Todd Akin Snubbed by Family Research Council

OUCH!  Imagine being too Bible-humpy and snake-handly for the Family Research Council.  As George Costanza would say, “That’s gotta hurt!”

Or in the words of Seth Meyers, “That’s like the president of the chess club calling YOU  a nerd.”

Tony Perkins and his Family Research Council are hosting their annual Values Voter Summit this weekend.  Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin had been announced as one of the attendees at this annual Spanish Inquisition re-enactment.  And then suddenly, it was announced that Todd Akin would NOT be attending.

Paul Ryan, however, WILL be attending.

The rift between Todd Akin and the rest of the GOP is too phony for words.  This is what happens when a political campaign is based on nothing but talking points which must be repeated word for word 24/7.  Everyone must stay On Message at all times.  Or Else.

The Republican Party Platform calls for a ban on all abortions — no exceptions.  Most high-profile Republicans agree with the platform.  And Todd Akin agrees with the platform.  The only thing separating Todd Akin from the rest of the Talibangelical wing of the GOP is Akin’s “legitimate rape” comment.  That’s all.

Todd Akin’s one careless comment has caused the Republican Party to drop him like a hot potato.  The Republican Party Platform says “Tweedledeedumdeedah” and Todd Akin said “Tweedledeedumdeedoo.”

NO!!!  Get it right, you IDIOT!!!

This is an Outrage!  How DARE he say anything so shocking?!?  Todd Akin went off message, and he has thereby capsized the GOP’s tightly choreographed synchronized swimming routine.  He’s out!

It’ll be interesting to see what other rightwing fringe groups start shunning Todd Akin.

Family Research Council Urges Death to Corrupt Bankers

Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council has been raining fire and brimstone on sinners everywhere.  Apparently he takes this stuff pretty seriously.  He’s asking ministers across the country to sign a letter that states, in part:  “…We believe that ‘the wages of sin is death’ (Rom. 6:23)…”

The linked article doesn’t specifically mention usury, but that’s presumably what Tony Perkins is referring to.  After all, usury — the charging of excessive interest rates — is mentioned repeatedly in the Bible.  And not in a good way.

The Bible has passage after passage after passage about  usury.  Here are just a few examples:

“ If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.”

“ If one of your brethren becomes poor, and falls into poverty among you, then you shall help him, like a stranger or a sojourner, that he may live with you.  Take no usury or interest from him; but fear your God, that your brother may live with you.  You shall not lend him your money for usury, nor lend him your food at a profit.”

“If he has exacted usury Or taken increase — Shall he then live? He shall not live! If he has done any of these abominations, He shall surely die; His blood shall be upon him.”

Boy, is He strict!

Now of course the Bible also has the odd passage here and there that warns against eating shellfish, coveting your neighbor’s wife, being homosexual, working on the Sabbath, yada yada…

But with page after page of warnings not to practice usury, that has to be what Tony Perkins is talking about.  Well Tony, the banking industry is full of sinners.  Go get ‘em!

CPAC: “Mardi Gras for the Right”

Only instead of beads, boobs and Hurricanes, we’ll be getting high on Jesus.  And not just any “Jesus,” nosireebob.  It has to be the Supply Side Jesus — the Real Jesus, the Jesus who embraced the moneylenders and drove the beggars from the temple.

(H/T to TomCat at PoliticsPlus, where I first saw the term Supply Side Jesus.)

CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — is the 40th annual gathering of Real Americans.  And if you have to ask, you’re a Real American if you think America used to be a great country but started  deteriorating around 1900.  That’s when Theodore Communist Roosevelt started whining about corporations being too powerful.  And on top of that, Flagburner Roosevelt had this wacky concept of “public” lands.  Public lands???  God created that land so that productive Americans could OWN it.  He put it there for mining, cattle grazing, chopping down trees.  And some of His land was also intended for the luxurious private estates of hardworking billionaires; that was fine with Him.  He DIDN’T create that land so that a bunch of faceless bureaucrats could cordon it off, call it a “national park,” and allow the riffraff to come in and gawk.

