Far Right: “Honduras Did It. Why Can’t We??!?!?!?”

Wingtards, Rightwads: Your country needs you! Socialists are tightening their stranglehold on our great nation, and what are we doing about it? It’s fine that our Exulted Grand Caliph sits there and passively says “I hope he fails.”

But that’s not enough.

What can we do? Let’s look to our shining inspiration to the South.

It’s been sixteen years since the last rightwing military coup in Central America. And if you’re sitting in your double-wide frying something as you read this, you probably agree: that’s sixteen years too long!

What do you do when some limpwristed commie tries to redistribute wealth, remove all incentive to work and destroy our moral fiber? Send in the cavalry!

Of course our CEOs and robber barons — and the government they’ve purchased — don’t care about us. But if we have a limited government that lets them do exactly what they want when they want, some of their wealth will trickle down to us. Prosperity is just around the corner.

And we can always count on the Army to make things right. Liberal politicians come and go, but soldiers always embody those bedrock values that made America great. With a godless Communist desecrating our White House, our troops will be champing at the bit to come storming in and —

Oh. Nevermind.

Clarence Thomas: “Get Your Clothes Off, Bitch!”

Thank God the Supreme Court still has one — ONE!!! — purveyor of decency. You’d expect those leftwing pansies on the Court to fall for that liberal hogwash about “Constitutional rights.”

But what happened to Roberts, Alito, Scalia? They’ve turned into a bunch of pussy RINOs. They're a DISGRACE to the Republican Party! Some filthy teenage drug addict has the “right” not to be strip-searched???

PSSSST — Clarence, didja get a good view? [wink]

In 2003, a 13-year-old girl was accused by her school of having possession of — brace yourself now — prescription-strength Ibuprofen. [gasp]

Vice Principal Kerry Wilson brought the girl into his office to search her backpack. No Ibuprofen was found. She was sent to a nurse’s office and ordered by the nurse and an administrative assistant to take off her shirt and pants. Then they told her to move her bra to the side and to stretch her underwear waistband, so they could get a gooooood look. Damn it, where’s she hiding those drugs?!?!?!?!?

Liberals and Pagans are all whining about this strip-search being “unconstitutional.” Fortunately, Clarence Thomas was having none of that. Our Last Bastion of Decency said:

“It was eminently reasonable to conclude the backpack was empty because Redding was secreting the pills in a place she thought no one would look. Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments. Nor will she be the last after today's decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school.”

Now, without trying to alarm anybody needlessly — those Ibuprofen tablets are still at large. And let me close with this sobering statistic: 98% of all OxyContin addicts started off on Ibuprofen.

cross-posted at Bring On The Trolls!

The Crusades: Progress Report

Two Steps Forward. The Nation of Jesus is gradually making inroads against those primitive Moslem savages who dare to stand in our way. Our president — the Real President, not that socialist imposter — told us we were on a crusade, and Lieutenant General William Boykin confirms it. He refers to America’s military forces as the Army of God.

Hallelujah!

And Lieutenant-Colonel Gary Hensley has told soldiers in Afghanistan that as followers of Jesus Christ, they have a responsibility “to be witnesses for him. The special forces guys — they hunt men basically. We do the same things as Christians, we hunt people for Jesus. We do, we hunt them down. Get the hound of heaven after them, so we get them into the kingdom. That's what we do, that's our business.”

Bring ‘em home to Jesus!

So what if these backward people hate us? We have bigger weapons than they do, and our god can beat up their god.

And One Step Back: Obama is talking to the enemy! Our Real President sent soldiers over to that Godforsaken part of the world, to show them Ay-rabs who’s boss. And now that Muslim occupant is talking to them.

That’s appeasement! Just wait ‘til Dick Cheney hears about this.

Congress: Steamroll Over the NO Party and Pass Health Insurance Reform. Now.

Why are the Democrats worrying about “bipartisanship” when it comes to reforming America’s antiquated health coverage? There’s a reason the Republicans got trounced in the last two elections. They need to wallow in their minority status until they learn something. They have absolutely no “plan” whatsoever for health coverage, and they never did. They can shut the fuck up now.

Sure, now they’re trotting out all kinds of slogans and “compromises” so they can pretend they care. They don’t. For twelve years they controlled Congress. They had plenty of time to do something about our dismal health coverage.

When they took control of Congress in the 1994 election, the first thing they did was derail Clinton’s health care proposals. After that, their only “plan” was to take millions of dollars worth of bribes from the health insurance lobby in return for doing absolutely nothing.

