They're All Ganging Up on the Worst President Ever

The word is spreading. George W. Bush is the worst fuckup in American history. Period. Jimmy Carter got lots of publicity the other day for calling the Bush Administration “the worst in history.” He said “I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history. The overt reversal of America’s basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including those of George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me.”

He also condemned Bush’s faith-based initiatives. “The policy from the White House has been to allocate funds to religious institutions, even those that channel those funds exclusively to their own particular group of believers in a particular religion. As a traditional Baptist, I’ve always believed in separation of church and state and honored that premise when I was president, and so have all other presidents, I might say, except this one.”

Regarding Iraqmire, Carter said “We now have endorsed the concept of pre-emptive war where we go to war with another nation militarily, even though our own security is not directly threatened, if we want to change the regime there or if we fear that some time in the future our security might be endangered. But that’s been a radical departure from all previous administration policies.”

Some of our allies aren't quite as kind and gentle as Carter was. On the 4-year anniversary of Mission Accomplished Day, the Edmonton Sun slammed Bush’s ridiculous “Mission Accomplished” flightsuit stunt:

“Four years later, more than 3,000 U.S. soldiers are dead, and some 24,000 wounded. Bush administration claims that Iraq harboured weapons of mass destruction have been revealed as outright lies, swallowed unquestioningly by the media. The war costs U.S. taxpayers $200 million a day and $1 trillion so far. And terrorism, in Iraq and around the world, is fueled like never before by propaganda and the impression Americans are occupiers not liberators, bullies not saviours.”

In Argentina a newspaper editorial said:

“Bush is the only U.S. commander-in-chief to have initiated one war, only to have lost three. He never managed to catch bin Laden nor destroy al-Qaeda; he failed to defeat terrorism; he wasted the political capital awarded him by September 11th; and public opinion has come to detest him. The nation, once indulgent of his lies — lethal lies for over 3,000 of its own sons and daughters — no longer believes him. No U.S. President has ever harmed his country as much.”

And that’s not all. In Pakistan, the PakTribune said:

“Thanks to the murderous fools in the current US administration, civil life in Iraq, now at the 'point of no return,' is teetering at the edge of total anarchy. As an accompanying fallout, along with an estimated million dead Iraqis, a morally, financially and diplomatically bankrupt America, the inept charlatans have also successfully managed to thoroughly radicalize the whole region. From Sudan to Pakistan and beyond, the ranks of America haters now stand swollen like never before. The recruiters for suicide brigades now drool non-stop with glee at the long cues of raging applicants outside their murky caves.”

Ouch! And these are our allies (a category which has been steadily shrinking). God knows what the people who hate us must be thinking.

Jimmy Carter, when he was condemning Bush, also slammed Tony Blair for being one of Bush’s skankiest bitches. He said “And I think the almost undeviating support by Great Britain for the ill-advised policies of President Bush in Iraq have been a major tragedy for the world.”

Blair might have a chance to redeem his skanky reputation. There's a chance he’ll replace Wolfowitz at the World Bank. This could be a new beginning for him.

Yo, Tony: If George W. Bush approaches you again, tighten your sphincter muscles.

Jerry Falwell Speaks

Greetings everybody. Damn, I'm still not sure what happened the other day. I was sitting there in my office, doing some research on witchcraft and the homosexual agenda, and suddenly everything went blank. Ever since then I've been in this — I don’t know if it’s a “place” or what you'd call it. It’s just so, so, it’s not exactly physical, but it’s like — as soon as you think of a place, you're there. Think of an object and there it is. Instantly. Whew! This is gonna take some getting used to.

I figured out I must be “dead” — whatever that means — after I started seeing the Pope, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, Terri Schiavo, Matthew Shepherd, Janis Joplin, Karen Carpenter, Elvis…

I still can't get over how strange, how instantaneous everything is. Everything is so vast — infinite. Whatever dimension this is, it’s impossible to feel any sort of hatred or fear or frustration. And on that note, looking back on my 73 years: (Gasp!) was that small-minded mean-spirited shitstain really me?? How could I have been such a putrid little douchebag? So many good people died young — John Lennon, George Harrison, Dimebag Darrell, Rachel Corrie, Matthew Shepherd — and I just kept on living and living and blighting the world with my hatred.

