America: Threatened By a Book

Decent Godfearing Americans will agree that there are two serious threats to our Christian Nation: 1) Queers; and 2) Pagans who worship animals. And now, oh Mother of God, both of these evils have been combined into one book.

“And Tango Makes Three” is the story of two godless homosexual penguins who are raising a baby penguin. Lord Have Mercy! Jesus is turning in his grave!

To make matters even worse, our comminist library system has this infernal book on its shelves, where our children can see it. And that’s not all — The American Library Association has proclaimed this book as one of the year’s best children’s books. Oh God, we need Your guidance. What Would Jerry Falwell Do?

Fortunately some upright citizens have complained about this blasphemous book. But we need more voices of decency; we need more momentum. We need YOUR support to help keep America free.

If the strict no-tolerance enforcement of God’s Law is the most important thing to you, please contact Hysterical Christians For Decency and show them your support. With your help we can keep these wicked books out of our libraries and away from our children. Amen!

“Cut and Run” Gonzales: The Quitter

I usually try not to post on the same subject everyone else is posting about, but this is just too good. It resigned! The Bitch is dead! Electrodes Torquemada Abu Gonzales is no longer Attorney General of the United States. Yiiiipppeeeee!!! Yaaayy!!!

Yes it’s true that Gonzales is only a symptom of the simpleminded powercrazed would-be dictator who appointed him. And God only knows who George Johnny Walker Bush will choose to replace him.

In late 2004, America heaved a massive sigh of relief when John Ashcroft resigned. The worst attorney general in American history was stepping down. We were finally rid of the imbecile who thought the Salem Witch Trials didn’t go far enough. Whoever replaces him can't possibly be as bad, right???

Well, here we are again. We've finally gotten rid of the worst attorney general in our history; he makes Ashcroft look like a liberal. After nearly seven years, we've learned that whenever you think the Bourbon King couldn’t possibly sink any lower, he does. Much much lower.

Who will replace Torquemada? (Rumors are swirling.) Will it be somebody so Godawful that we’ll be yearning for those good old days when that nice compassionate Alberto Gonzales was in charge?

Fortunately we have a Democratic Senate now, whatever that’s worth. If only we could arrange to have fifty spine transplants before the next confirmation hearing. And on that note:

This is your chance to tell the Senate NOT to approve another Bush clone for the attorney general’s office. We need an attorney general who respects the Constitution and the Geneva Convention.

Our Democratic Congress hasn’t done much. The very least they can do is make sure that no future Torquemadas are allowed into the Justice Department.

The Case For Torture

The prisoner spent 97 days confined in the same American military prison that once held Saddam Hussein. He was bombarded with ear-splitting “head-banging” music day in and day out, and his interrogators kept shouting the same questions to him over and over. He and his assistant were also subject to physical treatment “reserved for terrorists and so-called enemy combatants.”

Sometimes these extreme methods are necessary. Sometimes you’ve just gotta do what you gotta do. Decent righteous Americans should constantly be asking themselves: “What Would Jack Bauer Do.”

The above-mentioned prisoners didn’t fly an airliner into the World Trade Center, but it’s almost as bad. They squealed on some of the sleazy merchants making illegal arms sales in Iraq. What kind of latte-sipping treehugger would do a thing like that?? Without massive corruption, sleazoid contractors and illegal arms sales, Iraqmire wouldn’t be what it is today. What the hell are these troublemakers complaining about?

Donald Vance and Nathan Ertel went to the FBI to report illegal sales of guns, land mines and rocket launchers — no receipts necessary. These weapons were sold to State Department employees, Iraqi government workers, Iraqi insurgents — whoever; it didn’t matter. The seller was Donald Vance’s employer, Shield Group Security Co. Vance said “It was a Wal-Mart for guns. It was all illegal and everyone knew it.”

Vance didn’t think he could trust anyone in Iraq so he went to an FBI agent in Chicago and supplied him with photos and documentation. And look at what he got for his trouble.