The latest polls show that most Americans want the option of a government-financed health plan, EVEN IF it means paying higher taxes. So what are we waiting for??? Pass it already. Move it!

And here are two more shining examples of why the Cro-Magnon Party is so popular. Childhood Hunger? Oh come on, it builds character, according to Rep. Cynthia Davis (R-Missouri). In response to a report that one out of five Missouri children experiences hunger, she said:

“Churches and other non-profits can do this at no cost to the taxpayer if it is warranted.....Bigger governmental programs take away our connectedness to the human family, our brotherhood and our need for one another.....Anyone under 18 can be eligible? Can’t they get a job during the summer by the time they are 16? Hunger can be a positive motivator.”

Since the early ‘90s, Republicans have been scaring the shit out of Americans with “you won’t even get to choose your own doctor!” and “you’ll wait six months just to get an emergency appointment!” So why should they stop now?

In between grovelings and gyratings at the feet of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Steele went into hysterics about a national health ID system and a “health police” that would force everyone to have regular checkups:

“Well you’ll get issued, Doc, you’re gonna issue, to your patients, a health care card that’s gonna be part of a national ID system that, you know, every time I charge something or use that card, it’s going to show up on a grid what I’ve done and what I have failed to do, according to the government plan. So the government will know whether or not I’ve had my physical at the appropriate time and then probably some health police will come knocking on my door telling me I’m now costing the system money because I haven’t, you know, gone and done my preventive care.”

Oh My God. Big Brother will be gawking at or private parts while we're being examined! Well, we certainly don’t want that, do we. I guess we’d better just leave our health care system the way it is.

Gee, why does this party keep losing elections again?

Prison-Industrial Complex Employee of the Quarter: Mark Kirk

Or, if you aren’t a member of the Prison-Industrial Complex, you’d probably nominate Congressman Mark Kirk (R-Illinois) for Shitstain of the Year.

With all of the overwhelming mind-numbing problems we’re facing — global financial meltdown, health insurance meltdown, being quagmired in two wars (or is it three now?) — what does Mark Kirk think our biggest problem is? You guessed it — Prison sentences are too lenient for people who smoke marijuana.

And Mark “Short Eyes” Kirk isn’t just talking the talk. He’s introducing legislation to require a 25-year prison sentence for anyone selling or “distributing” marijuana that has a THC content of 15% or higher. And this includes first time offenders.

If you’ve smoked marijuana before (fess up!), you know that most pot isn’t sold by a wicked drug kingpin who eats children and pets for breakfast. A joint gets passed around at a party. A friend asks you if you have a spare joint or two until tomorrow. That’s Distributing. Twenty-five years!

While you’re wondering how a U.S. Congressman could possibly be such a lowly pus-eating douchebag, here’s something else to ponder: He’s already been re-elected to Congress four times.

To paraphrase the Christian saying “hate the sin, not the sinner” — Don’t hate the douchebag in Congress. Hate the retarded slack-jawed vacant-eyed idiots who voted for him. These people give inbreeding a bad name.

If you’d like to e-mail Mark Kirk and tell him what you think of him, here’s how. Even if he can’t read, he probably has a staff member who can.

Sotomayor Doesn’t Speak for US

John Cornyn (R—AllHatNoCattle) might not know nothin’ about that there Political Correctness, but he speaks for us. Millions of us old white over-the-hill males are frantically clinging to the America we remember. Or maybe we just imagined it, but who cares?

And us aging has-beens have had it up to here with these damn minorities taking over the government. We’ve already got a nigra in the White House, isn’t that enough? And now they want to put a Meskin woman on the Supreme Court. Thank God for John Cornyn. He said Sotomayor needs to tell us whether she’ll be a Supreme Court Justice “for all of us, or just for some of us.”

Praise The Lord!

She ain't one of us, and that's all there is to it. Think about it. Suppose you’re enjoying your weekly Ku Klux Klan rally, and some lawyer tries to stop you from burning a cross. Even if it’s on your own property! You think this Sotomayor woman is gonna help you? She’s a Meskin. She’d probably be on THEIR side!

Or let’s say you’re networking at the country club, and somebody threatens to sue the club. You’re not being nice enough to the hired help, or you don’t want any Jews on the premises, you know what I’m saying. You think Sotomayor is gonna relate to your situation? She grew up in one of those welfare housing projects. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be a successful white man.

We hope she fails!

District Attorney J. Gregory Damm Is Watching YOU

The Las Vegas Review-Journal had an online article about a tax fraud case against a local business owner. And now the editor has been ordered to reveal the identities of some of the people who made anonymous online comments about the prosecution.

