For Only $15 — YOU can Talk to a Real Live Congressman!!!

Rep. Paul Ryan (R—Peewee Herman) can’t take it any more. Rowdy constituents coming into his town hall meetings and asking embarrassing questions — he’s had it! So what if their taxes are paying his salary (and health insurance, pension, travel expenses)?

In a desperate attempt to squelch the symptoms — without dealing with the underlying cause — Paul Ryan will be charging $15 for the privilege of attending any of his future “public” events.

Going him one better, Rep. Ben Quayle (R—Potatoehead Jr.) will be charging $35 for the chance to see and hear him at a catered luncheon on August 23rd. Can’t wait.

This is one way to keep the riffraff out, while still allowing reporters in; so you’ll still get news coverage without having to answer any uncomfortable questions.

And Rep. Doug Lamborn (R—Ku Klux Klan) doesn’t even want your filthy money. He has forbidden any and all “protests” in or near his office in Colorado Springs. This is the same inbred redneck who referred to Obama as “tar baby” last month.

But hey, the news isn’t all bad. PSSSSST — Wanna see a lewd picture of Michele Bachmann?

AND — equal time and all that — a lewd picture of Marcus Bachmann.

Is Michele Bachmann’s Husband Gay?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as Jerry Seinfeld used to say. But when you have an effeminate Biblehumper giving “Pray Away the Gay” seminars — jokes and insinuations will be made.

Hope you’ll take the time to watch these two videos from Wednesday’s episode of The Daily Show — special guest, Jerry Seinfeld — and enjoy their commentary on Marcus and Michele Bachmann.

What DOES the Tea Party Stand For?

Sure, it’s easy to stand up to a desperate woman who’s seeking an abortion, or a cancer patient who just got dumped by his/her HMO. But when the time came to actually take a stand and show some courage, the screaming teabaggers whimpered and bent over.

What happened to those George Washington costumes and “We’re Taking Back Our Country!” Would our Founding Fathers invade Libya?

The House has defeated an attempt to cut off funding for air attacks on Libya. Twenty-seven members of the House Tea Party Caucus (out of a total of 59 members) voted against the funding cutoff.

Some representatives — including Michele Bachmann — used the age-old copout of “I voted against it because it didn’t go far enough.”

Judson Phillips of Tea Party Nation said:

“We have no congressional authorization for military action in Libya, but our brilliant GOP leadership did not cut off funding. Could they possibly be any more gutless?”

In other news: Jim DeMint has warned all Republicans NOT to vote for increasing the debt limit, saying “if you vote for it, you’ll lose.”

And just a few days ago, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned Republicans that they’d better vote FOR increasing the debt limit. Anyone who votes against it — “we’ll get rid of you.”

Awkward. Maybe there won’t be any more Republicans.

And finally: Hey, it worked for Blackwater.

Republicans: “Backward, March!”

I stole that line from a column by Paul Krugman. His column ends with:

“We’ve always known that the modern G.O.P. wants to take America back to the way it was before the New Deal; but now it’s clear that the party wants to build a bridge to the 19th century, and maybe even to the antebellum era. Backward, march!”

He points out that Republicans no longer refer to themselves as “the party of Lincoln.” Nope, that ship sailed a long time ago. The party whose governors keep threatening to secede, naming itself after the president who PREVENTED the southern states from seceding — LOL. That one flunked the smell test a long time ago.

The GOP’s “Backward, March!” order was loud and clear at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) gathering. If nothing else, they set a new Guinness World Record for “number of inbreds per square inch.”

There’s nothing more pathetic — it’s also sort of funny in that sick sort of way — than a bunch of Far Right extremists all trying to out-wingtard each other. “I want to bring America back to the 1800s and ban ALL abortion.” “I want to take us back to the 1700s and put all rape victims in jail. They were asking for it!”

Ann Coulter, Andrew Breitbart, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, all at the same gathering — no wonder there was an emergency pollution alert. Somebody should have called in a waste removal truck.

2011 State of the Union Speech

Well, it was a pretty bland evening. And that’s a good thing, what with the Tucson Massacre and all, which came on the heels of ten years of mutual hatred bordering on open warfare in this country.

