Cheney: Fighting Desperately for the Right to Torture

The reclusive Dick Cheney (rumored to be the Vice President of the United States) has not fallen off the edge of the Earth. He still exists, and here's proof. Yes, a rare sighting indeed.

The shadowy slithery one has been working frantically behind the scenes. He’s fighting desperately for that most cherished of American freedoms: the right to tie up SUSPECTED terrorists, break their legs and zap their family jewels with ultra-high voltage.

(Special Help for rightwing nutcases: Note the all-caps boldfaced word SUSPECTED in the previous sentence. That’s because we’re talking about prisoners of war SUSPECTED of being terrorists. They haven’t been tried yet.)

In the past few months, Cheney has been so gung ho about the inalienable right to spreadeagle and torture, even Condoleezza Rice has started backing away from him. (She was always more attracted to Dumbya anyway.)

Are Republican lawmakers and cabinet members suddenly developing a set of principles, or are they just rats deserting a sinking ship? Who knows? In addition to Rice, acting Deputy Defense Secretary Gordon England and Elliot Abrams (one of our most rabid chickenhawks since the 1980s) are also easing away from Cheney.

Cheney’s camp is a “shrinking island,” according to a State Department official who declined to be identified.

Rice is in favor of clear guidelines on torture so that we can “get out of the detainee mess,” according to a senior official. The State Department and Pentagon are hoping to address all detainee issues at once, instead of on a piecemeal basis.

The lack of clear guidelines — with contradictory orders coming from every direction — is the root of these torture scandals. Soldiers are told to do whatever it takes to get confessions or information, and then their superiors are just shocked — shocked! — that a wayward soldier would do such things. The only solution is a uniform, clearly understood set of rules.

Cheney worked frantically to have McCain’s anti-torture amendment defeated in the Senate. Instead, the amendment was passed by a 90 to 9 vote. Now that the amendment seems to be a done deal (knock wood), Cheney’s burning issue is allowing the CIA to be exempt from these torture restrictions. However, the CIA hasn’t expressed any concerns about being exempt from the McCain amendment.

OK, why is Cheney so obsessed with performing kinky tortures on POWs? Let’s see what kind of sicko magazines he’s hiding in his closet…