The subpoena was issued by U.S. Assistant District Attorney J. Gregory Damm, who’s prosecuting the case. Damm is demanding not only the real names of the people who posted anonymous comments. He also wants to know the gender, street address, date of birth, phone number, Internet Service Provider, IP and credit card numbers of each and every one of those radical First Amendment terrorists.

What country is this again?

The newspaper editor, Thomas Mitchell, is planning to fight the subpoena. Let’s hope he wins, or we’re all going down a slippery slope. If you’re homeless and have no phone, ISP, credit cards or a pot to piss in, you still have your Constitutional rights. Please visit the nearest public computer and call U.S. Assistant District Attorney J. Gregory Damm the vilest names you can think of. And his mother too.

The rest of us — don’t even think about it. We’re being WATCHED.

*************************************

Isn’t that terrible what’s going on over in Iran? Some people are saying that Ahmadinejad stole the election. That’s just shocking! Unthinkable!!

Stupid Human Tricks

Sometimes it seems like the human race is just getting dumber and dumber.

Making English the official language. STILL???? Aren’t these retarded meaningless non-issues ever going to fade away? Nashville city councilman Eric Crafton is trying to get an English-only initiative on the city ballot. Nashville voters have already rejected an English-only measure. But hey, if you keep doing the same thing over and over, maybe you’ll get a different result someday.

Think of all the serious problems we’re facing, and some douchebag thinks our gravest threat is that swarthy foreigners are walking around talkin’ all funny like.

This five-minute video gives a brief glimpse into the mind-boggling technological and demographic changes that will be happening globally over the next few years. “Future Shock” doesn’t even begin to describe it. And yet some buttwipe is having a tantrum because English isn’t the official — er, I mean “offical” — language.

Sometimes a person is so dense and so small-minded, you just wish you could stand in front of him and wave your hand slowly in front of his face — like you do when someone is daydreaming — and yell “Snap out of it! HELLLOOO!!!”

And more Stupid Human Tricks: Remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine were calling an ambulance? While Jerry was dialing the phone, Elaine says “tell them to hurry.” Jerry looks at her with that look of exasperation and forced patience — like you’re talking to a very slow 3rd grader — and says “it’s an ambulance!”

Well, sometimes those slow 3rd graders grow up to become police officers. Oklahoma state trooper Daniel Martin forced an ambulance driver to pull over after the ambulance driver failed to yield right of way to the officer. “It’s an ambulance! With a patient inside!!”

DUUUHHH!!!

Does the Oklahoma State Police Department have any sort of IQ test for job applicants?

Corporate America: “Help! Rescue Me! OK, Thank You, Now Get Out of Here.”

During the late ‘60s and early ‘70s there was a popular joke about the overheard conversation of a radical/hippie couple:

“OK, I’m gonna pick up my welfare check, and then I’ll stop by the government housing office and see if I can get an increase in our rent subsidy. You’ll be picking up your unemployment check, and then you’re gonna see how they’re coming along with that government grant money you’re getting. And then at five o’clock we’ll meet at that big protest rally so we can demonstrate against this rotten Fascist government.”

A long time ago I had this old curmudgeonly coworker who used to rail against foreign aid. He’d hold out one hand, palm facing up, and say “They beg for a handout, like this. And then when we hand them the money, they thank us like this.” And he’d close up three fingers of his hand, leaving his middle finger extended.

(Yes I’m going somewhere with this.)

And now Big Business has jumped on the bandwagon. “Thank you for my trillion-dollar handout. Now get the fuck out of my face.”

This article says: “Not so long ago, business and policymakers alike were calling for Uncle Sam to step in and stop the bleeding.” Now that We The Taxpayers have saved them, how are the ungrateful bastards thanking us?

Take John A. Allison IV (please!), chairman of BB&T Bank: “They're making business decisions in a way that is political. Where does it stop? The people making the decisions don't have the knowledge of the industries, of the institutions, to make good business decisions.”

Riiight. These business decisions should be made by the same retarded fuckwits that got us into this shithole in the first place. DUUUHHH!!!

And now the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is launching their “Campaign for Free Enterprise.” They’re saying that “capitalism is at a crossroads,” and they’re rallying the Herbert Hoover wannabes to “defend and advance America's free enterprise values in the face of rapid government growth and attacks by anti-business activists … one of the most important and necessary initiatives in the Chamber's nearly 100-year history.” And they’re calling for “a transparent exit strategy to ensure the timely withdrawal of the federal government from these most extreme and unusual forms of intervention.”

