What Was YOUR “Get Off My Lawn” Moment?

This article is titled “What’s Your ‘Get Off My Lawn’ Entertainment Moment?”

The article starts off with “Everyone has a different get-off-my-lawn moment, a fact that makes them suddenly feel their age.”  The author is referring mostly to teenage Hollywood stars from the 1970s and ‘80s who are now older than their parental-age co-stars were at the time.  John Travolta is now older (59) than his teachers from Welcome Back Kotter.  Ralph Macchio is the same age (51) that Pat Morita was when The Karate Kid was filmed.

Etc.

My own “Get Off My Lawn” moment was derived from one of those underground “freak” comics from the late ‘60s / early ‘70s; probably either Zap Comics or The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.  I don’t remember the title, but I think it was just one frame.  This hippie was showing how you can do your panhandling or hitchhiking at a stop sign, so you have a captive audience among all the stopped motorists.

It showed the hippie staring at a driver with this intense pleading facial expression, with the thought bubble saying “Oh please, Mister, oh pleeeease!?!?!?”  And I just cracked up, thinking “All right!  Make that rich businessman squirm, hee hee hee.”

Fast forward about twenty years.  I’m driving home from work.  I come up to a red light, and there’s some guy standing right there with a “Will Work For Food” sign.  And I’m studiously ignoring him, staring straight ahead, wishing that F$#%&!#!# light would hurry up and change.

Yup, “Get Off My Lawn!”  I had come full circle.  I’d turned into that dull nine-to-five suburbanite I’d thought was so hilarious twenty years earlier.

Todd Akin Immortalized in “Law and Order: SVU” episode

Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock died (politically) last November, but their fifteen minutes of fame aren’t quite over yet.  Last night’s episode of Law & Order:  SVU featured an “expert” — and later discredited — defense witness in a rape trial who invoked the “legitimate rape” argument.

It was a very powerful episode.  (Here are some links.)

This isn’t the first time a Law & Order:  SVU episode has been based on a current political issue.  A year or two ago they had an episode featuring an Iraq war contractor who had raped a female soldier.

Law & Order:  SVU and CSI:  New York both had episodes patterned after those two Pennsylvania “Kids For Cash” judges.

If you used to watch The Shield, you’ll recognize the rapist from last night’s Law & Order:  SVU episode.  I don’t remember the actor’s name; he was one of the detectives on The Shield but not a major character.  He was a total sleazebag who ended up filing a phony workers’ comp claim and getting a generous retirement/disability package.

Either he’s an evil bastard in real life, or he’s a hell of an actor.

UPDATE:  I finally found it.  The rapist was played by David Marciano, who previously played Detective Steve Billings on The Shield.

Like Mitt Romney on Facebook. Follow Paul Ryan on Twitter.

Welcome to Chapter XXXVIII of the GOP’s ongoing “We Didn’t Get Our Message Out” soap opera.  You know the drill.  Putting lipstick on that butt-ugly GOPig didn’t help, so the obvious answer is:   More lipstick.  A different shade of lipstick.  Be sitting in a different position when you apply the lipstick.  Something.  Anything.

According to the two co-founders of Red Edge, a digital strategy group, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan would have won the 2012 election if only they had made better use of social media.

Co-founder Bret Jacobson said:

“If you had run a really competent, really aggressive digital campaign, you probably could have won an Electoral College vote.  The difference is roughly 450,000 in a couple swing states and you could more than make up for that difference.”

He said the Obama campaign was “incredibly good at empowering people to receive and share information” on the Internet, particularly Facebook.

“They were able to specifically reach out and… help identify these people who need to register to vote.  And it turns out that after a million people logged in, they actually yielded a million real world voter registrations and votes from those people, which is really powerful stuff.”

And now Red Edge wants to bring “Internet culture into the Republican culture.”  In order to do that they need a “tech-savvy candidate who can build a strong digital following.”

The Digital GOP’s Great White Hope?  Rand Paul.  The other Red Edge co-founder, Ian Spencer, said:

“In terms of the grassroots support his father [Ron Paul] has enjoyed, many of whom also support him, I think he's in a kind of unique position to really make some waves online...because there's so many small dollar donors who, who went to Ron and who may now go to Rand.”

