Sour Grapes Legislation

Several months before the 2010 mid-term elections, when it was already obvious the Democrats would get a shellacking, Sobbin’ Hood announced that he didn’t want Congress to pass any “sour grapes legislation” during their lame duck session.

Tough shit, Weepy.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell got repealed.

The New START agreement finally got ratified by the Senate.

Congress has finally passed the aid package for 9/11 First Responders (yes, it was a watered-down version).

We’ve got a new expanded food safety bill.

Unemployment benefits have finally been extended (yes, coupled with billionaires’ tax cuts).

And after at least five years of wrangling, we’ve actually got a net neutrality law, watered down as it is. (I know, that was the FCC and not Congress, but still…)

These are some proud achievements from a group of Democrats who’ve spent the past year and a half getting bullied, stymied and shat on by Republicans.

The next two years will be full of gridlock and mutual hatred like we’ve never seen. But for now — You Go 111th Congress.

Congressman Peter King: “I’m Willing to be Called a Cocksuckin’ Retarded Inbred”

OOPS, I must have mis-read that quote. The word was “Bigot.” My bad.

Rep. Peter King (R—Dildo) continues to defend his ongoing bigotry and hatred toward Muslims. He said:

“I hate those fuckin’ ragheads! Every last one of them!” OK, that wasn’t his exact wording. But you know that’s what he was thinking. In your heart you know he’s a KKK wannabe.

There’s one tiny silver lining to Peter King’s existence: He’s a constant reminder that racial prejudice isn’t confined to the south or any other specific region. His New York congressional district must have more rednecks than all the southern states put together.

In other news: Mitch McConnell takes one on the chin (all forty-seven of them). John Kerry lashed out at Senate Republicans in general — McConnell in particular — for their ongoing delay of the New START agreement.

The main rightwing talking points against New START are: “this treaty is being rushed,” and “why are we doing this NOW???”

First of all, the Senate has already spent more time debating New START than they spent on the first START treaty, START II and the Moscow Treaty. Secondly, the reason the Senate is taking up the New START agreement “NOW?!?!?!?!” is because Senate Republicans have spent the last few months stalling and delaying the New START treaty.

There's a certain cause and effect sequence there. (Republicans, don't worry; don't strain yourselves trying to put two and two together.)

We can all look back to sometime in high school or junior high, when we kept putting off a term paper until the night before it was due. And then we were up all night, moaning and groaning about “ooohhh, why do I have to do this NOW?”

Did these Republican senators ever graduate from high school?

Please Help Jon Kyl Go Home for Christmas

The War on Christmas is getting more brutal than ever this season. This time it isn’t just pagan cashiers saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Those devious liberals are finding more and more subtle, insidious ways to piss on Jesus.

As you’ve probably been reading, Senate Republicans are doing their usual stalling tactics against the New START agreement, the omnibus appropriations bill to keep the government running; you name it. Time is running out. And now Harry Reid — did somebody give him a spine for Christmas? — has announced that the Senate will work through the Holidays, if that’s what it takes to get their work done.

And this threat, this sacrilege — the Persecution of Christians! — is not sitting well with Senator Jon Kyl:

“It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out without doing — frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff.”

Of course, if the Senate would just VOTE on these bills — instead of filibustering and delaying and putting holds on everything — they’d probably finish their work in time to go home tomorrow. But try explaining that to a Republican.

Meanwhile, Jon Kyl might not get to go home and open Christmas presents with his family. To borrow a phrase from one of his biggest idols — Jon Kyl would like his life back.

Jon Kyl: “I’d Burn the American Flag Just to Humiliate Obama”

Senator Jon Kyl (R—Treason) would rather jeopardize national and global security than vote to ratify a nuclear arms treaty that Obama is pushing for. According to one analysis, Iran and North Korea are the only two countries in the world that would NOT benefit from the New START agreement. Maybe Jon Kyl should buy a one-way ticket to one of those countries.

If the United States wants to put international pressure on Iran, we need Russia’s cooperation. Only a rightwing Republican could simultaneously: A) be scared shitless of Iran, and B) aid and abet Iran by rejecting the New START agreement.

In addition to Obama, this agreement is backed by James A. Baker, Colin Powell, William Perry, Madeleine Albright, Bill Cohen and Henry Kissinger, among others.

It’s also backed by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates lashed out at the retarded inbred Neanderthals (not his exact wording) who are blocking the treaty. Cooperation from Russia on international issues, funding for modernizing America’s nuclear weapons, the ability to inspect Russia’s nuclear programs — all up in smoke if this treaty isn’t ratified.

But that’s OK. Republicans will just say it was Obama’s fault, and millions of gullible voters will believe them.

Earth to Republicans: The Cold War is Over. We Won.

Republicans just have to recite their detailed in-depth philosophy — i.e., “No” — at every opportunity. Obama and Hillary Clinton are both pushing for the Senate to ratify the New START agreement between Russia and the U.S. This will require both countries to reduce their strategic warheads, and it will revive the inspections that used to be conducted under an earlier treaty.

But if you're a paranoid cold warrior, we only have enough nuclear weapons to annihilate every living thing hundreds of times over. We cannot ever reduce our stockpile — our security blanket! — or those evil Russians will attack us. Be very afraid!

Fear, and the burning desire to obstruct anything and everything — those are Republicans' two favorite drugs. And this time, they get to obstruct Obama AND Hillary at the same time. A peak experience! For anyone who’s within earshot of Capitol Hill, that bizarre sound you hear is a chamber full of Republicans having orgasms while shouting “NOOO!!!”

Or, maybe there’s another reason the GOP doesn’t want a treaty with Russia. Senator John Barrasso (R—Senile) has a dire warning for all of us:

“We can never EVER trust the Soviet Union. Nikita Khrushchev says he will bury us! The Soviet Union is evil! The Red Menace! President Eisenhower must NEVER back down! Better Dead than Red!”