America in 2060: Christians to the Back of the Bus; Separate Drinking Fountains for Christians

The American Family Association has seen the future, and it’s not pretty.

The AFA sent out a mass mailing titled “What will religion look like in the year 2060?”  The e-mail warned that by the year 2060, Christians will be in the same marginalized position as blacks were during the Jim Crow era.

Here’s the letter:

What will religion look like in the year 2060?

Conservative Christians will be treated as second class citizens, much like African Americans were prior to civil rights legislation in the 1960s.  Family as we know it will be drastically changed with the state taking charge of the children beginning at birth.

Marriage will include two, three, four or any number of participants. Marriage will not be important, with individuals moving in and out of a “family” group at will.

Church buildings will be little used, with many sold to secular buyers and the money received going to the government.  Churches will not be allowed to discuss any political issues, even if it affects the church directly.

Tax credit given to churches and non-profit organizations will cease.  Christian broadcasting will be declared illegal based on the separation of church and state. The airwaves belong to the government, therefore they cannot be used for any religious purpose.

We will have, or have had, a Muslim president.  Cities with a name from the Bible such as St. Petersburg, Bethlehem, etc. will be forced to change their name due to separation of church and state.

Groups connected to any religious affiliation will be forced out of health care.   Health centers get tax money from the state, making it a violation of church and state.

Get involved! Sign THE STATEMENT.

Sincerely,

Donald E. Wildmon

We “will have had” a Muslim president???  But Obama IS a Muslim.  What will the Birthers have to say about this?  And Donald Wildmon forgot to mention Agenda 21 and the Black Helicopters.

Florida Family Association

I don’t understand why there’s so much public fury at Lowe’s for pulling their TV ads after being threatened with a boycott.  Sure it was spineless for them to cower and bend over under pressure from a pitiful group of Biblehumping inbreds.  But most of the public’s anger should be directed at the aforementioned inbreds — the Florida Family Association.

The Florida Family Association is apparently not affiliated with the American Family Association, even though both groups love to handle snakes, and they both go into mass seizures at the mere mention of Muslims, gay rights and people who say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

As you know, the president of the Florida Family Association — David Caton — threatened to boycott Lowe’s because Lowe’s was one of the sponsors of the TLC program “All-American Muslim.”  Blasphemy!  A TV show that portrays Muslims as ordinary day-to-day people instead of crazed jihadists — the nerve!

I’ve never seen All-American Muslim, or any other “reality” TV show for that matter.  But I’ve seen a Canadian program — Little Mosque on the Prairie — a sitcom about the Muslim population in a small town in Saskatchewan.  It’s pretty funny — just day to day life in a small town where the people happen to be Muslims.  Presumably Canada doesn’t have any gangs of knuckle-dragging rednecks trying to get Little Mosque on the Prairie taken off the air.

Other TV shows condemned by the Florida Family Association include:  Family Guy, Nip/Tuck, The Girls Next Door and Modern Family.  Somebody has way too much time — and too many snakes — on his hands.

The Values Voter Summit: Exclusive Coverage

If you’re an upstanding Real American, you already know that the Values Voter Summit is being held today through Sunday at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, D.C.  Most of the GOP presidential candidates will be there, plus a lot of other conservative VIPs.

The Values Voter Summit is being sponsored by the Family Research Council and the American Family Association.  These Godfearing organizations will be warning their audience about the evils of abortion, socialism and the Homosexual Agenda.

Eric Cantor and John Boehner have already spoken.  Later today the audience will get a chance to hear Steve “my nail polish isn’t dry yet” King, Rick Perry and Laura Ingraham.

Tomorrow’s speakers include Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney and Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.  And tomorrow afternoon there will be a lecture titled Why Christians Should Support Israel Even Though We Hate Jews.

Sunday morning will feature a worship service led by Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.


Be there.

Would Jesus Eat Schweddy Balls Ice Cream?

The American Family Association is boycotting Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream over the obscene name of their newest flavor:  Schweddy Balls.  The flavor is named after a Saturday Night Live skit about a baker named Pete Schweddy, whose best-selling holiday treat is Schweddy Balls.

Yes, that’s what Jesus would do — go into a hissyfit over a double entendre.  The Bible clearly states that suggestive phrases are EVIL.  Don’t believe me?  It says right here — hmmm, wait, that’s not it.

OK, here it is.  OOPS, that’s not it either.  Damn it, it’s in here somewhere…

OneMillionMoms, a group affiliated with the American Family Association, is organizing the boycott.  The group’s website says:

“The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.”