Hopefully, Republican campaign managers will master Facebook and Twitter just when those media have faded away and been replaced by the next Internet trend.

In the meantime, please visit Rand Paul at MySpace.

Wind Energy 1, Donald Trump 0

Scottish ministers have approved an offshore wind farm near Aberdeen.  Donald Trump had been using all of his financial and political clout to fight this project because it’s near one of his golf courses and he’s afraid it’ll ruin the view and drive tourists away.

At a press conference, Donald Trump threw a tantrum and said:

“As dictated by Alex Salmond, a man whose obsession with obsolete wind technology will destroy the magnificence and beauty of Scotland. Likewise, tourism, Scotland’s biggest industry, will be ruined. We will spend whatever monies are necessary to see to it that these huge and unsightly industrial wind turbines are never constructed.

“All over the world they are being abandoned, but in Scotland they are being built. We will put our future plans in Aberdeen on hold, as will many others, until this ridiculous proposal is defeated. Likewise, we will be bringing a lawsuit within the allocated period of time to stop what will definitely be the destruction of Aberdeen and Scotland itself.”

Uh, “all over the world,” windmills are being abandoned?!?  Whose “world” would that be?

Scotland’s energy minister, Fergus Ewing, said the wind farm would provide enough energy to power almost half of the homes in Aberdeen.  But more importantly, this site is being designed for testing and evaluating new offshore wind technology.  He said:

“Offshore renewables represent a huge opportunity for Scotland; an opportunity to build up new industries and to deliver on our ambitious renewable energy and carbon reduction targets.  The proposed European offshore wind deployment centre will give the industry the ability to test and demonstrate new technologies in order to accelerate its growth. It secures Aberdeen’s place as the energy capital of Europe.”

A spokesman for the wind project said:

“The Scottish government’s most welcome approval for the EOWDC is extremely positive news for both Scotland and the UK’s offshore wind industry as it helps position Scotland, the UK and Europe at the global vanguard of the sector.  The decision also confirms Aberdeen city and shire’s status as a world-class energy hub, bringing with it significant economic benefits which will be pivotal to ensuring the region’s long-term prosperity.”

The director of Friends of the Earth Scotland said:

“Well done to the Scottish government for standing up to Donald Trump’s threats and bluster.”

Todd Kincannon: the GOP’s New Spokesman

The Republican Party continues to try on new costumes in their ongoing attempt to shed their image and reach more voters.  Their newest poster boy is Todd Kincannon, former head of the South Carolina Republican Party.

Some of his recent tweets have exemplified — crystallized — what the GOP is trying to say.  After this year’s Super Bowl, Todd Kincannon tweeted:

“This Super Bowl sucks more dick than adult Trayvon Martin would have for drug money.”

Meh.  Not too bad.  But Todd Kincannon was just warming up.  He perfected his technique, and the GOP’s message, when he lashed out at Michael Prysner, an Iraq war veteran who was against the war and who had defended Hugo Chavez.  His tweets included:

“What do you get when you combine asshattery and jizzwhistlery with a side of epic douchebaggery? Why, you get @MikePrysner!”

“This cocksucker @MikePrysner insults American policemen yet thinks Hugo Chavez, currently burning in Hell, was a misunderstood humanitarian.”

“You are an Iraq veteran?  Shame you didn’t come home in a body bag.”

“I wish the Iraqis had better aim with his ass.  Yes, I hope if that guy is ever in combat again, the enemy splatters his brains JFK-style. He deserves it.”

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has sent a memo to GOP leaders to get their input on Todd Kincannon’s outreach technique:

“Are we getting warmer?”

Earth Day — Utah Style

On April 22nd — while most Americans are wallowing in the feelgood socialism of Earth Day — some lucky school children in Utah will be celebrating Fossil Fuel Day.

The theme of last year’s celebration was “How Do YOU Use Oil, Gas and Mining?”  This year’s theme will be “Where Would WE Be Without Oil, Gas and Mining?”

