Eric Cantor: “I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up”

I know this is yesterday's news — day before yesterday's actually — but I was out of town for a few days and wasn't doing anything online.  I couldn't believe it when I saw the screaming headline inside a USA Today news rack yesterday.  YES!!!

I don't care if Eric Cantor's political disembowelment is good or bad for the Democrats.  I'm just glad that arrogant fuck got his comeuppance.  Couldn't have happened to a nicer person.  Like the saying goes, remember the people you stepped on when you were climbing the ladder; you'll meet the same people on your way back down (or whatever the exact quote is).  The Hubris before the fall.  One day you're thumping your chest and shouting “I want what I want when I want it.”  The next day you've fallen and you can't get up, and nobody cares.

Eric Cantor was a little too smug and complacent when an unknown Teabagger named David Brat challenged him in the primary.  David Brat's entire campaign spending totaled $122,000.  Eric Cantor spent more than that just partying at swanky bars and restaurants ($169,000).  On the day of the primary, instead of being glued to the latest political updates, he had a meeting with some of the GOP's wealthiest donors.

“Oh!  Nevermind!”

Darrell Issa: “The American Lobbyists Have Spoken”

Darrell Issa (R—Sleazebag) has been publicly soliciting advice from business owners on which government regulations are the most cumbersome and job-killing. He has a website where anyone can give the name of their business and which regulations they’d like eliminated.

He’s been blathering all over the news about the responses he’s gotten from the nation’s “job creators,” “the backbone of this great nation” — The American People™. And now it turns out most of these responses were from lobbyists.

He hasn’t gotten a single response from any of the country’s ten largest publicly owned companies, nor from any of the thirty largest job creators.

In other Republican tinfoil hattery (or is that a redundancy?), Eric Cantor (R—Lopsided Sneer) said America’s top priority in Egypt is to “stop the spread of radical Islam.”

If the United States is supposed to stop radical Islam from spreading in Egypt, then using that same “logic,” it’s up to Egypt to clamp down on Pat Robertson and James Dobson and other radical “Christian” snakehandlers in this country.

Then again, maybe this is exactly why radical Islam has such a huge appeal in the Middle East. After decades of being ruled by hand-picked American dictators and being generally treated like pawns on a chessboard, people might be more likely to get swept up in the throes of religion.

Loudmouth American ignoramuses are making radical Islam more likely to spread when they tell desperate Egyptians what kind of government or religion they can have. But try explaining that kind of simple cause-and-effect sequence to a Republican.

With Eric Cantor’s grasp of cause and effect, he probably thinks rain is caused by wet sidewalks.

“The Art of War” by Eric Cantor

That quaint old book by Sun Tzu was entertaining, but it’s hopelessly passé nowadays. Fighting? “Know Your Enemy?” Get with it.

Eric Cantor (R—Inbred) knows how to conquer a country: Send some volunteer aid workers over to help the refugees inside an enemy country, allow this enemy country to kill those aid workers (i.e. your own citizens) and — Presto! — you have now destroyed your enemy.

This is how Turkey conquered Israel. As you probably know by now, Israel is toast! They’ve been destroyed by Turkey.

Eric Cantor — and the bone-stupid rednecks that elected him — probably doesn’t know this, but Turkey is a member of NATO. And NATO is kind of like a biker gang — all on one, one on all. If a NATO member is attacked by another country, every other NATO member is obligated to attack that country.

Israel’s murder of those Turkish aid workers (and one American citizen of Turkish descent) probably isn’t an act of war — technically anyway. Just imagine, the United States having to declare war on Israel for attacking another NATO country.

What would we do? Withdraw from NATO, or attack the only country in the world that doesn’t hate us?

Meanwhile, Egypt will be keeping the border open “indefinitely” between Egypt and the Palestinian Territory. That’s good news for the one and a half million Palestinians who’ve been isolated in Gaza for the past three years.

Those swarthy peasants needed to be severely punished, of course. They voted for Hamas. No Democracy For You!

If Your IQ is Lower Than Your Shoe Size — Sign This Petition

Every time you think there couldn’t possibly be a cheaper, more useless stunt, some mouthbreathing rightwad will come up with one. And then when you think “come on, nobody’s dumb enough to believe this,” thousands of knuckledraggers come slithering out to prove you wrong.

Are you ready for this? Some douchebag has started an online petition to call Congress back from their 5-week summer recess so that Exxon's prostitutes can force a vote on offshore drilling. Riiight, that’s gonna happen.

Never mind that the above-mentioned hookers have just defeated a bill that would require oil companies to drill on some of the 68 million acres that they’re already leasing. They also defeated a bill that would have extended tax credits for renewable energy development; these tax credits will now expire at the end of this year.

Another bill that just got defeated (yes, by the same Republican skanks again) would have made the trading process more open and transparent, so regulators could see if speculators were driving up oil prices. If speculators are doing nothing shady or illegal, then they shouldn’t have had anything to fear from this bill.

And Bush-hugging McCain thinks it’s hilarious to even mention checking your tire pressure and getting regular tune-ups for better gas mileage. Never mind that doing those two simple things will improve your gas mileage and save you money right NOW, not ten years from now.

Nope. If your family tree has no branches, and you find yourself getting lost in a one-room apartment, then YOU think drilling for oil in environmentally-protected areas is the ONLY way to bring down gas prices. And Simple John McPander and his fellow wingtards have just the gimmick for you.

This online petition drive was started by a rightwing Political Action Committee, Cantor For Congress. As in Eric Cantor, who seems most likely to be McSame’s vice presidential nominee. Talk about birds of a feather…

As of this writing, this retarded petition has over sixteen thousand signatures, and it just started two days ago. I didn’t know that many neckdroolers could operate a computer.

Some of those signatures are probably bogus. If you type any nonsensical word into the first and last name fields, and a fake e-mail address, you get a “Thank You For Signing” message. Er, ahem, not that I would have any first-hand knowledge of this, or anything…

cross-posted at Bring It On!