Just a minute, I’m getting all riled up.  I need to go thump the Bible for a minute…

OK:  In addition to hearing speeches by Mitt Romney (who invited that moderate jellyfish?), Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, you can also listen to Paul Ryan telling it like it is:  Social Security and Medicare have created a nation of helpless dependent parasites.

And there’s good news for those of you who hate queers:  That group of Republican homosexuals that calls themselves GOProud will NOT be darkening CPAC’s doorway this year.  As every fetus-worshiping Biblehump knows, you CANNOT be a Republican, a Christian AND a homosexual at the same time.  And because GOProud won’t be here, the Family Research Council — who refuses to be in the same zip code as those simpering GOProud homos — WILL be joining us this year.  Hallelujah!!!

Sarah Palin will also be speaking.  It’ll be her first appearance at a CPAC gathering.  And saving the best for last:  the final night of CPAC will culminate in the annual Reaganpalooza party.  (If you have to ask, you ain’t a Real American.)  The Reaganpalooza will be held at the Teatro Goldoni on K Street.

See ya there.

“Newt Gingrich is like the Italian Cruise Ship Captain”

ZING!!!

I hate to actually agree on something with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.  But you know what they say about a broken clock being right twice a day.

Tony Perkins said:

“I think, especially in the evangelical community, they understand the issue of forgiveness.  But that does not necessarily translate into endorsing for leadership.  When you look at the captain of the Costa Concordia, the guy who abandoned his responsibility — I mean, who’s going to put him in charge of a cruise ship again? I’m not getting on that cruise ship.”

And come to think of it, there are some other parallels between Newt Gingrich and Captain Francesco Schettino of the Costa Concordia captain.  For instance:

Newt Gingrich’s reason for presenting his first wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital undergoing cancer treatments:  he was overcome by an uncontrollable patriotic love for America.

The reason Captain Francesco Schettino deserted the sinking Costa Concordia:  he tripped and fell into a lifeboat.

Now what if these two wiggly slippery creatures switched places?  If Captain Francesco Schettino took Newt Gingrich's place on the campaign trail  — could anyone tell the difference?

The Values Voter Summit: Exclusive Coverage

If you’re an upstanding Real American, you already know that the Values Voter Summit is being held today through Sunday at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, D.C.  Most of the GOP presidential candidates will be there, plus a lot of other conservative VIPs.

The Values Voter Summit is being sponsored by the Family Research Council and the American Family Association.  These Godfearing organizations will be warning their audience about the evils of abortion, socialism and the Homosexual Agenda.

Eric Cantor and John Boehner have already spoken.  Later today the audience will get a chance to hear Steve “my nail polish isn’t dry yet” King, Rick Perry and Laura Ingraham.

Tomorrow’s speakers include Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney and Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.  And tomorrow afternoon there will be a lecture titled Why Christians Should Support Israel Even Though We Hate Jews.

Sunday morning will feature a worship service led by Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.


Be there.

Obamacare Death Panels: It’s Even WORSE than You Thought!!!

When Sarah Palin tried to warn us about Barack Hussein Obama’s Death Panels, liberal elitists laughed at her. But Sarah Palin’s dire warning didn’t go far enough. It didn’t even scratch the surface.

Obama’s Death Panels will do a lot more than just killing a few people’s grandmothers. Billions — TRILLIONS — of innocent little lives are about to be snuffed out by Obamacare. How, you ask?

Because Obamacare will provide Free Birth Control! The Horror! Just think of the gazillions of those cute microscopic little creatures, snuffed out before they can create that little Bundle From Heaven. Jillions of cold-blooded murders, just so a bunch of wayward sluts can have sex without having a baby, as God intended.