As you may have guessed, these Fossil Fuel Day celebrations are financed by a Who’s Who of fossil fuel interests.  Sponsors include:  the Salt Lake Petroleum Section of the Society of Petroleum Engineers; the Utah Division of Oil, Gas and Mining; Arch Coal; Anadarko Petroleum; and Kennecott Utah Copper.

Fossil Fuel Day is a poster contest, and any child in Utah between Kindergarten and sixth grade can participate.  The purpose of this contest is “to improve students’ and the public’s awareness of the important role that oil, gas, and mining play in our everyday lives.”

In addition to the above-named oil/gas/mining conglomerates, Utah has some high-ranking politicians who think climate change is a hoax.  Utah Congressman Chris Stewart (“Global warming?  It‘s just God hugging us closer“) is a subcommittee chairman on the House Science, Space and Technology Committee.

Three years ago, the Utah House of Representatives passed a resolution denying the existence of climate change.

And here is a picture of the Utah State Flag.

Those poor Utah students.  They might have to go to school twice as long as everybody else.  It’ll take them twelve years just to un-learn everything the oil and mining companies have taught them.

When a Hawk Gets Eaten by a Raccoon

We live on the main street of a small town, but our back porch faces out onto a wooded hillside that’s about half a block wide and several blocks long.  We don’t intentionally feed the raccoons, but we put out several kinds of bird seed, and the raccoons — as well as birds of all kinds and all sizes — all seem to like it.

We also have several parrots — indoor only! — whose room faces out onto the porch.  Sometimes an owl or hawk will hover, or even swoop down and try to get one of those tasty parrots.  The door and windows are always closed, so there’s no danger.

Last night, while my wife was in the room with the parrots, a hawk — presumably a sparrow hawk — swooped down, flew too close and bashed into the window.  At that exact moment (I didn’t know about this at the time), I was in the kitchen, which also faces onto the porch.  A raccoon was right outside the kitchen door, chowing down on some bird seed.  Suddenly there was a crashing sound.  That same hawk had crashed into our kitchen window and then hit the ground.

I don’t know whether the hawk was injured from crashing into a window (twice), or just momentarily stunned.  In any case, the raccoon instantly morphed from this cute little cuddly thing eating bird seed — to a ruthlessly efficient killing machine.  After a few seconds of clawing and biting the hawk, the raccoon picked up the corpse and scampered off with it.

I don’t know how clearly I’ve described the encounter, but it was absolutely riveting to watch — simultaneously horrifying and fascinating.  It was a live up-close-and-personal version of all those wildlife programs where you see an eagle swooping down on its prey, or a lion stalking and killing a gazelle.

The War on Easter

Christmas isn’t the only sacred American tradition that’s under assault from secular progressives.  Just look at this shocking article.

“Spring Egg Hunt.”  “Community Egg Hunt.”  It’s EASTER!!!

Godlessness and political correctness are smothering America and taking Jesus out of our daily lives.

Easter is a uniquely Christian holiday.  There is absolutely no connection between ancient Pagan fertility rites and the Easter Bunny, so get your mind out of the gutter this minute.

It’s just a matter of time before cashiers start saying “Happy Spring Equinox” or “Happy Fertility Ritual Day” instead of “Happy Easter.”

Which Elective War Was America’s Worst Mistake?

Here is today’s online poll question in the Peninsula Daily News:

“Continuing our 10th anniversary lookback at the start of the Iraq War, which one of these post-World War II conflicts do you think was the U.S.'s biggest mistake?”

(This poll is not scientific, because:  a) it’s not random; it reflects only the views of people who chose to take part in it; and b) a person can vote more than once.)

With 1,002 votes cast, the results are:

Vietnam — 50.7%

Iraq — 25.1%

Afghanistan — 10.1%

Central America — 2.0%

Korea — 1.7%

Other — 1.4%

None of Them — 9.0%


No, that last answer is NOT a typo.  Believe it or not, nine percent of these respondents actually think that all of our corporate-ordered foreign “adventures” were just hunky dory.  America is Number One!  Any of you swarthy third world tinpots got a problem with that?!?

Nine percent of these respondents will never EVER question anything their government does — except, of course, when there’s a Kenyan Muslim Socialist in the White House.

