Who Hijacked Our Country

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Republican Governors Move to Abolish Labor Day

A Harvard study has concluded that celebrating the Fourth of July is turning America into a nation of flag-waving automatons. After hearing of this report, the Koch Brothers have made the obvious connection and sprung into action. They’ve ordered their prostitutes — formerly known as Republican governors — to nip socialism in the bud by prohibiting Labor Day celebrations.

A Koch Industries spokesperson said:

“We’ve already cut off the Democrats’ main source of money and political clout by squishing labor unions. We’ve orchestrated a bunch of hysteria about 'voter fraud,' and now only rich white property owners can vote. Why stop here? If Fourth of July parades are increasing the number of patriotic Americans, then obviously Labor Day is generating class warfare; resentment; the politics of envy. We need to fix this problem.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said:

“I send my children to a private school so they’ll strive to get someplace in life and BE somebody. I guess there’s nothing wrong with being a common laborer or a grease monkey, but why should we HONOR those people with a holiday? Yuk.”

Ohio Governor John Kasich agreed:

“If some dumbfuck is in his forties and still doing manual labor, he deserves to be scorned. Pitied. Berated. Not feted with a holiday.

Maine Governor Paul LePage said:

“The liberals all whined and sobbed when I took down that stupid mural that was glorifying stoop labor. But now it looks like I’ve started a trend. I knew my fellow teabaggers would follow my lead.”

Next on the chopping block: May Day and Cinco de Mayo.


Blogger Randal Graves said...

What's so comical about the view of labor is that many ostensible lefties share this collective ick towards those who don't have desk jobs. I see it every day.

I encounter plenty of PhDs who are as dumb as a sack of rocks outside their very narrow field.

Word verification: discent, when pennies revolt.

July 6, 2011 at 10:20 AM  
Anonymous Thomas said...

Hey, there may be some very good reasons for eliminating Labor Day.

I'm just sayin'.

July 6, 2011 at 11:43 AM  
Blogger Jack Jodell said...

I'd rather we did away with these Republican governors. BASTARDS!

July 6, 2011 at 3:18 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

I'm with Jack, who I'm sure is speaking in political terms.

I think it would be cool if the president, vice president and labor secretary would show up at Labor Day events put on by unions across the country this year, making a really big deal out of it. It might offset the strong feeling organized labor has that the Obama administration doesn't really know them and doesn't especially want to know them.

July 6, 2011 at 9:50 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Randal: I hear that. Righties and Lefties are equally likely to thumb their noses and go "eww, he's only a __________________." And I've known plenty of higher-up white collar people who know their own job inside out, backwards and forwards; but outside of that narrow scope, they're dumber than dirt.

Thomas: Interesting idea -- eliminating five of those 1-day holidays and tacking them all together for a full week off. Works for me.

Jack: Agreed. Make 'em all walk the plank.

SW: That would be an excellent move for members of the Obama Administration, but I don't see it happening.

July 7, 2011 at 12:44 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

I agree, Tom. I wouldn't count on any members of the current administration showing up for too many Labor Day celebrations. I'm starting to view Obama as a "blue dog" Democrat, kind of a Ben Nelson or Blanche Lincoln type.

July 7, 2011 at 11:23 PM  

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