Oklahoma: “We Don’t Want None of Them There Christians In These Parts”

Two examples of Not Smart:

1. Giving your 3-year-old child a pack of matches and saying “here, go play in the hayloft.”

2. Giving a bunch of braindead illiterate legislators some writin’ utensils and saying “here, pass us a law crackin’ down on them thar homasexials.”

Nice try, Inbreds.

The Oklahoma state senate passed a law allowing Oklahoma to sleaze their way out of the federal hate crimes bill passed by Congress last year. The state law was supposed to allow local law enforcement to ignore the part of the federal statute that defines attacks on gays as a hate crime.

BUT — and this is what happens when you ask a kindergartner to solve an advanced trigonometry problem — the Oklahoma senate cited the wrong clause in the federal statute. Wrong Way Corrigan!

Instead, the legislators exempted Oklahoma from the federal clause that defines an attack based on “religion, race or ethnicity” as a hate crime. Doh! Thanks to Oklahoma’s Keystone lawmakers, you can now assault somebody based on his/her religion or race and NOT be charged with a hate crime. But gays ARE still protected by the federal hate crimes statute.

Oklahoma’s legislators — after they’ve wiped all that egg off their faces — will undoubtedly fix their “mistake.” (Then again, you know what Freud said about “mistakes.”) But in the meantime — “Hey, let’s beat the shit out of that White Christian over there. The cops can’t do anything about it.”

***********************************************

Uh oh: Get ready for ……[cue the Jaws theme music]……Son of Potatoe Head. Or would that be Potatoeheadson?

Ben Quayle (yes, Dan’s son) is running for Congress. He’s running for the seat being vacated by Rep. John Shadegg (R-Arizona).

Ben Quayle’s platform is to reduce taxes and increase border security. Sounds a little contradictory to me, unless the Tooth Fairy is going to build us a nice big border fence, free of charge.

Anti-American Terrorist Group Comprised of — Ahem, Uhh — sssshhhhh….

Saving the country from a domestic terrorist attack is important and all that. But political correctness comes first and foremost. You’ll remember last year when Janet Napolitano set off a firestorm when she warned about the threat of domestic terrorists.

No no, the hysterical reaction wasn’t based on fear of an attack. The Homeland Security chief mentioned that some of these militia members were veterans — and the Rightwing Inbred Machine had themselves a Super-Soundbite.

Veterans! The Obama Administration slanders veterans! Democrats hate the troops!

And now, the domestic terrorist group du jour is made up of — nothing personal here or anything, but — Christians.

Damn, talk about timing! The Right spends months gearing up for the annual War on Christmas. They could have turned this into a War on Easter, if only these terrorists had been caught a month or two ago. But Easter is just six days away. How will they spin this?

Nevertheless, Christians are being persecuted. Kill a bunch of police officers in the name of Jesus, and that damn liberal media will be all over your case.

Hutaree is a Christian militia group based in Michigan. Nine of their members have been charged with conspiring to kill law enforcement officers. Their followup plan was to attack a police funeral procession so they could kill some more police officers. This in turn would be the catalyst for a larger uprising against the government.

The leader of this gang is David Brian Stone, aka “Captain Hutaree.” Stone’s son Joshua, also a member, is being sought by police. Stone’s ex-wife told reporters:

“It started out as a Christian thing. You go to church. You pray. You take care of your family. I think David started to take it a little too far.”

…no comment…

Here’s a link to their website, which is “Temporarily Unavailable.” Hutaree is a “secret” word that means Christian Warrior. A secret word??? Sounds like that Night Gallery episode where this mythology professor starts mutating after he speaks the names of a few ancient gods and demons who aren’t supposed to be named.

The Hutaree — oops, I said it again — view all law enforcement officers as an “enemy brotherhood.” It doesn’t matter whether they’re local, state, federal, United Nations — they’re all The Enemy.

After Hutaree completed Step Two — setting off a bomb at a police funeral — Step Three was for members to retreat to a few “rally points” which were protected by trip-wire explosive devices. And here, the Christian Soldiers would batten down for their long bloody war with the United States government.

Do we still have any of those secret prisons in Uzbekistan where these perverts could be rendered?

Fifteen — FIFTEEN!! — Recess Appointments

A president’s gotta do what a president’s gotta do. The Party of “Cross Your Arms, Thrust Out Your Lower Lip and Stamp Your Feet” has left Obama with no other choice.

Obama is making fifteen recess appointments. Finally he can fill some of these positions that have been vacant for eons, thanks to the ongoing Republican Poutfest.

Republicans — unable to make the simplest cognitive connection that most 5-year-olds could make — are throwing a hissyfit. Non-Republicans, however, shouldn’t have any trouble making the connection.

If a highway is closed because of roadwork and there’s a detour sign — if any Republicans are reading this, try to keep up here — drivers who need to get from Point A to Point B are going to follow the detour. Pretty simple, no?

Republicans spent eight years blocking so many of President Clinton’s judicial nominees that when Dumbya took over — Presto! — Wow, look at all these judicial vacancies we can fill.

