America’s Hottest New Couple: Ted Cruz and Jesse Helms
Ted Cruz, the Senate’s fast-rising teabagger, has been gushing over his longtime idol, Jesse Helms (R—Dead). Starry-eyed Ted was swooning to an audience from the Heritage Foundation:
“The willingness to say all those crazy things is a rare, rare characteristic. And you know what? It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need a hundred more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate. I know if Jesse Helms were still with us, he would not shy away from this stuff, ‘cause they were all beating up on him, they were coming after him hard, and I thought it wasn’t right.”
In a heartwarming Horatio Alger moment, Ted Cruz told the audience about his first political donation: He contributed $10 to Jesse Helms. It took him twenty weeks to save up that $10 out of his allowance.
Ted Cruz needs to remember something else about his swashbuckling hero: On the day Jesse Helms died, the entire country celebrated with fireworks.