OK, now that we’ve taken care of this Earthshaking problem…

Exclusive Coverage of Rick Perry’s National Day of Prayer

Presidential wannabe (even though he hasn’t admitted it yet) Rick Perry held a National Day of Prayer at Houston’s Reliant Arena today. He told the audience: “I’m one of you!”

Rick Perry’s gathering of the faithful was financed by the American Family Association.

Perry’s official name for today’s event is The Response. One speaker after another called for a return to Family Values and Decency.

Outside the arena, a protester told reporters:

“The brand of Christianity being offered today is one of fear, and we want to let people know that God loves everyone, not to be afraid.”

When Rick Perry heard that, he gave The Response.

Teabaggers: “Racism? Bigotry? Moi???”

Them liberals are playing the race card again. They keep spreading these vicious rumors, saying us teabaggers hate queers and swarthy minorities.

Rightwing presidential wannabe Tim Pawlenty (R—Bigot) is vowing to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if he gets elected. Here is part of a conversation between Pawlenty and Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association (talk about birds of a feather):

Snakehandler: “We just saw the ban on homosexual service in the military repealed, overturned. Conservatives will be working over the next couple of years to see that that ban is reinstated. If you become president in 2012, will you work to reinstate the prohibition on open homosexual service in the military? Would you sign such a prohibition if it got to your desk?”

Fringe Candidate: “Bryan, I have been a public and repeat supporter of maintaining Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. There’s a lot of reasons for that, but if you look at how the combat commanders and the combat units feel about it, the results of those kinds of surveys were different than the ones that were mostly reported in the newspaper and that is something I think we need to pay attention to. But I have been a public supporter of maintaining Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and I would support reinstating it as well.”

Aha! I get it now. Military personnel are actually scared shitless — Petrified! — at the thought of having homosexuals serving in the military, and that damn liberal media is covering this up. They just made up a bunch of phony survey results.

In other news, the Tennessee Teabaggers Union wants to whitewash (literally) the state’s history curriculum. They don’t want textbooks to mention anything about that there “Minority Experience,” whatever in tarnation that might could be.

Attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s spokesman (this numbnuts went to law school???) said his teajobs want to get rid of:

“…an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.”

[pshaw] What, them liberal flag-burners are trying to say our ancestors stole land from the Indians?? Owned slaves??? Balderdash!

Now, again, what was all that liberal claptrap about teabaggers being a bunch of racists and bigots?

Jesus Said: “Kill Those Swarthy Natives! And Steal Their Land!”

The American Family Association strikes again. Two months ago the AFA’s Grand Wizard, Bryan Fischer, called for the extermination of all grizzly bears — as God intended.

And now, the same dickwad is having a tantrum over the “U.N. Declaration on Rights of Indigenous Peoples,” and the fact that Obama has endorsed it. So have the leaders of 145 other countries. (This story came out on December 21st but I just heard about it last night on the Colbert Report.)

It’s a non-binding resolution that states:

“Indigenous peoples have the right to the lands, territories and resources which they have traditionally owned, occupied or otherwise used or acquired,” and nations “shall give legal recognition and protection to these lands, territories and resources.”

There’s nothing an Inbred Redneck loves better than an evil global conspiracy involving that homo United Nations. Some people make such douchebags of themselves, you can’t even mimic or satirize them. Therefore, in Bryan Fischer’s own words:

“In other words, President Obama wants to give the entire land mass of the United States of America back to the Indians. He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords…I see no reason why the president, after he leaves office, can’t submit himself to the authority of any Indian tribe he wants to. Perhaps he figures that, as an adopted Crow Indian, he will be the new chief over this revived Indian empire.”

The evidence rests.

Shoot the American Family Association on Sight

Not the entire organization; just their Chief Cock-and-Scrotum-Washer, Bryan Fischer. And make it hurt. Make him twist slowly in the wind.

I’m not sure what killing the last grizzly bear has to do with “family values.” For some reason, the above-mentioned pukestain was sent over the edge by an L.A. Times article titled “Grim Outlook for Grizzlies in Yellowstone region.” The author, Julie Cart, wrote:

“With more bears and more people stuffed into the 22,000 square miles of bear habitat, something has to give, and no one here has a simple answer...”

(Here’s the link.)

Bryan “Short Eyes” Fischer responded with:

“Of course there is a simple answer: shoot these man-eaters on sight…One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.”

