Zany Quotations from Ted Cruz

Haven't seen any of these Bad Lip Reading videos for awhile.

Ted Cruz will now entertain you.

GOP Statement: Robert Lewis Dear is a True American Hero

Now of course it’s an unofficial statement, since none of us Talibangelical Biblehumpers have the balls to say this publicly.  And that’s OK — we’ll just come up with a few kind-and-gentle scripted soundbites for our puppets/politicians to say to the media.

And in the meantime, the blunt truth is being shouted from the rooftops by our useful idiots — the inbred mouthbreathers who make up our “base,” and without whom none of us fucksticks would ever have a prayer of getting elected.

Anyway, here are just a few heartwarming examples:

“Planned Parenthood shooter has done more in one day to save black babies, then #Black Lives Matter has done in the last several months.”

“No sympathy for any pregnant female who was injured in the Planned Parenthood shooting that was there to get an abortion. She deserved it.”

“Active Shooter Colorado Planned Parenthood. I would think this brave HERO is saving innocent Baby lives!”

“Planned parenthood kills a million babies and no one bats an eye. but 1 brave hero tries to put a stop to that, everyone loses their minds.”

“Planned Parenthood ppl wants police to save their lives. Strange they don't give a fuck about babies lives.”

“ISIS would be a Justifiable End for These Baby Killers Please go To Syria and Leave these babies to Live a Free Life in America.”

Ahh, just warms the old cockles, don’t it?  Tell it all, Brother.  If Ted Cruz was dead (if only!!!), he’d be smiling and cackling from his grave.

Celebrity Boxing Match: Ted Cruz vs. Mike Huckabee

Coming soon to Pay Per View.  

Two horny Teadogs were fighting over a mate.  Mike Huckabee got the girl Photo Op with Kim Davis.  Ted Cruz got his ass kicked (figuratively) and didn't even get to go to the Jesus Party.

OK, you two badasses, save your white-hot fury for the boxing ring.

Who do you think will win?

Al Franken Walks Ted Cruz through the Deep Vast Mysteries of the Internet

What is it with Republicans and their mass befuddlement over the vast mysterious Internet?  Ted Stevens thought the Internet was “a series of tubes.”  Mitch McConnell says we don't need “the government tinkering with the Internet” (i.e. Net Neutrality).  And now Ted Cruz has derided Net Neutrality as “Obamacare for the Internet.”

Al Franken has taken the time to spell out a few simple facts for Ted Cruz.  Whether or not Ted Cruz will actually comprehend this information, who knows?

Here is an excerpt from Al Franken's CNN interview with Candy Crowley:

CROWLEY: [Cruz wrote] “Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet. It would put the government in charge of determining Internet prices, terms of service and what types of products and services can be delivered, leading to fewer choices, fewer opportunities and higher prices. Government-regulated utilities invariably destroy innovation and freedom.” Your reaction?

FRANKEN: He has it completely wrong. He just doesn’t understand what this issue is. We’ve had net neutrality the entire history of the Internet, so when he says this is the Obamacare… Obamacare was a government program that fixed something, that changed things. This is about reclassifying something, so it stays the same. This would keep things exactly the same. And the pricing happens by the value of something.

Makes sense to me, but then I'm not a Republican.

Senate Might Investigate ALEC

It’s about time.  Senator Dick Durbin will be heading a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on ALEC (American Legislative Exchange Council).  ALEC’s corporate membership is trying frantically to stay hidden under its rock and out of the public eye.  Jillions of ALEC-sponsored rightwing laws have been popping up simultaneously in all of the red and swing states, and the lowly public doesn’t need to know which corporations and wealthy individuals have been pulling the strings.

The linked article talks mostly about Shoot First laws — aka Stand Your Ground — which have been springing up like weeds in state after state.  But the ALEC cesspool runs so much deeper.

Who wrote the “Ag Gag” laws that have been passed in some of the farm states?  You know, where it’s perfectly legal for factory farms to keep their animals paralyzed in tiny cages and feed them nothing except excrement and antibiotics, but if you report or photograph these abuses, you go to prison.  ALEC, that’s who.

How about that ongoing Block The Vote campaign in so many swing states?  No more early voting, extended voting hours or same day registration.  And for God’s sake, get rid of those commie Voter Registration drives!  Yup,  ALEC.

