Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, September 12, 2013

America’s Hottest New Couple: Ted Cruz and Jesse Helms

Ted Cruz, the Senate’s fast-rising teabagger, has been gushing over his longtime idol, Jesse Helms (R—Dead).  Starry-eyed Ted was swooning to an audience from the Heritage Foundation:

“The willingness to say all those crazy things is a rare, rare characteristic.  And you know what? It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need a hundred more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.  I know if Jesse Helms were still with us, he would not shy away from this stuff, ‘cause they were all beating up on him, they were coming after him hard, and I thought it wasn’t right.”

In a heartwarming Horatio Alger moment, Ted Cruz told the audience about his first political donation:  He contributed $10 to Jesse Helms.  It took him twenty weeks to save up that $10 out of his allowance.

Ted Cruz needs to remember something else about his swashbuckling hero:  On the day Jesse Helms died, the entire country celebrated with fireworks.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never crossed my mind that Cruz was a closet case. His first political contribution to Helms? Wow.

I guess it doesn't even matter anymore WHY one is driven to psychosis IF it's only because of unfulfilled sexual desires?

Has the gay community finally been able to "move on" from creeps like Cruz? I THINK SO!!!

Ted Cruz is a crazy closet case teabagger, and there's nothing wrong with that!!! (the closet part, who are we to judge?)

September 13, 2013 at 1:39 AM  
Blogger Mr. Charleston said...

Well, if there's anybody out there who specializes in saying crazy things, it's Ted Cruz.

September 13, 2013 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Anonymous: Cruz and Helms, two of a kind. They deserve each other.

Mr. C: That's about his only talent, saying crazy things.

September 13, 2013 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger Jerry Critter said...

If anyone needed another reason not to vote for Ted, this is it.

September 13, 2013 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Jerry: Yup, one more reason, along with the hundreds of reasons we already had.

September 13, 2013 at 9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a laugh, a man donating to someone who would rather see him in the fields then in the senate. And from what I hear of John Wayne, I'm not surprised he donated either.

Erik

September 14, 2013 at 1:06 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: Maybe Cruz is a masochist and/or secretly longs to work in the fields.

September 14, 2013 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger Jerry Critter said...

Cruz working in the fields provides much more value to the US than Cruz working in the Senate.

September 14, 2013 at 12:42 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Jerry: LOL. That's for sure.

September 14, 2013 at 6:16 PM  

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