William Weaver, senior advisor to the National Security Whistleblowers Coalition, said: “Reconstruction is so rife with corruption. Sometimes people ask me, ‘Should I do this?’ And my answer is no. If they’re married, they’ll lose their family. They will lose their jobs. They will lose everything…If you do it, you will be destroyed.”

Beth Daley of the Project on Government Oversight, said: “The only way we can find out what is going on is for someone to come forward and let us know. But when they do, the weight of the government comes down on them. The message is, ’Don’t blow the whistle or we’ll make your life hell.’ It’s heartbreaking. There is an even greater need for whistleblowers now. But they are made into public martyrs. It’s a disgrace. Their lives get ruined.”

So there you have it. There's a lot of slippery illegal activity going on in Iraq, paid for with your tax dollars. But you'll keep your F#!$&#!## mouth shut if you know what's good for you.

Wal-Mart Jeopardized by Whiny Consumers

All right all of you self-centered consumers, that’s enough whining about your families’ health and safety. If you continue with this childish ranting, you'll put Wal-Mart in a very awkward position with their Chinese suppliers.

Yes it’s unfortunate when a family pet dies from poisoned food or your child gets sick from toys that contain lead. But you need to put your narrow self-interest aside and look at the larger picture. Wal-Mart executives are some of the wealthiest people in the country, and it’s very important that we maintain this situation.

If you don’t make trouble by complaining about the Godawful quality of Chinese products, some of Wal-Mart’s incredible wealth will trickle down onto peons like you. So shut the fuck up and keep on buying that deadly pet food and those dangerous toys from Mao-Mart.

Erin Burnett of CNBC said it best: “Ya know, if China were to revalue its currency or China is to start making say, toys that don’t have lead in them or food that isn’t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now.”

Got that, whiners? Stop being so self-pitying and narrow minded. Chinese manufacturers and Wal-Mart executives have their needs too.

America: a Nation of Prisoners

You probably already know that the United States has the world’s largest prison population. But even more staggering: Twenty-five percent of the world’s prisoners are in American jails. WTF?!?!?!

We have five percent of the world’s population, and twenty-five percent of the world’s prisoners! Something has gone terribly wrong here.

The author of this article says: “How can you tell when a democracy is dead? When concentration camps spring up and everyone shivers in fear? Or is it when concentration camps spring up and no one shivers in fear because everyone knows they're not for ‘people like us’ but for the others, the troublemakers…”

About 2.2 million Americans are behind bars and another 5 million are on parole or probation. And yes there are huge racial inequalities. Among Black males between 25 and 29, one out of every eight is behind bars. Who won the Civil War again?

Non-violent drug offenders make up one third of our prison population. Non-violent perpetrators of other victimless “crimes” make up another large segment of America’s prisons.

This article describes our prison system as a “G.I. Bill in reverse.” “Just as the original GI Bill laid the basis for a major social advance by making college available to millions of veterans, mass incarceration is laying the basis for an enormous social regression by stigmatizing and brutalizing millions of young people and ‘de-skilling’ them by removing them from the workforce. America will be feeling the effects for generations.”

Actually, these prisoners aren't being “de-skilled” in prison. When they come out they’ll know how to pick a lock, hotwire a car, how to make a shiv out of almost anything…

If this situation had happened overnight, there’d be mass anger and fury. There would be riots unlike anything ever seen in this country. Millions of people would take to the streets, demanding their country back. But since we've gradually oozed into this situation over the past few decades, we barely notice.

But something terrible has happened to this country. Is this what our Founding Fathers had in mind?

Iraqmire is Making Us Safer At Home

This story was in our local newspaper yesterday. If it’s happening here, it’s probably happening all over the country.

Local police departments are dealing with a shortage of ammunition. Our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are using more than one billion bullets a year. This means there aren't enough bullets for our local police officers, and crime has been rising.

If the police have finally cornered a predator who's been preying on YOUR neighborhood, they might or might not have enough ammunition, or the right training, to subdue this person.

Mike Powell, Police Chief of Forks, WA said “We have been waiting for months for handgun ammunition. We were told it was due to the war and that the military service personnel get a higher priority than the law enforcement here in the states.”

