Happiness is a Warm Gun

James Michener had a quote from The Drifters (1971): “If the last family of Brontosaurus was found wandering the Earth, some son of a bitch from Western Oklahoma would claim the right to shoot the male.”

And that brings us to the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming. It was home to the world’s largest bison — breaking an 82-year-old record. And how do we know how large this bison was? Because some retarded redneck shot it.

The conquering hero was E.D. “Dude Where's My Dick” Riekens, Jr. of Cheyenne, WY. He told reporters: “Uugghh! This was the best sex I’ve ever had. My gun was sooo hot! When I saw this guy, it was like I was looking at a dinosaur or a mammoth. This guy was just so different and massive and huge. There was no question about whether I would hold off. It just had to be done…I was getting closer and closer waiting for an opportunity. Finally, he gave me the perfect chance, and I didn’t hesitate for a second. He was dead before I let go of the trigger, which is a good thing.”

This particular bison had been well-known for years among the local population. They nicknamed him “Old Lonesome.” Thank God somebody finally killed him.

DEA: A New Low

You may already think the DEA is a gang of sleazy shitbags who couldn’t possibly sink any lower. Unfortunately, they just did.

The DEA has come up with a new tactic in their neverending war on those dangerous cancer patients who smoke marijuana to reduce the nausea from chemotherapy. They're targeting the landlords who own the properties where medical marijuana is dispensed.

A guilty landlord could have his/her property seized and/or face up to twenty years in prison. WTF??? Whatever happened to those “Property Rights” that conservatives are always blubbering about? For that matter, “States’ Rights” is another popular rightwing slogan. Here we have the federal government marching in and steamrolling over the states whose citizens have voted in favor of medical marijuana. And all we hear from the Far Right is thundering silence.

What do these DEA thugs see when they look in the mirror? And what do they tell their kids? “Daddy is a sadistic douchebag who persecutes sick people for a living. Aren't you proud, son? Maybe you can be just like me when you grow up.”

I’m guessing that most people, whatever their religious views, believe in some sort of Karma — “you reap what you sow,” “what goes around comes around,” whatever you want to call it.

Perhaps the legislators, prosecutors and DEA agents who keep persecuting medical marijuana patients are secretly scared shitless of reaping what they’ve sown. I know I would be.

It’s gotta be somewhere in the back of their minds when they go in for their medical checkups. Maybe they're shitting themselves with the crippling fear that the doctor will say “there's a spot on this X-ray. We’ll need to run some more tests.”

After all, what goes around comes around.

George W. Bush Wants To Tag Along

You know how it is: you want to go out and do some schmoozing and partying, and the school doofus wants to tag along with you. What to do?

Republican presidential candidates are in a quandary. Do they want to be seen with the Worst President Ever when they go on the campaign trail? Bush is an excellent fundraiser. After all, the only people who still like him are the ones who’ve reaped millions from Iraqmire and those tax cuts.

White House contenders would love to get some of that cash, but if that means being dragged down, is it worth it?

Even the candidates who are in favor of the War on Iraq are trying to be cautious. Romney, Giuliani, McCain and Fred Thompson all agree with Bush, but somehow his name never comes up when they're campaigning.

A political expert from the American Enterprise Institute said: “Let's face it, you've basically got a president who is radioactive. I'm sure he'll be active, as he said, on the campaign trail. But frankly he's not going to be very visible on it."

Hopefully some Democratic campaign strategists will get a clue here. Republican White House candidates need to be made synonymous — completely interchangeable — with Dumbya and Iraqmire. Bush’s Reign of Error has been an albatross, and we need to make sure the Republican candidates are wearing it around their necks.

Net Neutrality: Terrible Idea

Liberals and other feelgood types are in favor of a big smothering Nanny-State program known as “Net Neutrality.” This is the socialist theory that telecom companies shouldn’t be allowed to discriminate against certain websites or types of internet services. Sure, this government meddling seems like a nice idea, especially if you're one of those well-intentioned-but-fuzzy-headed idealists.