The National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) has been functioning for the past two years with only two board members. There are supposed to be FIVE. Obama will appoint Craig Becker and Mark Pearce to the NLRB. The Oligarchs and their Republican prostitutes have had a special hard-on for Craig Becker. He’s a pro-labor lawyer who’s worked for the AFL-CIO and the Service Employees International Union.

A pro-labor lawyer serving on the National Labor Relations Board?!?!?!? The henhouse is supposed to be guarded by a FOX, Goddamn it!

Obama has a total of 217 nominees who are still pending. Thirty-four of them have been pending for more than six months. I think Obama should appoint all 34 of them — or all 217 of them for that matter — during this recess period.

If the Republicans want to keep pushing themselves further and further out to the margins, let ‘em. Apparently they’d rather be forty-one pitiful little waifs standing outside, looking in, with their noses pressed up against the window pane. (Name that tune.)

Works for me.

My Trip to Searchlight, Nevada

On Saturdy, March 27th, me and ten thousand other peeple just like me, took a trip to Searchlight, Nevada. We went their to hold a demmonstr, uhh, deminstrat, ughh... a protest march. Hairy Reed lives their and he doesn’t like Freedom. And he hates Libbertee.

He’s an eevil agent of that colored boy in the white house. Their ruining America with socalized medicin.

Me and my frends went to Hairy Reeds home town to do some teabagging. I don’t even no what that means, but are group is called teabaggers, so I gess I was teabagging. Whatever it was, I liked it.

Sarah Palin gave a speech and we all clapped and yelled while we were teabagging. She’s purdy, and she was talking about freedom and libbertee and America and good things like that.

I made some signs to carry when I was teabagging. One sign said “Don’t Tred On Mee” and the other one said “You’re Helth, You’re Problim.”

Hear are some pictures of me and my frends.

And hear is anuther one.

Wee had fun. I want to go teabagging agin.

Tom Coburn: “Have You Kicked An Unemployed Person Today?”

No, this isn’t last month’s news that accidentally slipped into today’s news cycle. The Oligarchs are doing the same thing again today.

Last month Senator Jim Bunning (R—Cocksucker) put a hold on unemployment benefits for millions of American workers. And Senator Tom Coburn (R—Malpractice) thought that was such a neat idea, he’s doing it too.

Because of Tom Coburn’s little tantrum, people who have been out of work for six months will lose their benefits, temporarily if not permanently. And people who have just now been thrown out of work will have an indefinite delay in receiving jobless benefits.

The Senate will try to resolve this issue when they return from Spring Break in two and a half weeks.

Tom Coburn justified his bullying frenzy with:

“Because I can. And anyway, poor people smell like sour milk, huh huh huh huh huh. Hey, did I tell you, my mommy and daddy are cousins. And I’m a doctor. Spread ‘em, huh huh huh huh.”

Senator Dick Durbin summed up the difference between Democrats and Republicans:

“We really believe that the unemployment situation is an emergency economic situation. Republicans do not.”

Dick Armey: Teabagged By His Own Teabaggers

Just as surely as the Black Widow kills her mate, herds of stampeding Teabaggers will kill other members of the herd (figuratively) — even the leader of the herd — over the tiniest disagreements.

Dr. Frankenstein is just about to be killed by the monster he created. Dick Armey, founder of FreedomWorks and probably the best known icon of the teabagging craze, might be pushed out by his own minions. Yes, his own bots are turning on him. He’s too liberal.

Tom “Kill All The Mud Races” Tancredo hates him because he actually wants to let some of those icky brown people into the country. Yuck!!!

Other members of the species Knuckledraggus Teabirthus are turning on Armey because he didn’t fight hard enough against ObamaCare. Damn right! How many windows did Dick Armey break? How many propane lines did he cut? How many death threats did he make against liberals? The answer to all three of those questions: None. Pussy!

They’re also turning on him because — and this is just too twisted for words; I can think of only one comparison here. Sorry, brief digression:

A high school history teacher once told us that Josef Stalin murdered one of his top executioners because he was horrified at some of the atrocities committed by this executioner — even though he had committed those atrocities because Stalin ordered him to! Now, whatever you’d call Stalin’s mental state at that exact moment — absent-mindedness, schizophrenia — just try to imagine that state of mind, and now hold that thought:

OK, some of Dick Armey’s minions are turning on him because of all the corporate money he’s brought in to finance their cause. HEELLLLOOOOO!!!!!!!

This corrupt corporate money that Dick Armey has raised is The Reason there IS a teabagging movement. DUUUHHH!!!

These simplefucks actually believe that one day last April, millions of everyday citizens got out of bed that morning and simultaneously thought to themselves: “I’ve had it up to here with that Kenyan president and his fellow communists. I’m gonna make a hand-lettered sign and carry it to the town square and wave it around at passers-by. I know — Taxed Enough Already. God, am I clever or what? And, oh my God, those three words form an acronym. I’ll call it a Tea Party. Wow, I think I’m on to something here.”

“Repeal and Replace”

Fifty years ago, southern rednecks shouted “Segregation Today, Segregation Tomorrow, Segregation Forever!” Twenty-five years before that, their counterparts probably had slogans and dire warnings against public works projects, Social Security and other socialist threats to America. Today nobody even remembers those soundbites and warnings.

And years from now, nobody will remember the Republicans’ current mass tantrum of “Repeal and replace!”