Not only is there a massive shortage of ammunition; shipments keep getting delayed. Orders that would usually take two weeks are taking several months or even a year. And on top of that, ammunition prices have doubled since last year.

Police forces use most of their ammunition for training purposes. Sacrificing some of this training will have deadly consequences for police officers in the line of duty. Readiness, accuracy and quick decision-making are all dependent on constant training.

Clallam County Undersheriff Ron Peregrine said “They are used in training that we require with our rifles that we require our officers to qualify with once a year. When you are using something that can have deadly force, you want training and you want ammunition to do that with…We have to literally hunt for anything we can use for training."

A spokesman for the Seattle Police Department said “The better-trained officer is the one that is less likely to use force."

To paraphrase Bush’s favorite soundbite: Since we’re fighting them over there, we CAN'T fight them over here.

Do you feel safer yet?

Give YOUR Employee — George W. Bush — His Performance Appraisal

With all the powercrazed steamrolling behavior of our megalomaniac “leaders,” it’s hard to remember that THEY work for US. We The People elected them to their positions (supposedly) and their bloated salaries come from our tax dollars.

So, how do you think George W. Bush is doing? Click here and give YOUR employee his Performance Appraisal.

The text in this e-mail is specifically about labor issues — how Bush has helped (or not helped) working people — since Labor Day is approaching. But you can add your own text to the message, so let him have it with both barrels (figuratively speaking!).

WARNING: Your message will actually go to the White House. When I sent mine I got an instant boilerplate response, something like “the president doesn’t have time to personally read each e-mail, but thank you for contacting the White House.” So don’t make your message too profane or threatening, lest you find yourself in a secret prison in Uzbekistan.

Lawsuit Over Coal Mining Fatalities

In January 2006, twelve coal miners were killed by a methane explosion in West Virginia. Seventeen days later, two more miners died in a conveyor belt fire at another West Virginia coal mine.

And now a lawsuit has been filed. Well, a lawsuit can be a necessary evil. Mining executives have a tremendous amount of political clout compared to their employees. Sometimes a court of law is the only place where these David and Goliath situations can be resolved fairly.

Hopefully when the court — wait, what the…oh. [sigh]... It seems the owner of these two coal mines is the one filing the lawsuit. He's suing the West Virginia Democratic Party and party chairman Nick Casey because they ran a TV ad that “defamed” his pristine character. WTF??? Talk about Goliath hitting David with a slingshot.

Don Blankenship, CEO of Massey Energy Co., spent $3.6 million targeting Democratic candidates in 2006. The Democratic Party ran an ad titled “Not For Sale” and this ad supposedly portrayed Blankenship as being not terribly broken up over the deaths that occurred in his mines.

And now the poor offended mining CEO is suing for compensatory damages, punitive damages and a public apology.

Republicans are always saying we have too many lawsuits; too much litigation. Undoubtedly they're just furious about this frivolous lawsuit taking up the court’s valuable time. Right???

Harlem Would Be a Nice Place If It Weren’t For Those…

We've all heard about these self-absorbed assholes who move next door to a school and then complain about all those screaming kids. Or they move from the city out to the country and then complain about farm smells, wild animals invading their yards, etc.

Here's the newest variation: millionaires buying luxury condominiums in Harlem and then complaining because — well, because they're in Harlem. Hellooo!!!!

Did these spoiled trustfunders think they were moving into another sterile suburb that’s just begging for more Yuppies to move in??? Harlem has been the center of America’s Black culture since the early 1900s. It’s nice that the neighborhood is upgrading, but things are going too far when millionaires move in, start calling all the shots and generally steamroll their way over local traditions and residents.

The biggest controversy concerns the longtime ritual of African drumming that’s been taking place in a local park every Saturday for decades. Now that a luxury condo has gone up next to the park, some of the new residents are complaining about the noise.

“African drumming is wonderful for the first four hours, but after that, it’s pure, unadulterated noise. We couldn’t see straight anymore. It was like a huge boom box in the living room, the bedroom, the kitchen. You had no way to escape except to leave the apartment,” said new resident Beth Ross. So what are you waiting for Bitch? Leave already!!

