Blackwater aka John Smith Inc. aka Your Neighborhood Security Guy aka…

Blackwater has painted itself into the same corner the Moonies have been painted into since the early 1970s. When your name is already a laughingstock among billions of people, but you don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing — make up a new name. And then another new name. And another one. And another one.

Nobody wants to do business with a gang of inbred thugs with low IQs, quick tempers and machine guns coming out of their ears. First Blackwater changed its name to Xe. Didn’t help. Now they’ve got about thirty shell companies and subsidiaries. Thirty little Blackwaters, multiplying and spreading like an infection.

It’s surprising the mainstream “media” even picked up this story. But at least they slipped it in during a three-day weekend. We’re all familiar with the Friday News Dump. I don’t know what you call it when an important story gets run on the Saturday before Labor Day.

These thirty innocent little Blackwaterettes are still trying to get millions of dollars worth of government contracts. Some have succeeded; some haven’t. But at least three of them have been hired by the Pentagon and the CIA. XPG and Greystone are two of the Miniature Blackwaters that got CIA contracts.

In Berkeley during the early ‘70s there was a local (or so I thought) innocuous-seeming New Age group called The Ideal City. They were sort of pushy, but harmless. They always had that same vapid smile that Jesus Freaks had back then, and they kept trying to get people to visit them at their headquarters in Boonville, CA.

Years later I saw an article about the Moonies, saying they use a lot of different names since nobody will have anything to do with the Moonies. The article had a long list of group names that were Moonies in disguise, and The Ideal City was on the list.

Let’s hope somebody will start looking a little deeper when Mom ‘n’ Pop Security or We Protect Your Family tries to get a government contract.

Giuliani: “There Was No Iranian Hostage Crisis During the Carter Years”

Who needs Snopes when we have Rudy Giuliani, our walking talking one-man Urban Legend Debunker.

What’s this “9/11” that everybody keeps blubbering about? Apparently, millions of deluded Americans think there was some sort of terrorist attack on that date. Not only that, but it was supposedly a terrorist attack on American soil. [rolls eyes] Christ, what are they putting in our drinking water???

Anyway, Ask Rudy™ — he’ll set you straight. This nation “had no domestic attacks” under President George W. Bush. OK now? Understand???

Rudy is now debunking some of the other urban legends that gullible Americans just can’t seem to let go of. These include:

President Bill Clinton had an affair with one of his interns, right there in the Oval Office. While Clinton was sitting at his desk performing presidential duties, this imaginary intern would crawl underneath his desk and perform her “duties.”

The United States of America invaded Iraq in 1991. It’s true that there was a mysterious fireworks celebration in Baghdad for a few weeks in early 1991. That much you could verify just by turning on the evening news — it looked like some sort of Fourth of July celebration in Baghdad. But somehow a bunch of tinfoil hatters are insisting that those fireworks were actually [smirk] American warplanes dropping bombs on Iraq. WTF???

In the early 1930s there was a “Great Depression” that nearly brought America to her knees. Things were sooo bad — businessmen were jumping out of office windows. Formerly successful people were sitting on street corners selling apples, pencils, anything that might possibly earn them a few pennies. Whenever some Nanny State Liberal wants to create still another giant bloated government program, he/she always invokes this “Great Depression” as the reason we need more faceless government bureaucrats meddling in our lives.

So, you don’t actually believe any of the above claptrap, do you? If so — Ask Rudy™.

In Afghanistan, a private security firm known as Xe wants to help out with their special ops expertise. Xe — hmmm, never heard of ‘em. I guess that should be OK, as long as that fetid F$%&!#%&!#! Blackwater isn’t involved.

Erik Prince — VICTIM

These are tough times for conservatives. For some unfathomable reason, they’re all victims. Nobody knows why, but anyway...

They’re constantly being distorted and ridiculed and misquoted by the liberal media, even though that liberal media is owned and controlled by some of the world’s most powerful corporations.

Christians of course are persecuted mercilessly in their own country — a Christian Nation! This year’s War on Christmas promises to be more wicked than ever, what with that Kenyan Muslim terrorist in the White House and all.

It’s funny though — the cornerstone of conservative philosophy is personal responsibility. Self reliance. Whatever your problem is, quit whining about it, stop wallowing, pull yourself up and get over it. Suck it up.

And yet the people who hold this viewpoint are all victims. Oh well...

The latest victim is a True American Hero — Erik Prince. He inherited a fortune from his parents and he’s a Born Again Christian who worships fetuses. You can’t get any more American than that.

In 2007 his private mercenary company killed a bunch of them icky swarthy Iraqis. Isn’t that why we’re over there?!?!? We're Number One!! Wagons Ho!

And for his bravery, for acting above and beyond the call of duty, Erik Prince is being Persecuted! Thrown under the bus!

He founded Blackwater in 1997. Business got really good during the post-9/11 hysteria. But after Blackwater mowed down those savages in Iraq two years ago, that pansy leftwing media started whining and handwringing, and they blew the whole tiny incident way out of proportion.

Last February Prince changed the company’s name to Xe, thinking that would erase all of the infamy and controversy created by Blackwater.

Erik Prince is comparing his persecution and victimhood to that of Valerie Plame. Damn right! Take a look at some of the parallels here:

They were both born into incredibly wealthy families. They both think fetuses are sacred and that once you’re born you have no purpose whatsoever. They both went to Iraq for the purpose of killing civilians in cold blood…

My God, the similarities are incredible!