But there’s one other group that’s even more contemptible than the unquestioning all-obeying nine percent:  the people who agree in retrospect that the Iraqi invasion was wrong, and are simultaneously yelling “Stop Iran!  Invade Iran NOW before it’s too late!”

ALEC behind Farm States’ “Ag Gag” Laws

It figures.  This should have been obvious all along.

When one state legislature after another starts passing identical laws to push a certain corporate agenda, the man behind the curtain is usually the American Legislative Exchange Council  (ALEC).  ALEC is basically a bill mill; a corporate front group that pushes various rightwing agendas at the state level.

“Stand Your Ground” laws, voter suppression laws, laws designed to cripple unions — all of these laws were passed in lockstep by red state legislatures.  And each one of these laws was the result of ALEC lobbyists dictating their instructions to their secretaries (formerly known as state legislators).

And now it turns out ALEC has been the driving force behind the epidemic of “Ag Gag” laws rolling down the legislative assembly line in state after state.  It was obvious these Ag state legislator/prostitutes were getting down on their knees and sucking somebody off; we just didn’t know ALEC was the suckee.  Or “suck-off-ee” or whatever you’d call it.  Or:  whose jism was smeared all over these Ag state legislators’ mouths?  ALEC’s jism.

Ag Gag laws are the result of numerous undercover videos taken inside factory farms.  These videos have revealed horrifying shocking treatment of livestock, including living conditions that are filthy and unsanitary beyond belief.  (And this is what you’re eating?!?!?!?)  As a result of these sickening exposés, factory farm owners have responded by?

a) Providing better treatment and living conditions for their farm animals; or

b) Ordering their state legislator/hookers to pass laws making it a crime to take pictures inside a factory farm and/or to distribute said pictures.

b) is of course the correct answer.

Last spring ALEC got a lot of publicity after they were revealed to be the source of so many voter suppression and union-busting laws.  And publicity is the exact thing ALEC does NOT want.  When you turn on the kitchen light at 2 a.m. and see cockroaches scattering and running to the nearest crack, that’s ALEC when they get any sort of media exposure.  In April 2012 some of the country’s most powerful corporations dropped their association with ALEC after too much media scrutiny.

The media should start another round of exposing ALEC, their slippery tactics and who their members are.

And the skank-ass “legislators” who keep passing these Ag Gag laws need to be dressed up in mini-skirts, heavy makeup and fishnet stockings and paraded in front of their constituents, so everyone will see them for the prostitutes they are.

The World According to CPAC

At this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) gathering, we learned five things the Liberal Media will never tell us.  Did you know:

The Catholic Church has been infiltrated by — infested with — Marxists, homosexuals and New Age devil worshipers.  This dire warning was brought to us by Cliff Kincaid, founder of America’s Survival.  Just one chilling example:  Catholic bishops “made a deal with the devil to get Obamacare passed.”

Gay marriage is even more hazardous to America than you ever suspected.  The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Prosperity warned CPAC attendees of the “10 Reasons Why Homosexual ‘Marriage’ is Harmful and Must be Opposed.”  Just ten???  Now hold on — the Ruth Institute has a brochure stating the “77 Non-Religious Reasons to Support Man/Woman Marriage.”

Thanks to the American Jobs Alliance, we now know that the United Nations is planning to impose Sharia Law on America, and “a quarter of the entire U.S. land area will fall under UN court jurisdiction.”

ProEnglish — gee, I wonder what their mission could be — is warning us that Puerto Rico’s statehood referendum was rigged.  It’s part of a diabolical plot to dilute English — the cornerstone of American culture — with that swarthy Hispanic language.

And finally:  George Soros controls EVERYTHING!!!  Oh come on, we already knew that.

Bill Maher talked about the fact that such a tiny number of rightwing wackjobs can wield such a disproportional amount of power over the Republican Party and the national dialogue.  He called it “shit-kicker inflation, which is the problem of all things conservative being portrayed as way bigger than they really are.”

For example — Bill Donahoe’s Catholic League.  “It’s just one guy with a fax machine.”