(In case you’re looking for a good laugh — or an excuse to kick the computer — here’s the link. You‘ll need to wash your eyes out with soap afterward.)

After that Biblical outpouring, Bryan Fischer still has some of God’s Love left over for federal judges:

“Maybe we could send a few of these 'nuisance' bears home with these federal judges and help them get their minds right about the mindless risk they are forcing on their fellow members of the human race. God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse.”

If “the land is under a curse,” here’s the cure: get Bryan Fischer out of the gene pool.

American Family Association is a FRONT for the Homosexual Agenda!

Yes, fellow Christians, you read that right. God help us all! Our world has been shattered. The Reverend Donald Wildmon and the American Family Association are secretly PROMOTING the homosexual lifestyle, the Gay Agenda, Sodom and Gomorrah — call it what you like.

This video is from the American Family Association website. They're busted! Outed! The truth is ugly and painful, but it’s better that we know. Oh My God. Let. Us. Pray.

Christianity’s Ugly Stepchild

This Newsweek column (by Lisa Miller) brought on waves of nostalgia. Those forgotten memories… I remember now: at one time Christianity was supposed to be about helping others; feeling a sense of duty; humility; and not judging others lest ye be judged.

Yes, it’s all coming back now. There really was a time when the “Homosexual Agenda” wasn’t the scariest threat facing our nation. Back then, fears of nuclear annihilation and worldwide destruction were much more alarming than dirty words on a TV show. Helping the less fortunate was more important than spewing hatred at everyone who was “different.”

What the fuck happened?

Most of today’s “Christians” are so obsessed with abortion and gay marriage, they’ve forgotten to look up, look around and see what's going on out there in the real world. We’re facing some unimaginable environmental catastrophes, whether they occur next year or the next century. We have a certifiable nutcase in the White House who’s determined to stir up as much trouble around the world as he possibly can. Millions of Americans are living in poverty. Millions more are one paycheck away from homelessness.

Hello??? Does this ring a bell? Any Christians out there? Regardless of anyone’s political opinions about these problems, these are moral issues if there ever was such a thing. Aren’t these the problems Christians should be concerned with? What Would Jesus Do?

As Lisa Miller says, Christians used to “put the suffering of those with less above the suffering of those with more.”

On the day of John F. Kennedy’s funeral, Robert Kennedy wrote a note to his oldest daughter, Kathleen (she was 12 at the time): “You seemed to understand that Jack died and was buried today. As the oldest of the Kennedy grandchildren—you have a particular responsibility now—a special responsibility to John and Joe. Be kind to others and work for your country. Love, Daddy.”

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend now has a book out, “Failing America’s Faithful.” As Lisa Miller puts it, this book is “mourning a world in which being Christian meant caring for others and making sacrifices to solve problems.”

America’s churches have been in the forefront of almost every battle for justice: abolishing slavery, women’s suffrage, the labor movement, the civil rights battles of the 1950s and ‘60s. Today, the people who fought those battles have been replaced by Jerry Falwell, Fred Phelps and James Dobson.

I’m on the American Family Association’s mailing list (“Know Your Enemy” and all that). You wouldn’t believe the hateful, simple-minded garbage they spit out several times a week. 99.9% of it is either about homosexuals or a TV show they're trying to ban. There's never a word about species’ being killed off, or people being downsized out of their jobs and onto the street. Their website has to be seen to be believed. Look at this shit. You'll either bust a gut laughing or be so pissed off you'll have steam coming out of your ears — or both.

There are undoubtedly millions of Christians who are well-intentioned and concerned about other people. But unfortunately their “leaders” — the ones who keep grabbing all the headlines (and the money) — are a bunch of simple-minded douchebags who wish they could turn the clock back to the good old days of the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials.

Hilarious New Comedy Website

Let’s take a short break from Iraqmire, Plamegate, global warming, the Bush Crime Family… Sometimes you just need a good laugh, and this site is the place to go.

Some crazed gonzo comedian named Donald Wildmon seems to be in charge of this website, and boy is he a hoot! Yeehaaww!! These guys do a wicked dead-on imitation of a bunch of snakehandling 'bacca-chewin' family-tree-has-no-branches Biblespewing rednecks. They're so good, you might get a sudden impulse to roll around on the floor and start speaking in tongues.

Warning: Don’t be drinking anything while you're visiting this site. These screaming memes will have you busting a gut and spewing coffee all over your keyboard. Check it out.