This is the best they can do? Well, at least their new slogan has more syllables than their previous slogan, “No.” Maybe they’ve gotten a tiny bit smarter. Riiight.

Mitch McConnell said: “I have more chins than the Hong Kong phonebook Repeal and replace will be the slogan for the fall.”

Good luck with that. He should’ve just cut to the chase: “We have absolutely nothing to offer. We haven’t had an original idea in decades. All we can do is cross our arms, stamp our feet and say NO.”

I have no idea whether the new health care bill is popular with the public or not. Poll results are all over the map. The rightwads will claim that 99.9% of the public is furious over this government takeover. I doubt it. My guess is, a lot of people are relieved that a decision finally got reached after a full year of hysteria, threats and namecalling. In general, the public likes and respects people who move forward and take decisive action. People who try to turn back the clock, or who stand on the shore and scream for the tide to stop coming in — not so much.

The public also hates spineless wimpy politicians, which is why it was so important for the Democrats to finally score a legislative victory after a year of getting sand kicked in their faces by Republicans.

And this public disdain and disrespect for wusses should be a warning to Republican legislators. Marching in lockstep, doing and saying everything in unison — Congressional Republicans look like a bunch of automatons. Simpletons. Bots.

When Mitch McConnell and John Boehner yell “Shit,” their terrified minions yell “What Color Sir?!?!?”

Is this the kind of “representation” their constituents want? The political process is supposed to be messy, chaotic, full of disagreement, shouting, bargaining. Republican politicians have about as much individuality as a bunch of military recruits executing “To The Rear, March!” with perfect precision because they’re scared shitless of their drill instructor.

Is that what the public wants?

Mitt Romney: COMMUNIST

Fellow Freedom-Loving Americans, we can no longer blame Barack Hussein Obama for the death of our great nation. You won’t believe where the Kenyan Muslim got most of his ideas for socialized medicine.

Would you believe, Mitt Romney. That’s right, Mitt Mao Stalin Romney is the real culprit here.

In the early 1990s, the Heritage Foundation came up with the idea of requiring everybody to purchase health insurance. They liked this “market based” idea much better than the Nanny State approach of requiring employers to provide health coverage or — the worst possibility of all — having those dreaded government bureaucrats provide health insurance.

This “market oriented” individual mandate was the cornerstone of Republican counter-proposals to “Clinton Care” in 1993-94.

In 2004 the Governor of Massachusetts — that would be Mitt Romney — followed through with the Heritage Foundation’s advice. And in 2006 Governor Romney signed the law requiring Massachusetts residents to have health insurance.

The author of this article — Brad DeLong — says:

“Having conquered Massachusetts, RomneyCare is now the law of the land. But how did Republican RomneyCare become Democratic ObamaCare?”

Don’t hold your breath waiting for the rightwing talking heads to start asking these questions. That would require too much (“ugh!”) thinking for their dimwitted listeners.

And now for today’s Bible passage: “Death to all Democrats who voted for health care reform!!!”

Yes, the Far Right’s favorite minister is spewing again. These Holy words of wisdom came from Orange Country Pastor Wiley Drake. Wiley Drake has previously prayed for The Lord to kill President Obama.

Hallelujah! Feel the Love!!!

Now Entering Steve-Kingistan

We don’t know yet what this new country will be called. Rep. Steve King (R—GuidedByVoices) wants to form his own country. And he wants it to be full of teabaggers, birthers, tenthers, racists and all the rest of the winners who’ve been shouting and screeching against health care reform.

What to name the baby — Teabagistan, Birtherville, Racistan, Steve King’s Padded Room? How about a contest?

Last night, right after Freedom Died — tortured and murdered by the United States House of Representatives — Steve King and Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R—Tinfoil) went outside to console the mourning teabirthers. King said:

“I just came down here so I could say to you, God bless you … You are the awesome American people…If I could start a country with a bunch of people, they’d be the folks who were standing with us the last few days.”

I wonder where this new paradise will be. I don’t know about you, but I’m already making my vacation plans.

Last Hurrah for America’s Racist Simple-Minded Reactionaries

Almost every sizeable American city has a street named after Martin Luther King, Jr. Have you ever driven on Sheriff Bull Connor Boulevard?

If tonight’s House vote on health care reform goes the way everyone is predicting, the vile shit-spewage coming out of the neckdrooling teabirther community is just the frantic shrieking of a drowning man going down for the third time.

And what’s the difference between the redneck sheriffs and Ku Klux Klan thugs of the 1960s and today’s teabaggers and HMO patsies? This isn’t a riddle; I mean — I’m asking. Anyone know?

For instance, check out this picture of yesterday’s racist demonstrators in Washington, D.C. Oh wait, that’s the wrong picture. The white robes gave it away; yesterday’s inbreds weren’t wearing them.

OK, here’s another picture of a recent teabagger gathering, where they — oops, wrong picture again. The fire hoses were the giveaway. The teabaggers weren’t using any.

Gee, no fire hoses, no white robes — today’s inbreds really ARE just a little bit better.

If tonight’s House vote goes the way it should — and if it doesn’t, I’ll be making this guy look sober — these past twelve months of teabuggering might fade into a distant memory. A footnote.