I’m not gonna try arguing against this feelgood utopian nonsense. Instead, please listen to this riveting speech about the dangers of “Net Neutrality.” After listening to this powerful speaker, you too will be convinced that “Net Neutrality” is Wrong For America!

If you'd like to capture these immortal words forever, part of the text is available here.

Betcha didn't know that the doddering senator from Alaska is also a rapper. Check this out.

When an “Eagle” becomes a Douchebag

This isn't exactly breaking news since it happened on September 15th. But I just found out about it and I have to rant. Somebody told me about this and I was sure he was either exaggerating or had misunderstood something.

Nope. It’s all here. (At the bottom of the page there’s a comment section; hope you'll leave one.) I already spend too much time online, surfing through blogs and “alternate” news sources. How the fuck did I miss this???

Carlos Arredondo is a 47-year-old father whose son Alex, a Marine, was killed in Iraq in 2004. Carlos was taking part in the September 15th anti-war demonstration in Washington DC. He had a memorial which he was pulling along in the parade: a casket with several large photos of Alex.

As the demonstrators marched past some members of the Cowering of the Terrified Gathering of Eagles, Carlos was attacked and stomped by five of these lowlife shitbags. Click here for photos.

Not much to say, is there? How do you express that feeling that's equal parts horror and fury? Sure you can say nasty things about these cowardly shitlicking pusbags, but what's the use? Any names you could possibly call them would be an understatement; it would be like saying International Falls, MN gets a little chilly in the winter.

This is one of the lowest things I've ever heard of. Here are the results of a Technorati search for Carlos Arredondo. A lot of bloggers have covered it; can't believe I didn’t see any of them.

And now, in the spirit of the Fairness Doctrine (RIP) — equal time for the cerebrally challenged knuckledragging community......…[searching]…...…well, so much for that. I couldn’t find a single site that either defended the five perverts or gave a different version of events. Anybody know of one?

Spelling Out the Obvious

This special issue of “DUUUHHH!!!” has TWO cover stories. First: Traffic is getting worse. Hold the phone! Who knew??? They had to do a study to find this out? Christ, all they had to do was get behind the wheel and try to go somewhere.

And the other earthshaking revelation is: Republicans might be losing support among Hispanic voters. [Gasp!] Say it isn't so! Nobody was more shocked by this possibility than Tom “Kill-All-The-Mud-Races” Tancredo (R-Wingnut).

Yes, illegal immigration is a serious issue with no simple solutions. Bring on the demagogues. The outcry against illegal immigrants is sort of like the fury against school busing in the 1960s and ‘70s (speeding up integration by busing students away from their own neighborhoods and into other school districts). A lot of the resentment was legitimate and not based on racism. But the George Wallaces of the day sure got lots of political mileage out of it. They could whip millions of rednecks into a frenzy just by going on and on about “that #!$#%$#$!! busing.”

Unlike today’s Republicans, George Wallace didn’t act puzzled when Blacks didn’t vote for him.

The most rightwing elements of the Republican Party are trying to get the same political mileage out of illegal immigration. They don’t need to spew out stereotypes and racial slurs. All they have to do is keep hammering away at “them” and “illegals” and “guarding our border,” and millions of voters go into a white-hot fury. Like with school busing, a lot of this fury is legitimate and not based on racism.

But the Republicans are purposely using this issue to fan the flames and court every single-digit-IQ sister-humping mouthbreathing xenophobe in the country. And then they wonder why they're losing Hispanic voters.

Speak Out Of Turn, Get Zapped

The Taser can be very useful in volatile situations. When police officers are trying to subdue a violent criminal, the Taser can be a safer alternative to a gun or a nightstick.

It also comes in handy when some loudmouth college student tries to disrupt a press conference. The sense of danger must have been terrifying when Andrew Meyer — who had been given a microphone — went beyond his allotted time and continued to ask questions.

Thank God for the fuckin’ douchebags brave officers of the University of Florida campus police. If they hadn’t tased him when they did, this terrorist might have started asking some embarrassing questions.