Now, without trying to downplay what an evil pusbucket I was — I couldn’t have accomplished anything without millions of dumbfucks devoted followers. My wish was their command. I just can't describe what a rush it was when I’d snap my fingers and millions of drones disciples would snap to attention. The glory!! The power!!! Yesss!!!

And that was wrong. People, I appreciate your devotion and your blind obedience to my every spewing. But Goddamnit think for yourselves! What are you, a bunch of sheep? Put down your snakes and get out there and do something constructive. Get a life! There are plenty of manipulative charlatans out there besides me. Don’t listen to them!

That’s all I have to say. Oh, Terri Schiavo just appeared, and she wants to say something:

“Listen up, all you braindead Biblehumping shitheads. I spent fifteen years trying to get to this place, this state of being, and you dumbfucks kept me in a hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube. For fifteen years I was nothing but a vegetable — a blob! — and you dickheads made me stay there. Fuck you all!”

Environmental Sabotage and Terrorism

Several convicted members of the Earth Liberation Front will be sentenced soon. They’ve confessed to about twenty arsons all over the Western states. Their targets included lumber mill offices, meat packing plants, research facilities and an SUV dealership.

They're facing three to 16 years for arson and conspiracy. But prosecutors want to add a Terrorism “enhancement” to their sentences. WTF???

This terrorism enhancement might or might not add time to their jail sentences. Mostly it’ll guarantee that they get sent to a tougher prison where they're more likely to be raped and assaulted. Judge Ann Aiken is considering the prosecution’s request for terrorism charges.

Terrorism??? Who's the dickwad that came up with that bright idea? Purposely violating a law that you disagree with — to change the law or to make a point — has been an American tradition. And when you knowingly break a law you have to understand that if you get caught you'll take the penalty.

Nobody is saying these people aren't guilty. Whatever the penalties are for arson and conspiracy, that’s what they should get. Nothing more; nothing less. Nobody was killed or injured by any of their fires.

This is a generalization, but the people who consider the Earth Liberation Front to be terrorists are most likely conservatives; probably the same conservatives who are so gung ho about our Global War on Terror. So think about it. If you want to keep up the paranoia and urgency of our war against Islamic terrorists, the last thing you want to do is dilute and trivialize the concept of “terror.” If somebody who sets fire to an empty office is a terrorist, what do you call the person who flies an airliner into the World Trade Center?

Bush and Cheney: “High Crimes and Misdemeanors”

And who’s the leftwing flagburner who said that? Would you believe Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powell’s former chief of staff when he was Secretary of State. Last Thursday he said “The language in the Constitution about impeachment is nice and precise — it’s high crimes and misdemeanors. You compare Bill Clinton’s peccadilloes for which he was impeached to George Bush’s high crimes and misdemeanors or Dick Cheney’s high crimes and misdemeanors, and I think they pale in significance.”

Wilkerson wasn’t actually pushing for impeachment; he made that statement on a radio program in response to a question. Earlier in the program he had said “This administration doesn't know how to effect accountability, in my opinion.”

Wilkerson also said he thought the Founding Fathers intended for impeachment to be used more often. He said “I do believe that they would have thought had they been asked by you or whomever at the time of the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia 'Do you think this will be exercised?' they would have said 'Of course it will, every generation they’ll have to throw some bastard out.’ That’s a form of accountability too. It’s ultimate accountability.”

When he was asked about the high crimes of the Bush Administration, Wilkerson said the American public was duped into supporting the Iraqi war: “I think we went into this war for specious reasons. I think we went into this war not too much unlike the way we went into the Spanish American War with the Hearst press essentially goading the American people and the leadership into war. That was a different time in a different culture, in a different America. We’re in a very different place today and I think we essentially got goaded into the war through some of the same means.”

