“The Art of War” by Eric Cantor

That quaint old book by Sun Tzu was entertaining, but it’s hopelessly passé nowadays. Fighting? “Know Your Enemy?” Get with it.

Eric Cantor (R—Inbred) knows how to conquer a country: Send some volunteer aid workers over to help the refugees inside an enemy country, allow this enemy country to kill those aid workers (i.e. your own citizens) and — Presto! — you have now destroyed your enemy.

This is how Turkey conquered Israel. As you probably know by now, Israel is toast! They’ve been destroyed by Turkey.

Eric Cantor — and the bone-stupid rednecks that elected him — probably doesn’t know this, but Turkey is a member of NATO. And NATO is kind of like a biker gang — all on one, one on all. If a NATO member is attacked by another country, every other NATO member is obligated to attack that country.

Israel’s murder of those Turkish aid workers (and one American citizen of Turkish descent) probably isn’t an act of war — technically anyway. Just imagine, the United States having to declare war on Israel for attacking another NATO country.

What would we do? Withdraw from NATO, or attack the only country in the world that doesn’t hate us?

Meanwhile, Egypt will be keeping the border open “indefinitely” between Egypt and the Palestinian Territory. That’s good news for the one and a half million Palestinians who’ve been isolated in Gaza for the past three years.

Those swarthy peasants needed to be severely punished, of course. They voted for Hamas. No Democracy For You!

The Conservative Mentality: An Explanation

As infuriating as these people are, this article gives us a chance to understand them. Learning what makes them tick might not necessarily change their behavior. But if we understand the causes of their affliction, we might view them with pity instead of loathing. Sympathy for the Devil.

In any case, as The Art of War says: “Know Your Enemy.”

For one thing, conservatives are squeamish. They’re grossed out easily. Bugs, the sight of blood — anything that’s “icky” — just makes them squirm and recoil. And this squeamishness is the reason they hate homosexuals. They’re grossed out at the thought of two people of the same sex “doing it,” so they want it banned. It has absolutely nothing to do with the Bible or anything “Holy.” It’s “Disgusting” — end of story. Ban it. Get rid of it. Get it out of my sight.

Another conservative trait is tidiness. Neatness. Order. Anal retention.

Sometimes these two characteristics — tidiness and squeamishness — will combine to form a very odd subspecies: Chickenhawkus Americus.

This specimen will look at a map, an article, a chart, etc., and start forming a neat orderly picture of how everything “should” be. Let’s get all of our ducks in a row. The police need to crack down on those unsightly homeless people (drug users, homosexuals, hippies, liberals, you name it). We need to march into all of these primitive/ leftist/ Muslim countries and straighten everything out. Right now.

While fantasizing about making everything neat and tidy and “nice,” the Chickenhawkus Americus will simultaneously squirm and gag at the thought of actually — personally! — contributing anything to this effort. “But, I, I might have to run, and do pushups, and start sweating and panting. Eewww!!! I, I could get hurt! Mommy?!?!?!?!?”

Now that we understand the nature of their affliction, let’s try to conjure up some sympathy for these people…

Oh well, easier said than done.