It’s been almost ten years since a group of police officers displayed such bravery and valor. But these Florida officers still haven’t matched the heroism and blind courage of the pathetic cowards police officers in Scotia, CA in 1997. A group of eco-protestors had brought a huge tree stump into the office of Rep. Frank Riggs; then they chained themselves to the tree stump and refused to leave. As punishment, local officers lifted the protestors’ eyelids and squirted pepper spray directly into their eyes from just a few inches away.

This is pretty neat. Sure, those limp-wristed liberals think that Tasers and pepper spray are for emergency use only; for defusing those volatile situations where a gun might be the only alternative. Oh come on. Sometimes officers just like to use these weapons because they can.

It’s like getting a Black Belt in Karate. You're only planning to use it in case of an emergency self-defense situation. But then somebody argues with you or makes a joke about your favorite team, and — POW! Yeah!!

Or maybe you carry a gun when you drive; again for emergencies only — armed assailants, carjackers. But then some #!$&%$#$#$ cuts in front of you on the freeway, and BLAM!!

Blackwater Evicted From Iraq

This is an urgent request for assistance from Blackwater:

Hi. We are a large group of stupid quick-tempered poorly-trained security guards. And we need a home. Will you take us in? Pleeease??? Check out some some of the pictures from our warm and fuzzy photo album: here, here and here.

If you let us move in with you, we’ll take care of all of your security needs. If anybody gives you a bad time — protestors or any other riffraff — we’ll fuck ‘em up! We shoot first and ask questions later.

Our boss is a born-again Christian who worships fetuses. But once you're born we get to shoot you. You got a problem with that?!?!?!

We just got evicted from our home in Iraq. Iraq!?!?!?!?!! Who’da thunk some war-torn disease-infested Third World country would be worried about some riffraff’s “civil rights” or whatever? Some robe-wearing falafel-guzzling sheik thinks he's too good for us??? Goddamnit we oughtta strap that son of a bitch down and stick a cattle prod up his —

[take a deep breath…count to ten…eeeasy...]

Uh, where was I? Ah, right, we’re looking for a home; somebody who’ll take us in. Will you be our friend? Come on, there can't be too many countries that have “standards” or whatever it was that got us kicked out of Iraq.

Oh well, if nobody else will have us, we’ll always have a home in the good ol’ USA. That’s the place where we get to do anything we want, whenever and wherever we want, and we’re never held accountable to anyone. Yes!!!!

Detroit Automakers’ Lawsuit Dismissed: States CAN regulate Emission Standards

A federal judge has dismissed a lawsuit filed by the Detroit automakers against Vermont and fourteen other states. Detroit was suing to prevent these states from setting auto emission standards that were tighter than federal standards. Now that their suit has been thrown out, these fifteen states are free to set their own emission standards as they see fit.

The ruling — by Judge William Sessions — is a victory for the environment and public health. It’s also a victory for States’ Rights, so conservatives are undoubtedly happy about this decision.

Detroit’s priorities seem kind of twisted to me. If I were in their shoes, I’d be spending less time in the courtroom and more time trying to design a vehicle that somebody somewhere might want to buy — but what do I know?

Vermont Governor Jim Douglas said: "We were up against a very strong adversary in the auto industry, but the law and the facts were clearly on our side. Most of Vermont's greenhouse gas emissions are from motor vehicles, so if we're going to reduce our carbon footprint, we need to set high but achievable standards for automobiles."

Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell said the ruling was "a major victory. They (automakers) will appeal, probably. But for folks who are concerned about global warming and environmental quality in this country and in the world, this was a good day."

And it was a good day for conservatives too. This ruling prevented two things that conservatives hate (or claim to anyway): excessive litigation, and states’ rights getting trampled by the federal government. So far I haven’t seen any conservative bloggers or columnists rejoicing about this court decision; maybe they just haven’t heard about it yet.

Airline Industry: “Problems? What Problems?”