Years from now, when most Americans have affordable health insurance — and insurance companies aren’t allowed to drop you because you had the nerve to go and get sick — everyone will be saying “People were against this? What were they thinking? Who WERE these people?”

And there won’t be any streets named after them.

Balancing the Budget with Traffic Fines

If you want to help with the budget deficit, get a traffic ticket or two or three.

A $70 failure-to-buckle-up citation ended up costing an L.A. driver more than ten times that amount, after a shitload of fees and surcharges were added. Damn, I thought only banks could do that. And cell phone carriers, hotels, car rental agencies…

I’m actually in favor of this approach to generating revenue, but ONLY for traffic laws that actually protect the public. If somebody wants to go barreling down the highway without a seatbelt, that person is not endangering anybody else.

In the town where I live, everyone (everyone except the police department, for whatever reason) seems to agree that the city could balance its budget overnight if the cops started ticketing drivers who go careening through pedestrian crosswalks.

You already pay an arm and a leg and your firstborn for parking in a handicapped space if you aren’t handicapped, and driving by yourself in the carpool lane. And DUI of course.

Once in awhile somebody actually gets a ticket for driving too slowly and/or failure to get out of the passing lane so another driver can pass. And once in awhile doesn’t cut it. THIS is where we need a fine so brutal, so crippling, that all motorists will keep a constant eye on the rearview mirror (just like we all learned in Driver Ed). As soon as another vehicle appears in the rearview mirror — “oh shit, somebody wants to pass; I’ve gotta pull over right now!”

And above all, let’s set these traffic fines on a sliding scale. Yes, I’m a class warfare-mongering socialist who hates the free enterprise system; and that story out of Switzerland just made my day. A $290,000 fine for speeding in your Ferrari? Goddamn right!

If you’ve got money coming out of your ears and you’re driving recklessly, or clogging up the left lane while you eat, text, comb your hair and change the CD — you’ll help us balance the budget. Works for me.

And in other news, the latest from the Vatican: “My Pedophiles Had Nothing To Do With It. It Was Their Pedophiles!”

OK, we’ve got that settled.

Conservatives: “We’ve Gotten It Wrong Every Time, But This Time We’re Right”

President Obama compared the approaching health care showdown to earlier battles, before Social Security and Medicare were enacted. He said:

“These retarded knuckledraggers who are shrieking against health care reform are the twisted offspring of the same redneck mouthbreathers who were shrieking against Social Security and Medicare.” (I’m paraphrasing.)

Last summer when Rep. Anthony Weiner proposed abolishing Medicare — to give those “Socialized Medicine!” screamers a chance to put their money where their mouths are — there were no takers. Gee, what happened?

Iraqmire is another example of this “I’m always wrong, but trust me anyway” Syndrome.

Oh, and speaking of Iraqmire — brief digression here — our Cakewalk is seven years old today.

Anyway, you remember 2002 and early 2003, when Bush-Cheney were busy manufacturing fear and paranoia and hysteria over Iraq. Weapons of Mass Destruction! Saddam Hussein is Worse Than Hitler! Saddam is a close ally of Osama bin Laden! Etc.

During this period of Operation Whip Up The Inbreds, expressing any disagreement or skepticism was Verboten! It was the verbal equivalent of burning the American Flag or taking a shit on the Bible.

Now, fast-forward seven years.

During a panel discussion yesterday, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R—Calif.) said he was in favor of the Iraqi invasion at the time, but in retrospect he thinks it was a mistake. Moderator Grover Norquist asked him how many Republicans in Congress agreed with him, that Iraqmire was a mistake.

Rohrabacher: "Well, now that we know that it cost a trillion dollars and all of these years and all of these lives and all of this blood, uh, I don’t know many…I, I can’t. All I can say is the people, everybody I know thinks it was a mistake to go in now.”

Norquist asked Tom McClintock (R—CA) the same question.

McClintock: “I think everyone would agree Iraq was a mistake.”

Norquist then asked Rep. John J. Duncan, Jr. (R—TN) the same question. Duncan didn’t give any numbers but said Iraqmire is very unpopular in his conservative pro-military district.

Those traitors! What a bunch of flag-burning Jesus-hating terrorist sympathizers! I’ll bet they weren’t even born in this country. Where are their birth certificates?!?!?

Warning: The Black Helicopters Are HERE!!!!!

Teabuggerers, Afterbirthers and other Patriotic Americans — Doomsday is here! Ever since Billary Satan Clinton started corrupting this great nation in 1993, we’ve all known this terrible day would arrive.

That dreaded One World Government is here. The sovereignty of this great nation has now ceased to exist. United States of America: 1776 — 2010. What a long strange trip it’s been.

For the first time EVER, the United States will begin submitting its human rights record to international scrutiny. What??? Some tinpot third world hack is going to be scrutinizing the United States of America???

Hillary Clinton announced, “Human rights are universal, but their experience is local. This is why we are committed to holding everyone to the same standard, including ourselves.” Traitor! Commie!

Where does she get off — “Holding everyone to the same standard, including ourselves.”

We’re NOT the same! America is Number One! The United States of America is BETTER than the whole lot of them fourth rate pansies! Didn’t anyone ever tell Billary about Manifest Destiny??? God’s Will???

