Texas Needs YOUR Help

This is probably the saddest story you’ll ever read. After you’re through reading about it, I just know you’ll delve into your savings account and donate everything you possibly can. Give ‘til it hurts; and then give some more.

As you probably know, the Texas Board of Education has approved some changes to their history textbooks. Finally — Praise The Lord! — Texas’ future students will no longer be brainwashed by those leftwing revisionist anti-American history books that have caused generations of Americans to hate their own country.

No longer will Joseph McCarthy be portrayed as some sort of “bad guy” for smoking out Communist infiltrators. The Atlantic Triangle Trade won’t be referred to any more with such crude, ugly terms as “the slave trade.” And that God-hating Thomas “separation of church and state” Jefferson will NOT be glorified any longer. In fact, he’ll hardly be mentioned at all. Hallelujah!

BUT — and this is the heart-wrenching part — the State of Texas is facing an $11 billion budget shortfall. Yes, you know what this means. What you feared most has come to pass: Texas schools can’t even afford to buy their own brand new sanitized whitewashed history books.

Please Help.

Texas: Mission Accomplished

Operation Stupid has been accomplished. It’s a done deal. The final vote was today.

All Texans, please reset your clocks to the eighteenth century. And it’s not just Texas, unfortunately. This includes all future students who will be getting their “education” from Texas’ new whitewashed dumbed-down textbooks.

I kept thinking that at the last minute, people whose IQs were HIGHER than their shoe sizes would prevail over the one-toothed inbreds. No such luck. The “My Parents Are First Cousins” division of the Texas State Board of Education triumphed over their more intelligent counterparts.

Don’t forget now: the Salem Witch Trials were a GOOD thing. And Thomas Jefferson — BAD.

These textbooks will also be warning future students about the evils and dangers of that there United Nations. Them third world tinpot swarthy bastards are a threat to America’s soverin, uhh, sahvareign, er, indeependints…oh gol durn it all — our FREEDOM!!!

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy! The rest of the world is moving forward while the United States is going backwards and turning into an international basket case with more dunces and retards per square foot than any other country. These rightwing Biblehumping douchebags are afraid some international organization is gonna trample on America’s sovereignty, so they try to fight that by turning America INTO a pathetic basket case that’s going to NEED that international help and interference they’re so afraid of. DUUUHHH!!!

Connect the God Damn Dots!

If these backward intelligence-insulting textbooks don’t get thwarted, it’ll be just a matter of time before formerly third world countries will have magazine ads saying “You can help to educate these poor brainwashed American children or you can turn the page.”

NRA: “Guns?!?!? Eww! Those Things Are Dangerous!”

Gee, what happened to “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.” “A well armed society is a polite society.” “You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold dead child.” Er, I mean “hands.”

At a nationwide NRA convention over the weekend, No Guns Were Allowed. Ooookay!

This no-guns rule came from the Charlotte Convention Center where the convention was held; not from the NRA itself. But the NRA chose that location for their convention. You’d think they might choose a place that doesn’t walk all over their main belief — their whole reason for existence.

Oh well. Maybe a few of them toted along their “I came unarmed. This time” signs.

And now, our new vocabulary word for the day. Slavery was such a harsh word; such an archaic outdated term. From now on it will be politely referred to as the Atlantic Triangular Trade.

Got that? This is just one of many new interesting facts our future students will be learning from their Texas history textbooks.

And speaking of Texas: Here’s a state with an $11 billion budget shortfall, and millions of residents who just hate government bureaucrats who waste their tax dollars. Their swashbuckling hero, Governor Rick Perry, hates big government and wasteful bureaucrats so much, he wants to secede from this socialist cesspool and establish his own Republic of Texas.

And now they find out this bastion of rugged individualism and self-reliance has spent $600,000 — taxpayer dollars! — on his own personal residence near the capital. Taxpayers have been spending $10,000 a month to pay the rent on Governor Perry’s 5-bedroom 3-dining room mansion. While he’s basking in this taxpayer largesse, Perry is asking all state agencies to cut their own budgets by five percent; and a lot of state employees are facing reduced hours.

Ah yes, We The People.

Now is it just me, or is Las Vegas a little unclear on the concept? Las Vegas is undergoing a huge homebuilding spree. There’s either a resurgence in the housing market, or they’re just pretending there’s one.

In any case, thousands of new homes are being frantically built. This is all fine and good, except for odd little detail: As a result of the housing meltdown, Las Vegas already has ten thousand brand new houses that were never sold. They’re sitting empty. And there are another five thousand almost-new houses that were foreclosed after just a few months. They too are just sitting there empty, waiting to be used for — well, something.

And meanwhile developers are digging and paving and building as fast as they can to keep up with this new housing boom — if there even is one — while fifteen thousand already-built houses are sitting there unoccupied; unused.

What’s wrong with this picture?