I took down that stupid mural that was glorifying stoop labor. But now it looks like I’ve started a trend. I knew my fellow teabaggers would follow my lead.”
Next on the chopping block: May Day and Cinco de Mayo.