Everything seems to be going along just fine for the airline industry these days. Apparently their daily operations are so smooth and trouble-free that their biggest problem was that famous incident last week: a scantily-clad passenger threatened to derail the wholesome family atmosphere of her flight with her skimpy outfit.

And now here's an article asking whether there should be a dress code for airline passengers. Yes, let’s drop everything and tackle this earthshaking problem RIGHT NOW.

But that just goes to show you how smoothly it’s all going for the airlines. Times must be awfully good if their biggest problem is somebody’s short skirt.

Are you sure there aren't a few other problems that the airlines should be dealing with? Hmmm…I can't seem to think of anything off hand, except, wasn’t there something about — well, I’ll think of it later.

Osama bin Laden: Chickenhawk

This news item is probably the umpteenth story we've all seen about bin Laden — or one of those other interchangeable Mullahwipes — urging all “true believers” to join The Cause and become martyrs. Uh, “martyr” in this case means, of course, suicide bomber.

And yet all of these Koran-humpers are still alive. They themselves aren't willing to die — or take any risks at all for that matter — for their cause. They're just looking for a bunch of down-on-their-luck low-income flunkies to die for “the cause.” (Oh, and don’t forget about those Seventy-two Virginians they’ll meet in that special Martyrs’ Heaven.)

Why aren't tens of millions of Moslems — whether they're militant or moderate, whatever their beliefs are — just furious, ready to kick the shit out of these Islamic chickenhawks? Nobody has an ounce of respect for someone who's ready and anxious to fight to the last drop of somebody else’s blood.

As a veteran, I have nothing but contempt for the millions of keyboard warriors and Yellow Elephants who are so gung ho about the Iraqi invasion and are champing at the bit to invade Iran. Most of these sheltered little dainty pukes would turn into a quivering mass of jelly if somebody gave them a dirty look in a bar (let alone pointed a gun at them in a battlefield). And yet here they are, waving their flags, sporting their yellow ribbons, urging our demented fratboy “president” to keep “fighting,” and slandering everyone who disagrees with our warmongering “leaders.”

So, what does the average Moslem on the street think of bin Laden and all of his wannabes? It’s their sons and daughters who are being “recruited” for these suicide missions. Is there an Arabic word for chickenhawk? How about shitstain?

I say we start arranging some No Holds Barred Ultimate Fighting matches between prominent chickenhawks. Dick Cheney vs. Osama bin Laden — only on Pay Per View.

September 11th: A Pointless Story

This is completely irrelevant, but anyway…

On the morning of September 11th, 2001, I was riding the bus to work as usual. I never listen to any TV or radio news in the morning, so I hadn’t learned about the attacks yet. Later on during the bus ride, a coworker got on and told me all about it.

When I got on the bus I had that morning’s edition of the San Francisco Chronicle (as usual). Their front page story was about a guy somewhere in California — I forget where — who did the standard cliché of killing several people and then killing himself. Before he killed himself he made a video and sent it to the local police department, confessing everything. At the end of the video he said “well, this oughtta keep me on the front pages for a week or so.”

Oh, and don’t forget — for the people of Chile, September 11th has a totally different meaning.

Jack Goldsmith: Unsung Hero

“Who??!?!?” Someday, historians will write about how we almost lost our country in the early 21st century. Jack Goldsmith will be one of the unsung heroes who stood up to that army of sad little men who were trying to hijack our government.

He was hired by the Justice Department in 2003 to run the Office of Legal Counsel. His job was to advise the White House on the limits of executive power. He was constantly battling with his fellow conservatives — especially Dick Cheney’s senior staff members — over torture and warrantless wiretapping.

And he was present when Abu Gonzales (then White House Counsel) barged into Attorney General John Ashcroft’s intensive care unit to badger him about domestic surveillance.

Goldsmith resigned from his job after less than a year. He's now a Harvard Law School professor. He also has a new book: The Terror Presidency: Law and Judgment Inside the Bush Administration.