“Capitalism is at a crossroads” — Uh, I would’ve thought the “crossroads” was last September when the shit hit the fan. Oh wait, that’s right, “the fundamentals of the economy were strong” back then. The trouble didn’t start until those damn government bureaucrats started meddling. OK, got it now.

And now, of all times, the rightwads are calling for an “exit strategy.” An “Exit Strategy?!?!?!?!?” Now?????? Where was this “Exit Strategy” when we needed one????

Animals’ Rights — How Our Laws and Attitudes Have Changed

The news is still full of horrifying reports of animal cruelty. (Calling all vigilantes.) But it could be that these stories only make the news because of people’s attitudes. Millions of people are horrified and enraged by animal abuse.

Our laws still aren’t strict enough — what’s-his-name is out of jail already — but the laws are stricter than they used to be.

This heart-breaking infuriating true story — from 1965 — led to the passage of a strong (stronger anyway) animal protection bill in Congress.

This article really captures the heartbreak of a family whose Dalmatian was kidnapped for medical research. And it shows the huge underground network involved in capturing thousands of dogs and cats — strays, feral, household pets, it didn’t matter — and smuggling them into laboratories.

This is a long article but it’s a good read, as infuriating as it is. The article makes really lifelike three-dimensional portrayals of the main characters — villains and good Samaritans alike. It’s like Stephen King’s best stories, where you feel like you know some of the characters by the end of the book.

Since this happened 44 years ago, most of these people are probably dead by now.

This story pushes just about every negative emotional button there is, but it’s a real page-turner (or whatever the online equivalent would be). If you’re like me, you probably wish you could time-travel back to 1965 and perform a few “experiments” on Jack Clark, Bill Miller and Arthur Nersesian. And hold the anesthesia.

But things have slowly improved in the last forty-four years. Haven’t they?

“Obama Has Already Failed”

It must be nice to live inside a huge bubble, totally shielded from the outside world. Disappointment, finding out you’ve made a bad choice or a wrong prediction — these painful realities never happen inside Wingnut World ™.

Come and join Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh and the other delusional Man-Children in their little fantasy world, “with trees and flowers and chirping birds…where life is beautiful all the time…”

When you’re living in Wingnut World ™, whatever you want to be true — becomes true. All you have to do is announce what you want to happen, and it happens. Wishes are horses.

Not too long ago, Rush Limbaugh said about President Obama “I hope he fails.” And so — this is the Wingnut World ™ version of the Make-A-Wish Foundation — Newt Gingrich came walking up to little Rushie, patted him on the head, and announced that Obama “has already failed.”

And that’s all there is to it. See how easy that was? When you live inside your own little bubble, reality never gets in the way. The sky is whatever color you want it to be.

After a hard day of creating their own fantasy world, it was time for Rush and Newt to have some fun playing in the sandbox. And after that — fingerpainting!

Health Insurance Industry: “Competition?!?!?!?!?!?? NOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Our Free Market Conservatives have suddenly unlearned all of their favorite slogans from the last few decades. “Competition.” “Let the marketplace sort everything out.” “A private company will ALWAYS be more efficient than a bunch of bureaucrats who can’t get fired.”

OK then, let’s put these theories to the test. Let’s have a good old-fashioned rough-and-tumble marketplace competition: the ultra-powerful multi-billion-dollar health insurance industry versus those lazy inept government bureaucrats. Let’s give consumers a choice. Isn’t that how the “Free Market” is supposed to work?

HMOs can keep doing what they're doing, and their only “competition” will be against a bunch of inefficient bumbling paper-shuffling bureaucrats. No contest. Piece of cake! Right???

Uh oh. That “thwoopft” sound you just heard was thousands of HMO executives pulling their heads in like a bunch of turtles. And now they’re all cowering in the fetal position.

If Obama’s health reform program includes a government-run insurance plan, the party’s over for HMOs. Gouging, denying coverage, dropping longtime customers like a hot potato as soon as they file a claim — up in smoke.

Of course they can’t word it that way — not in public anyway. So the health insurance industry has instructed their prostitutes in Congress to frame the issue. Spin the hell out of it. Hardworking dedicated entrepreneurs — the backbone of this great nation — will be driven out of business by our powergrabbing socialist government. They’ll have the rug pulled out from under them. The health insurance industry will be RUINED.

Grandpa Blueshield founded his company on a shoestring. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps, and after decades of backbreaking work, he turned his small family business into a great empire. And now his labor of love is about to be plundered and destroyed by faceless government bureaucrats.

