Oklahoma: “We Don’t Want None of Them There Christians In These Parts”

Two examples of Not Smart:

1. Giving your 3-year-old child a pack of matches and saying “here, go play in the hayloft.”

2. Giving a bunch of braindead illiterate legislators some writin’ utensils and saying “here, pass us a law crackin’ down on them thar homasexials.”

Nice try, Inbreds.

The Oklahoma state senate passed a law allowing Oklahoma to sleaze their way out of the federal hate crimes bill passed by Congress last year. The state law was supposed to allow local law enforcement to ignore the part of the federal statute that defines attacks on gays as a hate crime.

BUT — and this is what happens when you ask a kindergartner to solve an advanced trigonometry problem — the Oklahoma senate cited the wrong clause in the federal statute. Wrong Way Corrigan!

Instead, the legislators exempted Oklahoma from the federal clause that defines an attack based on “religion, race or ethnicity” as a hate crime. Doh! Thanks to Oklahoma’s Keystone lawmakers, you can now assault somebody based on his/her religion or race and NOT be charged with a hate crime. But gays ARE still protected by the federal hate crimes statute.

Oklahoma’s legislators — after they’ve wiped all that egg off their faces — will undoubtedly fix their “mistake.” (Then again, you know what Freud said about “mistakes.”) But in the meantime — “Hey, let’s beat the shit out of that White Christian over there. The cops can’t do anything about it.”

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Uh oh: Get ready for ……[cue the Jaws theme music]……Son of Potatoe Head. Or would that be Potatoeheadson?

Ben Quayle (yes, Dan’s son) is running for Congress. He’s running for the seat being vacated by Rep. John Shadegg (R-Arizona).

Ben Quayle’s platform is to reduce taxes and increase border security. Sounds a little contradictory to me, unless the Tooth Fairy is going to build us a nice big border fence, free of charge.

Cheney: “We Need To Get Out of Iraq NOW!”

OK, he didn’t actually say that. But with Cheney’s near-perfect record of wrong predictions, this seems like the clearest choice. We've all heard jokes about people listening to the weather forecast and then dressing for the exact opposite. “Mostly sunny today” equals “break out the raincoat and umbrella.”

It’s the same with Dick “Wrong Way Corrigan” Cheney. The person who brought us “our soldiers will be greeted as liberators” and “the insurgency is on its last legs” has struck again.

“If our coalition withdrew before Iraqis could defend themselves…the violence would likely spread throughout the country and be very difficult to contain. Having tasted victory in Iraq, the militants would look for new missions.” Well there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. Hurry up and get our troops out of that hellhole and bring them home. Now.