Bravo.

Good News: The Government Will Be Examining Our Health Care Crisis

Finally, there's some good news about our health care crisis. The publicity from Michael Moore’s next movie — Sicko, about the crisis in America’s health coverage — has gotten a response from the government.

Let’s give credit where it’s due. Sometimes the system works. Sometimes the American government listens and responds to a public outcry. Just when we thought America’s health care would always be at the mercy of the insurance and pharmaceutical industries, we get a heartwarming story like this.

Part of Moore’s movie deals with some 9/11 rescue workers who went to Cuba to get medical treatment that wasn’t available in the U.S. It seems that even some of the most cut-throat HMOs were moved by this revelation, and now finally we’re — uuhhh…hmmm…wait, this can't be right…WTF???

OOPS. No, the government isn't investigating the lack of health coverage. Nope. They're investigating the injured 9/11 workers themselves. These rescue workers had the nerve to travel to Cuba seeking medical treatment that wasn’t available here, and now they might be prosecuted for violating our Cuban embargo.

Talk about “sicko.” How low have we sunk?

The Pope: “Life is Sacred Until You're Born”

The Pope is touring Latin America. Right now he's in Brazil, lecturing on the sanctity of life. Well, certain stages of life anyway. In a country plagued by poverty and overpopulation, his top priority is making sure every fetus gets to be born.

Once they’ve been born, a lot of Brazilian children live their entire lives on the street. They make good scapegoats for the country’s problems, and thousands of these children have been tortured and murdered by death squads and corrupt police departments.

Aren’t these murders just as horrifying as abortion? To express his moral outrage at the torture and murder of these street children, the Pope said…let’s see, what did he say…hmmm…it's gotta be in here somewhere...uuhhh...this might take awhile...

Who Won the Iraqi-American War? Iran.

This article — by Gary Brecher — makes a lot of sense. Iran’s two worst enemies have been slugging it out for over four years now. What’s not for Iran to love?

Iran probably didn't plan any of this, but things couldn’t be working out any better for them if they had directed every detail. The ideal way to invade a country is by using a proxy instead of your own forces. Remember our own rightwing terrorists (oops, sorry, I mean “Freedom Fighters”) fighting in Nicaragua in the 1980s? We sure showed the Iranians how to do it.

Again, Iran probably didn’t plan or intend for us to invade Iraq. But like Gary Brecher says, “From the enormous advantage gained by Iran via our invasion of Iraq, you would think that Dick Cheney is a mole for the Ayatollah.”

Iran’s main rival has now been obliterated and the Shiites (the majority sect in Iran) have the upper hand in Iraq. And we've “provided Iran with a risk-free laboratory to spy on American forces in action.”

According to Brecher, Iraq is like a nuclear reactor that Iran can control by inserting and removing control rods. He says:

“They need to keep us there, because — makes me sick to say it but it's true — our troops are now the biggest, strongest control rod the Persians are using to set the temperature of this war. They want us there as long as possible, stoking the feuds and making sure nobody wins.”

Another benefit of a long bloody regional war is the money and supplies that come pouring into neighboring countries. Iran (and Syria) must have tons of money and supplies coming into their border provinces. As Brecher says, “Need any U.S.-issue supplies, weapons, toilet paper, or global positioning system units cheap? Just ask at any bazaar in Damascus or Tehran. Uncle Sam's guarantee of quality — fell off the back of a two-and-a-half ton truck.”

The Vietnam war — with all the money pouring into the region — helped transform Thailand from a feudal backwater into a bustling tourist magnet and major economic power. Looks like the Iraqi-American war will be providing the same benefit for Iran and Syria. We sure know how to sock it to our enemies.

Another Rightwing Neanderthal Website

We all know the cliché about grisly car accidents that are horrifying and gut-wrenching and yet you can't bring yourself to look away. That same human idiosyncrasy rears its head in other ways too. There are some twisted Neocon websites out there that are so repulsive, so sick, that you just have to keep on looking. You can't help it — you're gonna click on the next menu, the next link, whether you want to or not. You’ve just got to see what these blithering nutcases are gonna say next.