Karen Ignagni, one of the health insurance industry’s most powerful lobbyists, claims that if a government-run insurance plan sets premiums “too low,” the private market will be “unable” to compete and they’ll go out of business. So what’s your point?

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said: “The bottom line is that a government-run insurance program is the first step toward a national single-payer system.” And……….?????!?!?!?!?????

If a government-run health insurance plan sets premiums and payments “too low” and doesn’t yank the rug out from under its customers, the private health insurance industry will adapt. Either that or they’ll go under. That’s the “Free Market” in action.

FedEx and UPS haven’t been driven out of business by the Post Office. There are thousands of private schools that don’t seem to be jeopardized by our public school system.

If or when a government health insurance plan gets established, private insurance companies will adapt and compete and do whatever it takes to survive. Or they’ll go the way of the Dodo and the Passenger Pigeon.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

The Conservative Mentality: An Explanation

As infuriating as these people are, this article gives us a chance to understand them. Learning what makes them tick might not necessarily change their behavior. But if we understand the causes of their affliction, we might view them with pity instead of loathing. Sympathy for the Devil.

In any case, as The Art of War says: “Know Your Enemy.”

For one thing, conservatives are squeamish. They’re grossed out easily. Bugs, the sight of blood — anything that’s “icky” — just makes them squirm and recoil. And this squeamishness is the reason they hate homosexuals. They’re grossed out at the thought of two people of the same sex “doing it,” so they want it banned. It has absolutely nothing to do with the Bible or anything “Holy.” It’s “Disgusting” — end of story. Ban it. Get rid of it. Get it out of my sight.

Another conservative trait is tidiness. Neatness. Order. Anal retention.

Sometimes these two characteristics — tidiness and squeamishness — will combine to form a very odd subspecies: Chickenhawkus Americus.

This specimen will look at a map, an article, a chart, etc., and start forming a neat orderly picture of how everything “should” be. Let’s get all of our ducks in a row. The police need to crack down on those unsightly homeless people (drug users, homosexuals, hippies, liberals, you name it). We need to march into all of these primitive/ leftist/ Muslim countries and straighten everything out. Right now.

While fantasizing about making everything neat and tidy and “nice,” the Chickenhawkus Americus will simultaneously squirm and gag at the thought of actually — personally! — contributing anything to this effort. “But, I, I might have to run, and do pushups, and start sweating and panting. Eewww!!! I, I could get hurt! Mommy?!?!?!?!?”

Now that we understand the nature of their affliction, let’s try to conjure up some sympathy for these people…

Oh well, easier said than done.

When Homophobes Get Outed

That’s right, yank those bigots out of the closet. Lift up that rock and let the sunlight bore in and wilt those hatemongers.

The Washington state legislature has passed (and the governor has signed) a law known as “Everything But Marriage.” It gives gay couples all of the rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples, but officially it isn’t marriage.

As soon as the law was passed, a “Christian” hate group reared its head, determined to overturn this Satanic law at the ballot box. Referendum 71 has until late July to get the required number of signatures to qualify for an initiative next November.

The “Everything But Marriage” law is now on hold until the late July deadline, if there aren’t enough signatures. If the petition does get enough signatures, then the law will be on hold until after the results of the November election.

And this is where the plot thickens: a gay rights group has created a website which will reveal the names of everybody who signed the petition to overturn Everything But Marriage.

Gotcha! Come on, time to come out blinking into the sunlight and show us who you are.

The website is called WhoSigned.org.

This is just too poetic. There’s a certain vindictive pleasure in seeing a small-minded bigot get yanked out of his hiding place and revealed to the world. Show your face, Redneck!

But is this right? What if the shoe was on the other foot?

I personally can’t think of any petition I’ve ever signed that I’m ashamed of and wouldn’t want anybody else to find out about. But still, this could be a slippery slope.

What say you?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Burning Issue for the American Legion

Right now we’re quagmired in two countries. Make that three if you count Pakistan. North Korea has the world on edge. We have tens of thousands of disabled and neglected soldiers and veterans.

With so much going on, guess what issue the American Legion is most worked up about. Right you are — a flag burning amendment.

[sigh]

How’s that for priorities?

Here’s a link to the American Legion Magazine. Most of their articles aren’t available online, including this one.

Here’s a link to part of the interview between the American Legion Magazine and Richard D. Parker, the Harvard Law professor who’s obsessed with amending the Constitution to “protect” the flag.

Nero fiddled while Rome burned.

cross-posted at Bring It On!