Just as there are powerful Democrats who spout all the right slogans but won't act on them, there are also some anonymous workers inside the Bush Administration who are wrestling with their consciences and arguing with their gung ho coworkers. They might be the ones who will ultimately save us.

President Bush’s Iraq Progress Report on September 11th, 2007: A Sneak Preview

The President will be standing in front of a large screen showing a continuous replay of the World Trade Center imploding collapsing in flames. God Bless America will be playing in the background.

“My fellow Americans, the Surge is working. We aren't seeing any positive results yet, but I have received a confidential report which is very encouraging. If we continue to send more and more troops into Iraq, freedom will prevail. It's exactly like Sigmund Freud always said: If you try something and it doesn't work, just keep doing the same thing over and over and over, and eventually you'll get the result you want. With the continuous never-ending sacrifices of your sons and daughters, I will get that result.

“Six years ago on this date, America was attacked. Saddam bin Hussein Laden unleashed his forces of evil on our great nation, and we must continue to wreak vengeance on those Iraqi hijackers who murdered 3,000 Americans that day. Some Americans pussies have begun to question our War on Terror. Traitors. Some have even questioned my motives Guantanamo for liberating Iraq from al Qaeda and bringing freedom to the Middle East. I will not question the patriotism I need a drink of these gutless cowards, but their treasonous actions are endangering our troops. And when the liberal media continues to hammer away with their endless whining, reporting only the bad news from Iraq, they are encouraging the terrorists. In the name of Freedom, I will not tolerate this.”

[NOTE: At this point, a large banner — out of view of the TV cameras — will be unfurled. It will instruct the invitation-only audience to erupt into two minutes of spontaneous cheering and clapping.]

“Thank you. Thank you. Now let me remind you: before we liberated Iraq, those poor people were terrorized by a bloodthirsty dictator who gassed his own people. He had Weapons of Mass Destruction which threatened each and every one of us. And he was the mastermind behind the worst massacre in human history, which, as I've already mentioned, happened six years ago today.

“In the four and a half years since we liberated the Iraqi people, there has not been a single terrorist attack on American soil. And I will do everything in my power — which incidentally has expanded way beyond that of any previous president, heh heh — to keep it that way. Mommy give me your medicine that makes me feel like a tall tree Therefore we will be staying in Iraq indefinitely, and the Surge will continue to grow and grow. We will NOT cut and run. We MUST win the War on Terror.”

[The giant screen behind the president will now change images. The collapsing World Trade Center will be replaced by a video of Cindy Sheehan, Osama bin Laden and Hillary Clinton setting fire to the American Flag.]

“Fellow Americans, we cannot allow the Terrorists to win. I must have complete total unchecked power to do as I see fit, in order to continue with our success in the Middle East. Thank you.”

Why Democrats Keep Losing the White House

This excellent article by Drew Westen doesn’t say anything that hasn’t already been said a million times. Everything he says has already been covered in countless psychology and political science classes. And yet these basic lessons just don’t seem to sink in.

In order to win an election, you MUST reach out and connect with the voters EMOTIONALLY. All Democratic candidates — write that sentence on the blackboard five hundred times.

Republican candidates and consultants know this basic fact inside out, backwards and forwards. Bill Clinton is the only Democrat of the past 45 years who knows it. Why do you think Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush got elected to the White House? Because of a 72-point plan for security and prosperity? Most voters liked them — or at least they liked the images that their campaign managers crafted for them.

In 2004, John Kerry gave a list of logical dispassionate reasons that his policies were better than George W. Bush’s. Then Karl Rove yelled out “Gay Marriage!!!” and guess who won the election. Michael Dukakis gave crystal clear explanations of his plans and ideas. George H.W. Bush yelled “Willie Horton!” and won the election. Four years later Bush himself got driven out of the White House by the more folksy and likeable Bill Clinton. And so on…

Molly Ivins had a column several years ago saying that all political candidates should have a little “Elvis.” She said Bill Bradley’s problem was that he was “all substance and no Elvis.”