James David Manning, a local pastor, said “They call this the new Harlem Renaissance — bringing in people who are able to pay for these properties, who push out people who can't, like schoolteachers and municipal workers. The community has been taken over by big business and banks, and deep-pocketed entrepreneurs. If we lose Harlem, we lose the flagship of African-American people worldwide.”

Is this just another variation on the theme of rich newcomers trampling on the rest of the community, or is this a kinder gentler version of ethnic cleansing?

Is There a Factory Farm Near You?

You probably know about factory farms: those “farms” where hundreds or even thousands of animals are jammed into cages where they don’t even have room to move. Without going into too many gory details — how the animals are literally wallowing in their own shit and are fed mostly chemicals and diseased meat — here are a few links worth checking out.

What you probably don’t know is how prevalent these factory farms are. Most people tend to think there aren't that many of them and/or that they're all located in some desolate God-forsaken region where nobody has any teeth and everybody has two first names.

This online map will show you differently. They're everywhere, and there are probably several of them near you. This site has some very informative links that are full of nauseating but necessary information. (Click where it says "Learn More").

The e-mail where I got this map also has a re-printed New York Times editorial (not available online unless you subscribe to the NYT). The editorial says in part:

“Once upon a time, only a decade or so, it wasn't hard to know where factory hog farms were because they were nearly all in North Carolina. But since those days, the practice of crowding together huge concentrations of animals in the interests of supposed efficiency has spread around the country. Wherever it appears, factory farming has two notable effects. It threatens the environment, because of huge concentrations of animal manure. And it threatens local political control. Residents who want a say over whether and where factory farms, whose stench can be overwhelming, can be built find their voices drowned out by the industry's cash and lobbying clout.”

The editorial concludes with: “It raises two of the fundamental questions facing American agriculture. Do we pursue the logic of industrialism to its limits in a biological landscape? And how badly will doing so harm the landscape, the people who live in it and the democracy with which they govern themselves?”

Iraq: If Only We Knew Now What We Knew Then

Well, it’s about time. Finally, here's a guide to Iraq, written for American military personnel. "A Short Guide To Iraq" contains basic words and phrases in Arabic, some local customs and it warns about cultural pitfalls for Americans to watch out for. “You aren’t going to Iraq to change the Iraqis. Just the opposite. We are fighting this war to preserve the principle of ‘live and let live.’”

The book is full of other common sense advice about trying to adapt and fit in when you're in a foreign country. Since we didn’t have this information five years ago when we were planning the Iraqi invasion — well, there's no sense wallowing in 20/20 hindsight. No harm, no foul. Oh, wait. This book was written in 1943! It was a guide for American servicemen stationed in Iraq during World War II. We already had this information!

We already knew! When Heartattackfuck was spewing out “we will be greeted as liberators,” this information was already 60 years old. “Democracy will flower in the Middle East” when we march in and topple their dictator?!?!?!? Did these Neocon masterminds have some sort of ulterior motive all along, or are they all dumber than a bag of hammers?

Here are some painful contrasts between our World War II leaders and the pitiful shitstains who hijacked our foreign policy five years ago: The author says, “the people who wrote the 1943 booklet—and by extension the government behind them—wanted two things: they wanted to win the war and they wanted to do it honorably. That is, they did not want to sacrifice or shortcut American values, and if we thought we were better than the Nazis, we had to prove it to our allies.”

How far we've plummeted. Our country has fallen and it can't get up.

Class Dunce Drops Out of Math and Science Competition

If you were always the last one to be picked when they were choosing up teams, you probably didn’t go out for varsity sports in school. And iff yu diddint spel wurds verry gud, you probably didn’t take part in the spelling bee.

Similarly, if you're a country who's squandered so many trillions of dollars on wars and invasions that your education system is a disaster — you don’t want to take part in an international science and math competition.

It isn't actually a competition. It’s an international study called TIMSS (Trends in Mathematics and Science Study) Advanced 2008. The purpose is to measure how American high school seniors are doing in algebra, geometry, calculus and physics compared to their counterparts in other countries.