We don’t have human rights violations here in America! Or if we do, uh, well, er, it’s different when WE do it.

Where are you Chuck Norris? Your country needs you!

Locusts, Birthers and Other Pests

What do you do when you’ve got a bunch of insect pests swarming and buzzing all around you? Flies, mosquitoes, Birthers — Hawaii has decided to just ignore them.

Rightwing fringe groups have used this tactic for a long time — bringing local governments to a standstill by bombarding them with jillions of record requests. And Hawaii’s government agencies have finally had enough.

Instead of denying the afterbirthers’ requests, my choice would be to charge them a huge fee for the information. Make ‘em pay through the yinyang. The birthers themselves should be in favor of this. After all, they’re a bunch of racist inbreds who hate the government. And here they are, requesting a free service from the government they hate. That there’s Socialism!

And just think of the pride that a Birther would feel if he could look at himself in the mirror and think, “I requested a service from the gubmint, and I paid for it myself. Now I cain’t afford no chewin’ tabacca for a coupla weeks, but I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps I did.”

Have you ever donated to a charity, or a cause, and then found out that none of the money actually went to that cause? Don’t feel bad — it happens to rightwing political donors too.

The Republican Majority Campaign — a California PAC — collected $1.7 million from conservative donors last year. More than 98% of that money was used for the group’s own salaries, perks and “operating expenses.” To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, you can have money pouring out of every orifice and still be dumber than a fuckin' stump.

Hey, how about those Compassionate Conservatives? They just keep getting nicer and kinder and gentler all the time.

The local inbreds gathered outside the office of Rep. Mary Jo Kilroy (D-Ohio) yesterday, to shout what Dick Armey and Tim Phillips told them to shout. There was a counter-protest nearby that included a man holding up a sign saying he had Parkinson’s Disease. One of the teabuggerers called him a Communist. Another one threw some money at him. And another one yelled out “If you’re looking for a handout you’re in the wrong end of town.”

And these douchebags are going to take back Congress in November? That does it — beam me up Scotty.

Idaho Governor Tries to Lure Businesses from Oregon

As any Good Republican will tell you, when a state raises taxes or starts smothering businesses with too many cumbersome regulations — Businesses Will Leave! That’s why the red states have such healthy economies and the blue states are all withering on the vine.

Oregon’s voters have approved an initiative that will raise taxes on the state’s wealthiest residents. And the Washington legislature has suspended a voter-approved requirement that a two thirds vote is necessary to raise taxes. All they need now is a simple majority.

To Idaho governor C.L. “Butch” Otter, this spells Opportunity.

Butch Otter (I think there’s a lewd joke in there somewhere) sent a letter last week to business owners in Oregon and Washington. It was titled: “Love letter to our neighbors: Idaho is open for your business.”

Here are some exclusive excerpts from that letter:

“Up here in these parts, we don’t go believe in redistributing a man’s hard-earned money to a bunch of lazy pot smoking parasites. If you’re tired of your tax dollars subsidizing them commie schools and a bunch of tree hugging regelations, come on up. We simple folk up here.

“Employers here can do anything they want, when they want, and there ain’t any of them socialist bureaucrats getting’ in there and regelatin’ stuff. Workers up here know they’re damn lucky to have jobs, so you won’t hear them whining about low wages or dangerous working conditions. One complaint and out they go. If these folks want to put food on their families, they’ll shut the fuck up and keep their noses to the grindstone.

“And if you don’t think reading’ and ritin’ and edumucation is worth a tin shit, Idaho is the place for you. Just take a gander at some of these fine fellers. They ain’t much good at that there booklarnin’ — but if you give one of them a job to do, he’ll keep on working’ and working’ and working’ ‘til the job is done. And you won’t hear him whining about water pollution or endangered species or any of that other claptrap that liberals are always carrying on about.

“As you know, the southern states have a popular saying, ‘thank God for Mississippi.’ Well, I want the entire country to be saying:

Thank God for Idaho.”

Israel’s Bitch is Getting a Little Too Uppity

Whoa! What is happening here???

The Israelis seem to be getting some backtalk from their number one Enabler/Financier/Bitch. What’s the occasion?

This was supposed to be just another routine Get The Swarthies Out operation, just like all the previous ones. When God’s Chosen People decide to move in, the lowly natives have to move over, get out of the way, die or whatever. What’s the problem? Why is it different this time?

Suddenly the slave is talking back to his master. The busboy is yelling at the chef.

These questions are unthinkable, of course, but: What if the United States no longer financed Israel’s ongoing expansion? What if the Israelis no longer had their own private bitch in the United Nations to thwart every international attempt to rein in their endless conquests?

We’d save hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars that are pouring into our “defense” budget. Militant Muslims who hate Israel would no longer blame the U.S. for backing up (with guns and money) everything Israel does. This would do more for our “homeland security” than all the “Patriot Acts” in the world.

What a terrible scenario. The agony!

One hilarious Bizarro World side effect of this situation: America’s favorite loudmouth shitspew is now suddenly extolling the virtues of silence.