This isn’t a done deal yet, but liberal pagans are pushing for it. Dr. David Grimes, an OB/GYN and international family planning expert, said:

“There is clear and incontrovertible evidence that family planning saves lives and improves health.”

“Improves health” for who??? For the Already-Born, that’s who! They don’t count!

Fortunately, the Catholic Church is taking a stand for decency. A spokesman from the National Catholic Bioethics Center said:

“Fewer babies means fewer little boys for priests to diddle We don't consider it to be health care, but a lifestyle choice. We think there are other ways to avoid having children than by ingesting chemicals paid for by health insurance.”

Other Godfearing organizations — the Family Research Council, for one — are doing their best to keep these evil forces out of God’s Country. Please pray for their success. If they fail, Jesus will be turning in His grave.

Anti-Abortionists: “Let’s Hear It For Obamacare! YEEAAHHH!!!”

Some people on the Far Right were against socialized medicine before they were for it.

There’s a section of the health care reform law that allows state governments to restrict abortion coverage by private insurers. This has the Salem Witch-Hunting community jumping for joy. And you thought the Right was AGAINST government meddling in the marketplace?!?

Oh well, nobody ever accused the wingtards of being decisive or consistent.

An attorney for Americans United for Life said: “We don't consider elective abortion to be health care, so we don't think it's a bad thing for fewer private insurance companies to cover it.”

And since life is sacred, these self-righteous Biblewipes will surely be watching over all of these fetuses AFTER they’re born. Right???

So far Tennessee and Arizona (of course!) have already taken advantage of the new law. In Florida, Mississippi and Missouri, lawmakers have passed these bans and they haven’t yet been signed or vetoed by the respective governors. And similar bans are being considered in Ohio, Oklahoma and Louisiana.

A lobbyist for the Family Research Council said: “You are going to see more actions like this. This is not something we are just going to let fall by the wayside.”

In a related story — well, sort of — Chinese scientists have found a practical use for discarded cigarette butts. Cigarette butts contain chemicals which are toxic enough to kill fish. And now scientists have discovered that these same chemicals can protect a kind of steel used in oil pipes. They prevent the steel from rusting.

Leave it to the Chinese — a practical use for a ubiquitous waste product that was just clogging up garbage dumps and landfills. Maybe this could be a trend.

With so many hazardous byproducts polluting the Earth, maybe somebody could find a use for these waste products.

Or These.

The Mount Vernon Statement

Don’t these rightwing dickwads have anything else to do? They’re already rewriting the Bible to get rid of all that whiny liberal bias. No, Jesus wasn’t some long-haired hippie with delicate facial features, and no he didn’t drive the moneylenders from the temple. He had short hair, steely eyes, wore a Brooks Brothers suit and had regular business conferences with the aforementioned financial consultants.

And now — the Mount Vernon Statement. Come on now, click on the link. It’s futile to resist. If it doesn’t destroy you it’ll make you stronger. You won’t know whether to laugh, cry, swear at the top of your lungs, hit the computer — or all of the above.

Basically, the Mount Vernon Statement says America is being attacked from within by godless liberals who want to destroy our values, and our Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves.

Judging by the wording of the document and who signed it, they should have just called it Son of Project For A New American Century.

Signers include Grover Norquist, Tony Perkins (of Family Research Council infamy) and Edwin Meese. Who even knew Edwin Meese was still alive? If you’re under 45 you’re probably thinking “Who??!?!?!?”

He was Ronald Reagan’s attorney general. He shared Reagan’s schizophrenic political viewpoint — massive crackdowns on drugs, dirty magazines and other victimless crimes, and “limited government.”

One of his most famous quotes was: “You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect.”

He also — remember now, schizophrenics don’t know they’re schizophrenic — complained repeatedly about being “tried and convicted by the press” (he was up to his eyeballs in the Iran-Contra scandal).

Here’s a link to the Mount Vernon Statement itself and everyone who signed it.