Obama did a good job of speaking in generalities that most of us can agree on. He referred to our global competitive disadvantage as a “Sputnik moment” (which somebody else already used a month or two ago). My personal favorite phrase of Obama’s, referring to two years of shouting over “Obamacare,” was “Let’s fix what needs fixing, and move forward.”

In the few moments between Obama’s SOTU speech and Paul Ryan’s rebuttal, I remembered why I hardly ever listen to news “analysis” on TV. I forget who the blubbering heads were, but their consensus was that Obama “forgot” to mention gun control. This was his brief window — a golden opportunity — to captivate the nation with an impassioned plea for gun control. And that was when I turned off the TV, thinking “oooookey, well I guess I forgot too.”

And then came Paul Ryan. He seemed almost likeable, in that class nerd/Howdy Doody sort of way. (He and Bobby Jindal must have had the same public speaking instructor.) I was prepared to hate him, based on his most famous quote: “We need a better senate, and we need Obama out of the White House.” But, as the Biblethumping community always says (as if they actually meant it), “hate the sin, love the sinner.”

He was nowhere near as combative or obnoxious as I expected, but of course he had to trot out the Far Right’s done-to-death “failed stimulus” soundbite. Maybe some of the thousands of people whose jobs were SAVED by that “failed stimulus” would have a different description, and/or a few colorful expletives for Paul Ryan.

And since the Teabag Nation is so far to the right they make most Republicans (i.e. RINOs) look like Communists, tonight’s format was changed from good cop / bad cop to good cop, bad cop and badass rogue motherfucker you don’t EVEN want to fuck with.

Enter Michele Bachmann. Paul Ryan’s wimpy milquetoast response was the exact kind of spineless “apologizing for America” wussery that our Founding Fathers warned us about.

If you do a search, you’ll probably find a video of Michele Bachman’s “He-Man Rebuttal to the Pussy Rebuttal” speech. But be warned: Do NOT look into those eyes, or — or…you…will…become…one…of…THEM…Yes Master, I am ready. We must get on with Our Mission…

Take Away Social Security?!? That’s OUR Money!!!

When it comes to taxes — no matter how necessary they might be — the teabaggers always scream “That’s OUR money, not the government’s money. Give it back to The People who EARNED it!”

And yet these same people just can’t wait to get rid of Social Security, which is also — belaboring the obvious here — OUR money. This point was made by Minnesota state Sen. Tarryl Clark, who’s running against Michele Bachmann this November. Godspeed! You go girl!

She said:

“Michele Bachmann has said that Americans need to be weaned off Social Security and Medicare. Well, I’ve now been paying into Social Security since I was a teenager — so for about 25 or 30 years — seems to me that’s my money. Why on earth does she want to take away our money? It’s money that we’ve worked hard for, and it’s money that’s supposed to be there for our retirement. Well, why would she want to do that? It is the opposite of what I think people are mad about. We should be making sure that the government is going to have it be solvent and have it be available for us, instead of having people like Michele threatening to get rid of it.”

Excellent point. This is something the Democrats might want to bring into the spotlight during the next few months. That is, in case they actually care about winning this November.

Beware of Hatriots

Very descriptive term. That’s what this article calls them.

Bill Clinton gave a speech yesterday on the Oklahoma City bombing. The fifteenth anniversary will be the day after tomorrow. (Here’s another link to Clinton’s speech.)

Clinton said:

“One of the things that the conservatives have always brought to the table in America is a reminder that no law can replace personal responsibility. And the more power you have and the more influence you have, the more responsibility you have…I'm glad they're fighting over health care and everything else. Let them have at it. But I think that all you have to do is read the paper every day to see how many people there are who are deeply, deeply troubled.”

For a perfect example of power without responsibility, take John Boehner (please!). On the news the other night, he was giving a speech about all the recent threats and violence. He went on and on and on about how “the American people” are furious about Obamacare and “big government,” and then he finally got around to saying “well, I mean, ahem, of course we don’t condone that sort of thing, but…”

Clinton also fired back (figuratively) at Michele Bachmann for her constant references to “gangster government.”

“They are not gangsters. They were elected. They are not doing anything they were not elected to do.”

He specifically mentioned the Oath Keepers and the Three Percenters in his speech.

“Ninety-nine percent of them will never do anything they shouldn’t do, but there are people who advocate violence and anticipate violence.”