Joe Lieberman is blaming the U.S.-Israeli rift on Hillary Clinton, Biden and Obama for publicly reprimanding Israel. Lieberman said that when a bitch finally talks back to her master, she should do it privately. He finished his shitburst by saying:

“Sometimes silence really is golden.”

Somebody should force that asshole to practice what he’s preaching. Quick, get the duct tape.

Health Insurance Crisis — Even Worse Than You Thought

Seattle Times columnist Danny Westneat wrote a recent column about skyrocketing health insurance premiums. In today’s column he says he got a lot of negative comments from readers because that column was too understated. He didn’t go far enough.

A 70-year-old woman said: “I don't know where you got the numbers you're reporting, but they're way too low.” Her own monthly payments — Regence Blue Shield — had gone up 98%, from $98 to $195.

That same 98% increase was reported by another reader, also a customer of Regence Blue Shield.

Another commenter said: “This year saw my premium go up SEVENTY-SIX PERCENT. Not 17%, or even the infamous California 39%.”

Another reader whose premiums had just gone up 76% said: “I can't feel too sorry for those whose premiums were raised 20% — they were lucky.”

Another person, whose monthly payments had gone from $1,150 to $1,692, said: “I don't know — you vote for people who you think might solve some of these problems. But it never seems to happen.”

And another comment: “I'm divorcing myself from both political parties. They're fighting among themselves so much they're not taking care of the United States.”

What else is new…

Republicans will continue digging in their heels because health care reform is “Obama’s Waterloo,” as a certain South Carolina Retard put it. And Jonathan Alter says it a different way:

“This is the Big One, the Super Bowl, for all the marbles. Mitch McConnell and John Boehner can scowl, but Republicans are now nearly irrelevant to the process. The only real question is if Democrats are in the mood to slit their own throats. The bill is complex, but the politics are simple: if health care doesn't pass this spring, Obama's domestic presidency is finished. The Democratic Party will be, to borrow a phrase from Nixon, a ‘helpless, pitiful giant.’”

He also says:

“This is Politics 101, a class that many Democrats apparently flunked. The House Democrats who voted for the bill at the end of 2009 have no choice but to vote for it again if they have any clue as to what's in their political self-interest; the he-was-for-it-before-he-was-against-it ads write themselves. And the more conservative Blue Dog Democrats who voted against it need to understand that no matter how toxic health care is in their districts right now, things will be a lot worse if they have to run under the banner of a failed president. Voters won't reward them for being fake Republicans—they'll vote for the real ones instead.”

We need a lot more of this. We needed it last year, but better late than never.

The SEIU has told Rep. Mike McMahon (D—NY) that if he doesn’t vote for the health care reform bill, the union will throw their support behind a primary challenger.

This is the exact kind of warning — followed by ACTION — that every wavering cowering Democrat needs to hear. If you won’t spine up, you’ll be replaced by someone who will.

Rightwing Douchebag of the Week: Dan Riehl

With so many rightwing shitwads to choose from, this is usually a tight contest. But this week we have a clear winner.

I don’t pay much attention to rightwing pundits, or a lot of the big-name liberal pundits either, for that matter. I first heard of Dan Riehl when an inbred (and unlinked) rightwing blogger was swooning over him a week or two ago.

Oh OK, you twisted my arm. Here he is. Do NOT comment at this site; your comment will be edited/reworded into something you won’t like.

Anyway, back to Dan “My Daddy Married His Sister” Riehl. Who else but a deranged rightwing pukebag would make sick jokes about Harry Reid’s wife being critically injured in a car accident?

Yes I get his “joke,” that since those evil liberals don’t worship fetuses, then why in tarnation would they get all worked up over some 69-year-old woman with a broken back and broken neck? Teeheeheeheehee.

The sack of putrid also quipped that Harry Reid shouldn’t bill the taxpayers for a full day’s work on Friday, March 12th, since he spent most of that day at his wife’s hospital bedside.

Harry Reid may be old, but he’s a former Golden Gloves. He should pay Dan Riehl a visit.

Too Much Medical Testing — If You Can Afford It

American medical patients seem to be divided into two categories:

1. Those who don’t have access to medical care. Can’t afford the high insurance premiums, pre-existing condition, got dumped by the HMO after committing the heinous crime of getting sick — you know the drill.

2. Patients who are getting tested and poked and prodded and X-rayed and treated to death. And over-prescribed and over-medicated and referred to one specialist after another after another.

Sick people are either not getting any medical care whatsoever, or they’re being tested and treated within an inch of their lives.

There’s kind of an odd similarity with the employment situation. Either you’re out of work because you’ve been downsized, or you still have your job and you’re doing the work of five people. And you don’t dare complain about carrying the workload of your downsized co-workers; you’re just grateful to have a job.

Sort of an odd parallel here, no? A certain syndrome. Is there a name for it?

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In Norway, there’s a doomsday seed vault with half a million seed samples. It’s the world’s most diverse repository of seeds. It contains one third of the world’s crop seeds.

It’s a great idea and all that, but — does Monsanto know about this?

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And now it’s time for our Family Values Lesson of the Day. Utah’s house majority leader Kevin Garn will preach the Gospel:

“And Jesus said, go ahead and violate my teachings all you want, as long as you pay off the bitch and tell her to keep her fuckin’ mouth shut.”