Same with One Million Moms.  I don’t know how many “moms” this group has, but they have fewer than 3,000 followers on Twitter.

The linked article describes CPAC as “where the looniest and most far-flung reaches of the far right are given a microphone and a chance to court the next generation of Republicans.”

Or as Bill Maher put it:  “They’re just so loud, they haven’t noticed America has moved on without them.”

Scott Prouty: The Unsung Hero of the 2012 Presidential Election

Until yesterday, nobody knew the name Scott Prouty.

But last night on MSNBC’s The Ed Show, Scott Prouty revealed his identity as the man who outed Mitt Romney.  Scott Prouty was a bartender at the hotel where Romney spewed out his “47 percent” drivel at a $50,000-a-plate fundraiser.  He recorded Romney’s infamous speech, and then spent several weeks agonizing over whether to release it to the public.  He told Ed Schulz that after he released the tape:

“…I didn’t know how long that story was going to play out, but I thought, boy, this is certainly having an effect that I had hoped and, you know, and it did. And it continued probably longer than I could have ever imagined it would.  But I think it defined him [Romney] at a critical point… and it defined him exactly for who he was.”

Yes indeed, that’s exactly what the tape did — “defined him exactly for who he was.”

After months of Mitt Romney smothering the airwaves with his shifty smarmy twitchy “I care about America; I want to be whoever you want me to be” spewage, Romney was Outed.  Busted!

“Forty-seven percent of Americans are dependent on government handouts…it’s not my job to worry about those people” completely canceled out — Obliterated! — Romney’s millions of well-rehearsed phony soundbites.  The mask was yanked off.

It’s like that children’s radio host, back in the 1950s, who was finishing up his kiddies’ program with a little sing-songy thing, and then, thinking the microphone was off, said “OK, that’ll hold the little bastards for another day.”

We found out what Mitt Romney REALLY thinks.  God only knows how many millions of Americans didn’t vote for Romney who would have voted for him if that fundraising speech hadn’t been revealed.

Thank God Scott Prouty did what he did.

By the way, the camera he used was not even hidden.  It was sitting right there on top of the bar where he was bartending:

"It was sitting there. We were never told cameras aren't allowed. We were never told it was a secret event. You know, and if it was, I wouldn't have brought a camera. So many other people had cameras in the room, I really didn't think anything of it. I just didn't think that it was a big deal."

Which Furrin Country is the GREATEST Threat to America?

Today’s online poll question from our local newspaper is:

“Which nation do you consider to be the greatest threat to the United States?”

With 1,096 votes in (this poll doesn’t claim to be scientific), the results are:

China — 38.2%

North Korea — 31.9%

Iran — 16.1%

Russia — 2.1%

Syria — 0.9%

Other — 10.8%


You have to vote in order to see the results, so I clicked on “Other.”

I would have thought the survey might include some of the INTERNAL threats to our security — militia groups, the NRA and their minions, racist/skinhead/KKK-type groups — but what do I know?

Then again, maybe we should be grateful they didn’t ask “Which domestic group is the greatest threat to the United States?  a)  liberals, b) moonbats, c) tree huggers, or d) anti-war protesters who hate their own country?”

(The poll question appears on the newspaper’s home page — you’ll need to scroll down a little — but they might be on to their next poll question by the time you click on it.)

Daylight Saving Time is Draining the Economy

Daylight Saving Time is more than just the giant butt pain of resetting the clocks twice a year.  This annual “Spring Ahead” time change is costing the U.S. economy about $434 million a year.  This is based on the lost productivity caused by losing an hour of sleep, and being generally disoriented from having it be suddenly an hour later.

If you want the excruciating details you can check out the Sleep Better Lost-Hour Economic Index.

NOW can we get rid of this jackassinine time change ritual?  WTF is the point of it anyway?  I don’t recall EVER hearing somebody say “Oh boy, we get to change the clocks tonight!”

I’ve always thought this time change was a nuisance anyway, but it became even more so when they — whoever the “they” is that makes these crucial decisions — started changing WHEN the time change occurs.  From as far back as I can remember, Daylight Saving Time started the last weekend of April and ended the last weekend of October.