And the fossil fuel industry’s boundless determination to sabotage renewable energy sources?  Three guesses.

One sign that Dick Durbin is on the right track:  Ted Cruz — i.e. the 24 Billion Dollar Man — is shedding crocodile tears about this hearing being “an inappropriate governmental intrusion into the personal and political views of American citizens and businesses.”

Dick Durbin:  Dig.  Dig Deeper.  Still Deeper.  Drain that cesspool.

Ted Cruz: High Ranking Member of Dominionist Church

If you’re not familiar with Dominionism, check out the facts here.

And if that’s not scary enough, Ted Cruz is very highly placed within the Dominionist movement.  Please read and bookmark this article.  You NEED to know about this and tell everyone you know.  (Hat Tip to Snave, who sent me this link.)

Liberals, moderate Republicans and Independents already hate Ted Cruz.  But Cruz has captivated millions of conservatives with his constant soundbites about “limited government” and what “the American people” want.  For the millions of Libertarians and non-Evangelicals who actually believe in “Individualism” and “limited government” — Ted Cruz is the ENEMY.

Ted Cruz’ father, Rafael Cruz, is a high-ranking mucky muck in the Dominionist Church.  During a sermon last year, Rafael Cruz announced that his son Ted had been anointed as one of the “Kings” who would take part in the Dominionist agenda known as the “Seven Mountains.”  The “Seven Mountains” refers to the Dominionists’ plan to “‘bring the spoils of war to the priests,’ thus helping to bring about a prophesied ‘great transfer of wealth’  from the ‘wicked’ to righteous gentile believers.”  (From the linked article.)

This may sound like a fairy tale, but there are some incredibly wealthy and powerful people behind this movement.  No wonder Ted Cruz is so adamant about not allowing his anonymous political donors to be revealed.

The mainstream “media” probably won’t bother telling us about Ted Cruz’ involvement with the Dominionist movement.  But if this information gets reported on enough blogs and alternative news sites, hopefully these facts will get out.

Democrats are Threatening to Shut Down the Government!!!

Move over George Orwell.  The term “Orwellian” has just risen — or sunk — to a new level.  Senator Ted Cruz (R—HMO prostitute) and Congressman Louie Gohmert (R—Inbred) are trying to portray the GOP hostage-taking terrorists as the “rescuers,” the calm voice of restraint.

Ted Cruz is actually pretending he’s the one who’s “willing to compromise.”  Through a mouthful of HMO jism, Cruz mumbled:

“If Harry Reid forces a government shutdown, that will be a mistake. I hope he backs away from that ledge that he’s pushing us towards.”

Gohmert twanged:  “The fact is, we've compromised; they have not.  It's time to hold them accountable and not let them get away with shutting down the government and blaming other people when they are simply not doing their work.”

I don’t know which is more infuriating — the fact that these corporate prostitutes have the nerve to spew out such blatant “up is down, backward is forward” bullshit; or the fact that some people will be dumb enough to fall for it.

Here’s my compromise:  Originally I wanted to have Ted Cruz kidnapped, crucified and then set on fire just before he’s totally bled out.  But now I’ll be satisfied if somebody just breaks his legs and punches him in the throat.

This here “compromising” is kind of fun…

America’s Hottest New Couple: Ted Cruz and Jesse Helms

Ted Cruz, the Senate’s fast-rising teabagger, has been gushing over his longtime idol, Jesse Helms (R—Dead).  Starry-eyed Ted was swooning to an audience from the Heritage Foundation:

“The willingness to say all those crazy things is a rare, rare characteristic.  And you know what? It’s every bit as true now as it was then. We need a hundred more like Jesse Helms in the U.S. Senate.  I know if Jesse Helms were still with us, he would not shy away from this stuff, ‘cause they were all beating up on him, they were coming after him hard, and I thought it wasn’t right.”

In a heartwarming Horatio Alger moment, Ted Cruz told the audience about his first political donation:  He contributed $10 to Jesse Helms.  It took him twenty weeks to save up that $10 out of his allowance.

Ted Cruz needs to remember something else about his swashbuckling hero:  On the day Jesse Helms died, the entire country celebrated with fireworks.