Advice to Democrats from Michael Moore and Bill Maher

Michael Moore said:

“Democrats are in for an ass-whipping of biblical proportions in November if they don't get off the dime and do the job they were sent there to do. Don't they see that?

“When the Republicans come into town, they get in the hummer, and they drive down Pennsylvania Avenue and mow down anybody in sight. They walk into Congress with both guns blazing, and they say 'we were sent here to do a job,' and then they do the job.

“Democrats come in, and go, 'Oh, hi, hi. I guess we don't need universal health care for everybody. We can, we can, no we can compromise. It's okay.' They used to at least sing 'Kumbaya.' Now they go in like frightened animals. I don't understand it.

“Americans don't really see themselves as Democrats or Republicans. They want somebody in there who believes in something, who's going to go for it.”

In case that wasn’t blunt enough, Bill Maher reprimanded Obama with:

“I think the biggest mistake that he has made in his first year was to put bipartisanship ahead of fixing the country.”

Obama should have “come in with all the energy from the election and saying, you know what, we're in a crisis mode, I won this election by a sizable mandate — here's what we're going to do; if you don't like it, Republicans, you can suck on it.”

If only…

But it’s never too late. Or is it???

This last quote isn’t relevant to this particular subject, but last summer Bill Maher said: “We don't have a left and a right party anymore because Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital.”

Chief Justice John Roberts’ Hurt Feelings — Part XVIII

“The pwesident said mean things about me, wight in fwont of evewybody. MOMMY!?!?!?!”

When the Supreme Court reverses a legal trend that started in the early 1900s, we’re all supposed to just keep quiet and not say a word. Bribery is now a constitutional right, but sssshhhhhhh…

The Supreme Court’s “Bribery is just hunky dory” decision is possibly the Court’s most unpopular decision ever. To the vast, vast majority of Americans — and this cuts across all political lines — this decision sucks. Liberal, conservative, religious, atheist — practically everybody agrees that this absurd boneheaded — OOPS!

ssssshhhhhhhhh…

Anyway, it’s all water under the bridge now. Bribery is now a constitutional right, and this summer the Supreme Court will probably create another new constitutional right:

Fraud.

Hey, fraud schmaud. Let the buyer beware. A Real American doesn’t need a big smothering nanny state to protect him/her from crooked businesses and politicians. It’s a rough and tumble Free Market out there. Man up and fend for yourself or die.

The fraud/corruption convictions of Jack Abramoff, William Jefferson, Jeff Skilling — among others — could be overturned when the Supreme Court hears their appeals later this year. The law they violated might be “too vague.”

And anyway, perhaps our Founding Fathers envisioned fraud — as well as bribery — as cherished American freedoms, to be enshrined forever in the Bill of Rights.

Sarah Palin Seriously Ill

Nobody knows what she’s suffering from. There hasn’t been a diagnosis. For that matter, she hasn’t even reported any physical symptoms yet.

But it’s just a matter of time.

As we all know, socialized medicine does NOT work. The quality of care is completely incompetent, delivered by faceless inept bureaucrats who are so damn busy watching the clock, they’re not paying any attention to the patients they’re operating on. You have to wait six months (or is it sixteen?) just to get a doctor’s appointment; and that’s for emergencies.

And those endless waiting periods in the emergency room are legendary. When a doctor does finally deign to come out and “help” the next person, he/she often trips over the corpses of those who died while they were waiting.

And the rationing. Hell, I’ll just come out and say it: Death Panels! You’re too old, too young, not politically correct, not productive enough — DIE!!!!

And now we find out that Sarah — Willingly! Knowingly! — has subjected herself to the excruciatingly decrepit pestilent medical “care” offered by those primitive Canadians.

Sarah, what were you thinking? Why on Earth would you do this? WHY??!?!?!?

God only knows what horrible side effects await poor Sarah. Medical symptoms that grew worse and worse while she was kept waiting by that so-called “doctor,” unwashed filthy medical instruments, wrong prescriptions — we have no idea what awful disease will rear its head, or when. Tomorrow, next week, next year…

Sarah Palin will be sorely missed by hundreds of late night comedians and millions of bloggers.

In other news: Joe Biden has assured Israel that “America will always be your bitch. When you say ‘Bend Over!’ we’ll say ‘How Low Sir?!?’”

Health Care Reform Could Derail the Stock Market!

Wait! Hold the phone! I’ve suddenly realized what a disaster Obamacare would be for the stock market.

I’ve seen the light!

Jim Cramer spells it out. Stocks are rallying, and right now a huge expansion of government bureaucracy and higher taxes — i.e. socialized medicine — would wreck everything. And he’s right.

We need to look at the larger picture. Enough already with the whining: “I have cancer and my HMO just dropped my coverage, WAAAAAHHH!!!”

These self-centered class warriors need to think more about Wall Street instead of themselves, for a change. Instead of:

“My spouse has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and on top of that, I’m afraid we’re gonna lose the house and our life savings!!!”

Look up, take a deep breath, force yourself to smile, and say:

“Hey, have you seen the Dow Jones report today? Fantastic!”

Fortunately, the abortion issue might derail this government takeover of our health care. Come on, Fetus-Head “Bart” Stupak — Wall Street is counting on you!