In the spring of 1995, “they” made the Earthshaking discovery that Daylight Saving Time wasn’t starting early enough, so they changed the time of the time change to the first weekend of April.  I kept thinking “who makes these decisions” and “shouldn’t these people have something more important to do with their time and our tax dollars?”

The reason I remember when the time change change happened:  in March 1995 I started doing a much longer commute.  Same employer, but they moved to a larger office fifteen miles further away.  And this new commute had nightmare freeway traffic that I had previously avoided.

Anyway, with my longer gridlocked commute, it was pitch black when I left in the morning, even in March.  By the first week in April, there was just starting to be the tiniest glimmer of light when I left in the morning.  Then came Daylight Saving Time, three weeks early, and I was commuting in the pitch dark again.

OK, nothing tragic or major, but I’m guessing most people have similar anecdotes about what a pain in the ass it is to change the time twice a year.  Now that they’re making Daylight Saving Time last longer and longer — from early March to early November — maybe someday they’ll just cut to the chase and make it Daylight Saving Time all the time.

Or Standard Time all the time.  Whatever.  Something where we aren’t dealing with this absurd time change twice a year.

Republicans Must Reach Out to that Freeloading 47%

by Ted Cruz

Mitt Romney was right.  Forty-seven percent of the American population is just a bunch of freeloading bums who lie around all day smoking pot and taking handouts.  But Romney blew the election when he said “it’s not my job to worry about those people.”

Unfortunately, those parasites vote.  And they DIDN’T vote for Mitt Romney.  So like it or not, we DO have to worry about these no-good layabouts, or else the GOP will go down in flames in the next election.

When we start the 2014 election campaign, we need to tailor our message to each specific group that makes up the Freeloading 47%.  Drug addicts, for example.  When we have a TV commercial that’s directed towards dopers and hopheads, we could have music in the background that’s, you know, that psychedelic music that people listen to when they’re on drugs.  Or jazz, if the ad is being targeted towards hopheads who are colored.

The inner cities have been ignored by Republicans, and consequently most of those people voted for Obama.  When we target our ads toward the ghettos, we should have hip-hop music in the background.  And if we really want to connect with these people, the wording of our message should make heavy use of current ghetto slang, like “Ho!” and “Beotch!”

Now, most of my fellow Republicans don’t know this, but a lot of these 47-percenters actually DO work.  They just don’t earn much money, so they’re not required to pay any federal income taxes.  (Christ, what a bunch of losers!)

But we need to grit our teeth and reach out to these people too.  When we tailor our ads to this group, the most important thing is for the announcer to use small words and talk very slowly.  I mean come on, these people’s annual incomes are somewhere down in the five-figure zone, so they’re obviously not too bright.  But they vote, and we need to communicate with them.

Anyway, you get the idea.  This country is full of parasites and leeches, but if we want to win any more elections, we need to reach out to these bums and connect with them.

Republicans DETERMINED to Eliminate the Post Office

When there’s no more socialized mail delivery, Voter Suppression laws can finally be enforced.  What’s the use of making voters show fourteen pieces of I.D. — plus receipts for country club dues — if these peons can just bypass the whole Jim Crow process and vote through the mail?

Not only that:  FedEx and UPS are expecting something in return for all their multi-jillion dollar “campaign contributions” to rightwing politicians:  namely, putting an end to that commie Public Option for mail delivery.

Step One:  require the United States Postal Service to pay — in advance — for the retirement pensions of all future employees for the next seventy-five years.  That’ll fix ‘em!

In response, the Post Office came up with their own austerity program:  eliminating Saturday mail delivery.  It saves money, and most of the public is OK with it.  Everybody wins, right?

But now congressional Republicans are insisting that the Post Office continue with Saturday mail delivery.  Part of last Wednesday’s spending measure — to keep the government afloat through September — requires the U.S. Postal Service to CONTINUE Saturday mail delivery.  This was passed almost entirely along party lines; 137 House Democrats voted against it.

If Republicans aren’t trying to bankrupt and eliminate the Post Office, then what IS their motive?