As Drew Westen puts it: “Think Michael Dukakis. Think Al Gore. Think John Kerry. They all ran on laundry lists. They never told coherent stories about themselves or their opponents. I can't for the life of me remember the narratives any of them laid out about why we should vote for them instead of their opponent. But I remember clearly the stories their GOP rivals told…Armed with nothing but laundry lists, all three Democrats got taken to the cleaners. It didn't matter that the public agreed with them on most of the issues.”

And forget all that drivel about “taking the high road” and “not dignifying an attack by responding to it.” If the Rightwing Noise Machine launches a smear campaign, Fight Back Goddamnit! Westen says:

“Consider the case of George W. Bush, whose life story telegraphed everything voters needed to know to make an informed decision about him: He had dodged the Vietnam-era draft while avidly supporting the war; he had drunk his way through much of his adulthood, even while he had young children at home; he had shown extraordinary incompetence in the business world; his campaign had smeared Sen. John McCain with stories about mental instability and an allegedly illegitimate baby to get Bush through the South Carolina primary in 2000; and he had mocked a fellow born-again Christian whom he put to death as governor of Texas. It was quite a story. The problem was that the Democrats wouldn't tell it…When you hear a pollster or strategist say, ‘We've got 'em beat on the issues,’ you know you're on the dispassionate river, and you know you're going under…voters disagreed with Ronald Reagan on about 75 percent of the issues. But they liked him.”

Westen describes a hypothetical successful Democratic contender for 2008: “They drink from the wellsprings of partisan sentiments, which account for more than 80 percent of votes. They tell emotionally compelling stories about who they are and what they believe in. They don't say, ‘Karl Rove needs to testify under oath about the CIA leak case because we must have a transcript.’ Rather, when the president invokes executive privilege, they ask, with righteous indignation: ‘Mr. Bush, just what is it about ‘So help me God’ that you find so offensive?’”

So how does our current crop of White House contenders look? Is there anybody out there who reaches out and grabs you?

Battle on September 15th: Treehugging Surrender Monkeys versus Patriots Who Love America

On September 15th in Washington, D.C. there will be a showdown between the two Americas. Tens of thousands of white-flag-waving socialist pussies will be out there, showing their contempt for this great nation and everything she stands for. And they’ll be met by tens of thousands of proud red-blooded patriotic Americans who support the troops and love their country.

At least that’s the description from Michelle Malkin’s column. And she wouldn’t lie, would she? I don’t usually pay much attention to the rightwing spewbuckets, but her column appeared in our local Podunk paper the other day and I made the mistake of reading it. God what a dickhead!

So the Looney Left will be countered on September 15th by the Gathering of Eagles. LOL. How many of these “Eagles” have ever served in combat — or would even know a military uniform if it bit ‘em on the ass — and how many are doing their “fighting” from behind their computer monitors? Any guesses?

Same with the Victory Caucus and Move America Forward — two other pathetic rightwing chickenhawk organizations taking part in the September 15th showdown.

Would YOU like to join some of these pro-war groups? Here's how to find out if you're qualified: You have to be able and willing to fight all of your “battles” at your computer — and at fundraising drives — and slander everyone who disagrees with Iraqmire. If you’ve got the guts and stamina to perform these strenuous back-breaking tasks, you too can be a proud member of the Victory Caucus or Move America Forward.

One of the articles at the Move America Forward website talks about the “Fight For Victory Tour” and how to drum up support for the war. Drumming up support for the war??? Here's how you can do that: ENLIST, ASSHOLE!!! Soldiers are being sent back to Iraq again and again, sometimes for a fourth or fifth tour, and sometimes in spite of injuries and disabilities. And their chickenhawk “supporters” are “helping” them by “drumming up support.” Fuckin’ IDIOTS!!

If somebody is walking down the street, struggling to carry a large object that’s too heavy, some people would walk up and offer to help. And other people would gather on the sidelines and yell out “Come on, you can do it!” “Yeah!” “Hey, lets all stand here and support this person who's trying not to drop that piano on his foot.”