Take this website (please!). To paraphrase an old potato chip commercial, “betcha can't look away.”

Who ARE these sickfucks?!? Wanna sign an online petition to “stay the course?” This is the place. Don’t let those Surrender Monkeys cut and run.

This site also provides special help to an embarrassing problem that’s common in the wingnut community. “I want to rite a leter to the editur but I have truble with big wirds.” Clem, your prayers are answered! Click here and receive your online letter-writing kit. All the boilerplate talking points you'll ever need are just a click away. Just a little cutting and pasting and you’ve written a letter to the editor.

And nobody will suspect a thing when ten thousand copies of this exact same letter get sent to every newspaper in the country.

Republican White House Candidates: Synchronized Swimming

Which one of these “leaders” actually thinks he can handle a leadership position? Now is the time for these candidates to tell voters what they believe in, where they stand, what they’ll do. Instead we get a ballet troupe dancing delicately in unison, frantically trying not to step on any land mines (i.e. stray from their script or possibly offend somebody). Pathetic.

Ready, all together now: “The war in Iraq has been terribly mismanaged, but U.S. troops should not be withdrawn.” “Whew! Did we get it right?” They memorized their lines competently. Maybe they're qualified to be extras in a movie, but President of the United States??

There was a scene from Monty Python's “Life of Brian” where Brian/Jesus was talking to a crowd of his devotees. He called out to them “you are all individuals.” And they responded in unison: “Yes, we are all individuals.”

These candidates are in a tough position. If they stay loyal to President Failure, they’ll alienate 70 plus percent of the voters. If they try to distance themselves from the sinking ship, they’ll piss off that coalition of robber barons and Salem Witch-hunters who control the Republican Party.

What to do? Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. But they can't keep up this synchronized swimming charade forever.

Ownership Society: The Enron Model for America

This “Ownership Society” is just great, isn't it; at least if you're part of that one percent who owns everything. When it comes to privatization, more is better. And we’re just about to see a whole lot more.

How’s this for a match made in Heaven: The nation’s infrastructure is crumbling, as we all know. Sinking. And rich investors are always looking for foolproof new investments that will increase their scrotal grip on the rest of the country. Presto!

Let’s privatize our roads and transportation systems. If you liked Enron, you'll love driving on the Bechtel Turnpike and riding Halliburton Transit.

A few years ago, Bolivia discovered how much fun it is to have their water supply owned by a global corporation. Soon we’ll be enjoying the same privilege here in America.

As you're driving over the Exxon Bridge on your way to Du Pont International Airport, you can think of those halcyon days of the Gilded Age. And suddenly you'll realize: those glorious days are here again.

Republicans: The Dark Story Behind Their “Unity”

Since most Americans think we need to get out of Iraq ASAP, you'd think this would be a no-brainer for Congress. Regardless of political party, it seems like political suicide to vote for staying in Iraq and digging ourselves deeper and deeper into Iraqmire.

You’ve gotta admire the Republicans’ unity. Whenever the Most Unpopular President Ever says “Jump!” his little congressional automatons keep saying “how high sir?!”

Is it unity, or is it more like a bunch of Brownshirts marching in lockstep?

A Republican Congressman from Maryland, Wayne Gilchrest, voted in favor of troop withdrawal. Gilchrest is a former Marine and a Vietnam veteran. But that didn’t stop some of the prominent chickenhawks in his district from lashing out at him at town hall meetings, calling him a coward and a traitor.

Bob Inglis (R—S. Carolina) also voted for the withdrawal timetable. Local GOP officials threatened him with a primary challenge.

Maybe these furious reactions were just spontaneous outpourings by concerned citizens. Or maybe they were the well-organized movements of a desperate Inner Party, clinging to its failed agenda. I suspect the latter.

Where does “unity” end and extortion begin? This sounds less like political activism and more like a bunch of Mafia goons springing into action when Big Vinnie orders a hit.