Picture this:

You’ve declared bankruptcy, and a debt counselor is forcing you to make some brutal sacrifices.  After some painful soul searching, you’ve finally come up with a plan.  You’ll sell your car and start taking the bus everywhere.  You’ll cancel your cable TV subscription and your gym membership, and you’ll by all your groceries at Discount Foods R Us instead of Whole Foods.

And your debt counselor disapproves your plan; insists you keep your car, cable TV, gym membership and keep shopping at health food stores.  You’d be a little suspicious, right?

If Republicans actually have a non-ulterior motive for forcing the Post Office to continue Saturday mail delivery, I’d sure like to know what it is.

Wall Street’s Prostitute of the Quarter: Richard Shelby

Senator Richard Shelby (R—Skank) has come up with yet another sleazy method for derailing the Wall Street Reform Act.

The Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act was designed to prevent the banking industry from crashing the global economy again like they did in 2008.  Most Americans don’t want another financial meltdown; Republicans apparently do.

Congressional Republican prostitutes — acting on orders from their Wall Street owners — have repeated tried to sabotage any and all reform of the banking laws (or lack thereof) which led to the 2008 crash.  They tried frantically to prevent the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) — which was part of the Wall Street Reform Act — from being created.  When that didn’t work, they vowed to filibuster ANY nominee to head this new agency, knowing that the agency couldn’t function fully without somebody in charge.

And now Wall Street’s favorite call girl, Richard Shelby, has introduced legislation to require a cost-benefit analysis of ALL new financial regulations.  If a financial regulation’s costs outweigh its benefits, it can NOT be implemented.

And who exactly would be doing this “analysis?”  According to a Reuters spokesman, “Quantifying costs and benefits objectively is notoriously difficult and the result tends to depend on who is doing the measuring.”

This phony “cost-benefit” analysis has been a favorite Republican gimmick since at least the early 1990s.  For some odd reason, they only worry about costs versus benefits when it’s a law they don’t want.  I don’t recall the War on Drugs ever being submitted to a cost-benefit analysis.  Or the Right’s constant crackdowns on abortion.  Or Dumbya’s invasion of Iraq…

Republican Party’s “unquenchable thirst to hurt the needy”

Alan Grayson’s description is spot on.  Thank God he’s back in Congress, after being swept out in the Teatard Tsunami of 2010.

Congressional reps Alan Grayson (Florida) and Mark Takano (Calif.) have announced that they’re drawing a “line in the sand” against President Obama bending over too far to placate the GOP.  Grayson said cuts to certain social programs are “unconscionable,” and Progressives need to rally against the GOP’s “unquenchable thirst to hurt the needy.”

Grayson and Takano have written a letter to the president saying they’re strongly opposed to any cuts in Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, “including raising the retirement age or cutting the cost of living adjustments that our constituents earned and need.”

They’re hoping other Democrats will sign the letter.

The two congressmen were joined in a conference call by National Organization for Women president Terry O’Neill, who said:

“Women are far more likely to be entirely reliant on Social Security for their monthly income because they work a lifetime at unequal pay.”

And she pointed out that two thirds of minimum wage jobs are held by women, and these jobs are less likely to offer health coverage or retirement pensions.

Grayson added that cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are “cheating old people, cheating sick people and cheating poor people.  It used to be that there was consensus on this.  It used to be that Democrats and Republicans agreed that there should not be cuts in benefits to Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid. People used to call Social Security the third rail of American politics. But now, Republicans are not only touching the third rail, they’re dancing on it.”

May they all get electrocuted.

Urgent! DEA must Crack Down Immediately on States That Have Legalized Marijuana!

Quick, before it’s too late!

Eight retired Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) chiefs simultaneously woke up from their afternoon naps, poked their heads out of their assisted living facilities and did their best Rip Van Winkle impressions:

“Oh my God!  It’s 2013!  That there Killer Weed is LEGAL in two states, decriminalized in several other states, and some states even allow people to smoke marijuana for ‘medicinal’ purposes.  NOOO!!!”