He also pointed out the obvious — or at least it should be — differences between the original Tea Party and its current namesake:

“It was about no taxation without representation. It was not about representation by people you didn’t vote for and didn’t agree with, but can vote out in the next election.”

Tom Coburn Hates Veterans

Senator Tom Coburn (R-Shitstain) has placed a legislative hold on the Veterans’ Caregiver and Omnibus Health Benefits Act of 2009 (S 1963). This is his way of protesting against the stimulus bill, which he has called “the worst act of generational theft in our nation’s history.”

Thirteen military and veterans’ groups have sent a letter to Harry Reid saying: “It is essential that Congress act on this comprehensive measure without further delay. Thousands of disabled veterans with serious medical conditions and the family members who care for them are counting on this additional support.”

Steve Robertson, the legislative director for The American Legion, met with Coburn’s staff to try arranging for some sort of compromise. No dice. He said:

“For a lot of family caregivers, delay is costing them their jobs and their savings. It’s having a big impact. They made it clear that Sen. Coburn sees this as using his rights as a senator to place a hold on a bill…I agree with that, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense to hold up a bill that would do a lot of good things for veterans that has cleared a committee and is ready for a vote.”

Sixty-one years ago an inbred redneck got fucked by a Neanderthal, and it gave birth to Tom Coburn. If you’d like to tell him that (in so many words), please click here.

A few other Senate Republicans learned something yesterday — something most of us already learned in elementary school. If you play hooky from school, the rest of the class will continue on without you. Time doesn’t stand still for you just because you’re having a tantrum.

For people who never learned this in school, the business world teaches the same lesson, often more bluntly. Don’t show up for work, and your coworkers will get along just fine without you. And your boss might discover that he/she doesn’t need you any more.

For the sake of all Republican readers out there (in case that isn’t an oxymoron), a well-known self-help book has now been rewritten: All I Really Need To Know, I learned when I was 57 years old.

This last story has a certain irony to it. Republicans won’t get it, but for people whose IQs are ABOVE freezing, it should be good for a laugh: At Michele Bachmann’s anti-Government Takeover anti-Socialized Medicine rally yesterday, one of the John Galt wannabes had a heart attack. Fortunately for Howard Roark Junior, some of those hated socialist bureaucrats were close at hand, and they resuscitated him.

As Mr. Bootstraps was being wheeled away by about ten government medical personnel, John Boner was spewing into his mike: “Join us in defeating Pelosi care!”

September 11th, 2001 — The Republican Rewrite

Here is what really happened that day:

On the morning of September 11th, 2001, the World Trade Center was attacked by waves of health reform socialists. Thousands of these pestilent liberals swarmed all over the Twin Towers, annihilating free enterprise and liberty everywhere they went.

In their wake, they left a heartbreaking trail of redistributed wealth and health insurance coverage for millions of previously uninsured Americans. The agony! America still hasn’t recovered from this Day of Infamy.

The Far Right has a new Official Demon™. When the Cold War ended, they needed a replacement for **Communism** and they came up with **The Homosexual Agenda**. Ever since September 11, 2001 **The Terrorists** (i.e. anyone with a dark complexion and a Middle Eastern name) has been their favorite code word.

And now those swarthy Arabs have been replaced. According to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-Inbred), **Socialized Medicine** has replaced the darkskinned furriner as the thing Americans should fear most. Today on the House floor, she said:

“I believe the greatest fear that we all should have to our freedom comes from this room — this very room — and what may happen later this week in terms of a tax increase bill masquerading as a health care bill. I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.”

Coming soon: Another one of those spontaneous demonstrations in Washington, DC. Michele Bachmann has summoned her gang of vacant-stare gullible dimwits to gather next week in D.C. They’ve been instructed to show their patriotic love for America and their visceral hatred of inept faceless bureaucrats meddling in their health care. They will carry out their marching orders as directed.

The next moderate pussy to be kicked out of the Republican Big Tent: George H.W. Bush.

In 1987, when he was still Reagan’s vice president, Bush told Mikhail Gorbachev: “Reagan is a conservative. An extreme conservative. All the blockheads and dummies are for him, and when he says that something is necessary, they trust him.”

OOOPS.