But rightly or wrongly, nobody wants to be shown up and embarrassed by going too far out of their league. If you weigh 95 pounds and can't curl your car keys, you probably don’t want to enroll in a gym frequented by 300-pound power lifters. If you think two plus two equals seven, you're not ready for advanced calculus.

The last time the United States took part in a similar survey was 1995. We came out ahead of just two countries, Cyprus and South Africa. Hey, at least we weren’t at the bottom. As Southerners like to say, “Thank God for Mississippi.”

The Commissioner of the Department of Education’s National Center for Education Statistics is claiming that the decision to withdraw was based on finances and their “overextended staff.” About 4,000 American high school seniors would have taken part in this study, at a cost of between $3 million and $10 million.

Even if the cost is the real reason, an advocate for math and science education said: “It’s pennywise and pound foolish. It is crucial that we know what our most talented students can do and how we are serving them. I can’t think of anything more important than having data on how you are training your future mathematicians and scientists.”

Since Congress Has No Spine, YOU Have To Prop Them Up

Like most Americans, you’re probably disgusted, sick with fury — to the point of wanting to just shake and slap some sense into these useless buttwipes —at our invertebrate Congress for being, well, invertebrates. Jellyfish! These douchebags work for us! Are we paying them a 6-figure salary — out of OUR tax dollars — to collapse like a house of cards whenever George Johnny Walker Bush glares at them?? Fuck No!!!

We The People elected these Democrats to Congress last November with the understanding that they would get us out of Iraqmire and start draining the swamp — start cleaning up the most corrupt festering shitstained putrid administration in our country’s history.

But NOOO!!!!!

When the Bourbon King said “y’all can't go on vacation ‘til you bend over for me,” well, let’s just say that loud rumbling and crashing you heard was the sound of several hundred Congresspersons falling to the floor in some very, uh, obscene positions. There's nothing more pitiful than hearing your “representatives” pleading in unison “Do me, Mr. President!!”

Your tax dollars at work.

But the good news is, it’s NOT too late. We CAN still undo the damage caused by these cheap sleazy disease-carrying hookers who are pretending they work for us. They do!!!

And here is your chance to remind them. Click here to tell these spineless boneless ball-less pusbags to either: A) Stand up to the school bully, who can't fight his way out of a paper bag anyway; or B) tuck their tails between their legs and walk away from the highly paid highly skilled jobs that they're NOT qualified for.

We The People need to be Represented. NOW!!

Big Fat Rewards for the Incompetent

America’s bloated corporations are some of the world’s largest breeding grounds for incompetence. Take Bob Nardelli (please!).

He's the winner who drove Home Depot into the ground when he was their CEO. On his watch, Home Depot’s stock value plummeted. When he finally left the company (at the urging of Home Depot shareholders) he was rewarded with $210 million worth of cash, benefits and stock options.

Boy, what a catch! It was just a matter of time before some lucky corporation was gonna snap him up. And the prize goes to Chrysler. Nardelli will be their new chairman and CEO. What a match.

Look out world — Chrysler is back and it’s gunning for ya.

“Global Warming is a Myth” equals Flat Earth Society

Just try to imagine this wacky scenario: the Flat Earth Society is receiving mega-funding from some of the world’s most powerful industries. Think tanks and focus groups are coming up with ever more sophisticated propaganda methods for conveying the group’s message — The Earth Is Flat! — and slandering everyone who disagrees.

If this were the case, millions of gullible Americans would be saying “that Loony Left. Now they're trying to tell us the world is round. What are those treehuggers gonna come up with next?” “The world is round?? Looks flat to me. What a bunch of moonbats.”

Well, how different is this? A rightwing think tank — funded by ExxonMobil — has been offering $10,000 to scientists who are willing to write “reports” that deny or downplay global warming. As the author says, “the denial machine is running at full throttle—and continuing to shape both government policy and public opinion.”

According to 600 scientists from over 40 countries, there is a 90% certainty that the release of greenhouse gases — from the burning of fossil fuels — is causing longer droughts, more flooding and worse heat waves. This is widely recognized by vast majorities in Europe and Japan.