One of the retired DEA chiefs, Peter Bensinger, came out of his Thorazine stupor long enough to start blubbering about a “domino effect” if the federal government doesn’t crack down IMMEDIATELY — before it’s too late! — on these offending states:

“My fear is that the Justice Department will do what they are doing now:  do nothing and say nothing.  If they don’t act now, these laws will be fully implemented in a matter of months.”

[gasp!]

And here I was, worrying over trivia like the economy and environmental destruction.  Well, I stand corrected.  We need to crack down NOW on this Reefer Madness, this, this Assassin of Youth!

And for the first time Ever, Rightwingers are looking to the United Nations for support.  What???  Those globalist thugs who are planning to invade America, ram their environmental agenda down her throat and steal her property rights?!?

According to these eight DEA has-beens, the International Narcotics Control Board — a U.N. agency — has the U.S. Justice Department in a straitjacket because of international drug treaties.

Well, that settles that.  When the U.N. tells America to do something, America obeys.  Or Else!  That’s why we didn’t invade Iraq — or overthrow the governments of Iran and countless Latin American countries — and that’s why we’ve signed all these international treaties to fight climate change.

And we’re all familiar with the absolute power of the U..N.  If it weren’t for the United Nations, North Korea would be threatening the world with nuclear missile attacks; al Qaeda thugs would be terrorizing the citizens of Mali; Israel would be smothering the Palestinians with thousands of new Israeli settlements…

Well, I can’t take any more of those horrifying fantasies.  Unthinkable!  Thank God for the protective arm of the United Nations.

I guess we’ll have to do what they tell us.

Bicycles Cause More Pollution Than Cars

We all have so much to learn from Republicans.  Rape doesn’t cause pregnancy if it was a legitimate rape.  The fetus is the largest organ in the body.  And now:  bicycles cause more pollution than cars.

This scientific breakthrough comes to us from state Rep. Ed Orcutt (R—Washington).  Yes, even liberal Washington has its share of wingtards.  Actually, his arguments make a certain amount of sense, IF you put on your Republican Goggles and tighten them to the max:

“If I am not mistaken, a cyclists [sic] has an increased heart rate and respiration. That means that the act of riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed to be a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride.”

Oh My God.  Do you realize what this means???  Exercise — in any form — is ruining our atmosphere.  We’ve been so misguided all along, blaming fossil fuels for air pollution and climate change.  The real problem is those damn bicyclists, joggers, skateboarders, power walkers — and anybody who plays sports or works out.

The best way to protect the atmosphere is to stay firmly rooted to the couch.  And drink lots of cold beer so you won’t sweat.  And lose the organic fibrous foods.  If you’re all bloated and constipated from eating nothing but meat and starch, you won’t be cutting any of those ozone-depleting farts.

The Sequester: The Sky Has Fallen!

They actually went ahead and let it happen.  GOOD.

I was sure both sides would come swooping in at 11:59 last night and announce breathlessly that a deal had been reached; our heroes had saved the day.  [swoon]  Maybe both sides have finally figured out that the public is getting bored with these phony “crises” being created and then magically resolved at the last minute.

Everyone was warned that these automatic budget cuts would happen if a deal couldn’t be reached.  As Paul Krugman said, these cuts were “designed to be stupid.  The whole point was, this was supposed to be a doomsday device that would force the parties to reach an agreement. Of course, they didn’t, and here it goes.”

It’s been amusing to watch conservatives pleading and groveling to spare the Pentagon from any budget cuts.  Since these defense cuts have made us so helpless and vulnerable, there’ll probably be a terrorist attack any minute now.

Making these budget cuts across the board is the only way to do it.  Any dimwit could balance the budget overnight by just deleting those programs he/she doesn’t like.

The first sequester casualty:  the Blue Angels might be getting their wings clipped.  I saw them perform in downtown San Francisco a long time ago.  Thrilling to watch, but a little nerve-wracking seeing them dart between and among the skyscrapers.  Occasionally the San Francisco Chronicle would print a letter pointing out the danger of having jets swooping so close to skyscrapers.  And there were always a few responses to the effect of “You F#%$&! pansy!”  “You hate Freedom!”

And a Chronicle columnist once wrote that the Blue Angels were so loud, they almost drowned out the rap music coming from somebody’s car stereo.