But in the United States, the Denial Machine’s propaganda tactics are working. Their methods are patterned after the tobacco industry’s tactics in the 1990s: Create doubt. Sow confusion. “We don’t know.” “The results are uncertain.” “Let’s not go overboard yet; we need more research.”

And here are the results: nearly two thirds of Americans think there's “a lot of scientific disagreement” on climate change. Only one third believes global warming is “mainly caused by things people do.” Do they still teach Critical Thinking in American high schools and colleges? Or any kind of thinking?

So far this year there have been eight bills introduced in Congress to reduce greenhouse gases. But the Democratic “leadership” hasn’t taken much action on them; and they aren't getting much pressure from the public either. Rush Holt, a New Jersey Congressman (also a physicist) said “every time the scientific case got stronger, the American public yawned and bought bigger cars.”

No Money to Fix America’s Bridges, Highways

The tragedy in Minnesota has sparked a chain reaction all over the country. Where I live, one bridge has been closed permanently and eleven other bridges are being “watched.” And this is exactly what's happening all across America.

The blunt truth is, our budget has been stretched to the breaking point (literally in this case) and we just don’t have the money to fix America’s crumbling infrastructure. And crumbling it is.

Is there any possible way we could come up with the money we need to prevent more bridges and highways from collapsing? Don’t mind me; I'm just headtripping here for a minute, just bouncing around a few totally unrelated thoughts.

Let’s see, we've spent hundreds of billions of dollars on the war on Iraq, and all we have to show for it is four thousand dead American soldiers and the hatred of most of our former allies. Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t seem very cost-effective.

We’re spending tens of billions of dollars every year to pay for The War on Drugs. How’s that working for us?

We've drained trillions of dollars out of the U.S. Treasury to pay for those tax cuts to the wealthiest one percent of the population.

So anyway, I've got all these random factoids bouncing around in my head but nothing seems to be clicking. Hmmm…[drums fingers]…Our entire infrastructure is collapsing and we don’t have any money to fix it…We’re spending trillions of dollars to invade other countries, regulate people’s “morals” and give huge taxpayer handouts to people who already have more money than God…

Well, damnit, I seem to be drawing a blank. Anybody have any ideas?

The Airline Industry: A Few Kings and Millions of Peons

That loud noise you’ve been hearing is the sound of millions of people yelling “DUUUHHH!!!” after reading this news item. After years of record-setting salaries and bonus packages for airline CEOs combined with massive pay cuts and layoffs of pilots and flight attendants, tensions are rising in the airline industry. NO!!!

The article calls it “a workforce on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

An MIT management professor said “Labor is deeply demoralized, having taken deep cuts in pay.” Now that the industry is starting to make more money, “the money is not flowing to the people who took the cuts when these carriers were in bankruptcy or near bankruptcy."

As you’ve probably guessed, that money is flowing to the CEOs, rewarding them for their massive failures and screwups. Northwest Airlines CEO Doug Steenland will be receiving a $26.6 million dollar bonus package this year. And what will Northwest pilots be getting in return for their millions of dollars worth of pay cuts and benefit reductions when the airline was “reorganizing”? Zip point shit.

United Airlines has reduced its workforce by 25%. Meanwhile their CEO, Glenn Tilton, “earned” $40 million last year.

If you think flying has been enjoyable lately, just wait. The fun hasn’t even started yet. Labor Lawyer Lowell Peterson says: “In any enterprise, especially one that is 24-7 high-stress like airlines, workers make accommodations to make things go smoothly … they are willing to go that extra mile. They’re not going to do it in the current climate.”

A lot of these labor contracts are coming up for renewal in two years. Food Fight! The article says: “If you think flight delays and cancellations are getting to you now, there’s a good chance contract talks will get ugly as workers finally get their voice at the bargaining table.”

Peterson said “People are overworked because of staff cuts, and they are fed up with getting lower pay and worse benefits while the executives get lush packages. When they come up for negotiations, the flying public should buy a lot of Greyhound Bus tickets.”

Sure makes you want to fly somewhere, doesn’t it?