In other news: Tom DeLay admitted he became America’s most hated reviled shat-on politician because he wanted to.

Kansas City Don’t Need None of That There Edumucation

What the fuck is happening to this country? How much further do we have to sink before we become the world’s number one basket case?

Kansas City is short on money (who isn’t?), so of course the first thing to go on the chopping block is Booklarnin’. Kansas City might close half of its public schools because of a $50 million budget shortfall.

There’s nothing else they could cut besides education? How about enforcement of hundreds of those victimless “crime” laws? How about a few overpaid government administrators and assistant-to-the-assistants?

A local 32-year-old father of two said that during his school days, he transferred from a top private school to the Kansas City public school system because of their high quality. Now he’s appalled at the deterioration and wonders where the money went:

“It's crazy. I just hope that with all the changes that they are planning on making, that the kids are the ones who are the most important and that hopefully they will get the resources and the education they need to be successful.”

If public schools (followed closely by libraries) go the way of the stagecoach and the hula hoop, there’s still a hopeful alternative: Hoem Skooling. And this way, you won’t have to clutter up your children’s minds with any of that there science and eevolooshin and such like.

If home schooling parents want to pretend the universe revolves around the Old Testament, they’re entitled. But just maybe, there could be a few home schooling texts available for families who know what century this is.

One of the most popular home schooling textbooks begins its biology chapter with:

“Those who do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God will find many points in this book puzzling. This book was not written for them.”

All righty then…

And speaking of dinosaurs — you probably saw this story a few days ago: Scientists are now certain that the dinosaurs were killed off by an asteroid.

Unfortunately, I think it missed a few of them.

Armed, Inbred and Dangerous

Phrase One: We Came Unarmed. This time.

Phase Two: He was armed and, well, you know the rest.

John Patrick Bedell didn’t fit the stereotype of the toothless low-IQ white trash imbecile who spends too much time watching Fox News. But he apparently had a long history of mental illness, and ended up falling under the spell of anti-government hysteria.

A few weeks ago Joseph Stack staged his own mini-9/11 by flying his plane into an IRS building. And before that, Scott Roeder murdered a doctor who provided abortions, much to the joy and euphoria of the fetus-worshiping community.

What will Phase Three bring us?

After manufacturing a certain amount of “Whip Up The Inbreds” hysteria, should Rush Limbaugh, Fred Phelps, Glenn Beck, James Dobson and their ilk be held accountable? Are they exercising their First Amendment free speech rights, or are they yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater?

Pay No Attention to the Mouthbreathing Rightwad Behind the Curtain

If you read “liberal” news sites, you’ve already known for the past year about the sickfuck twisted devious methods of Republican strategists. But then, if you go to those sites, you’re probably a liberal anyway — aka “preaching to the choir.”

But now — finally! — the mainstream media is actually waking up. For this brief moment, the general public is finding out what the rest of us have known all along.

You already knew that Republicans eat their young. The GOP is nothing but a gang of slippery lowlifes who will do anything — whatever it takes! — to keep their corporate masters propped up. And now John Q. Public knows it too.

Even with the public’s notoriously short attention span — Hey! Quit Looking Around! — this might be a case of not being able to put the toothpaste back into the tube (as one of the Watergate conspirators put it).

After all, when you find out how a magician does his tricks, you’re no longer gonna go “Wow! He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!” Hopefully some of the independent/swing voters will consider the source when they hear the next outburst of “Socialism!” “Government Takeover!” “Muslim!” “Born in Kenya!” And just maybe, some of the top GOP donors will be a little less “giving” after seeing themselves described as “ego-driven” and “easily pacified with tchochkes.”

Rolling Stone is another vehicle for reaching millions of people who probably don’t read DailyKos, AlterNet, Think Progress, etc. Matt Taibbi’s articles and exposés have been a Godsend. And the newest Rolling Stone has The GOP’s Dirty War by Tim Dickinson. Come on people, get informed.

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And now, calling all elderly Dinosaurs: Ron Banks, lead singer of the Dramatics, died of a heart attack yesterday. The only song I remember from them was “What You See Is What You Get.” That song just killed. It was one of the few radio hits that I never ever got tired of, no matter how many times it got played.

R.I.P.

Thursday Grab Bag

What’s the best way to handle our Wall Street parasites? Maybe Indonesia has the right idea.

While we sit here helplessly wringing our hands, Indonesians are taking it to the streets. Thousands of people were rioting in Jakarta yesterday and the day before. And it might happen in Ireland too. Irish political leaders are worried about “revolution in the streets” of Dublin if AIB gets another bailout.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Or we could take our cue from those elderly pensioners in Germany. They kidnapped and tortured the financial advisor who had cost them $2 million out of their life savings. The kidnappers ranged in age from 60 to 74.

Meanwhile, back in the U. S. of A. — Let’s put Ronald Reagan’s picture on the fifty dollar bill.

[sigh]

Your Tax Dollars are helping to defeat health care reform. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is an umbrella lobbying organization for Big Business. They’ve probably outspent everybody else when it comes to defeating health care reform. (And financial reform, and clean energy legislation…)

The best thing about the U.S. Chamber of Commerce — if you’re a crooked CEO — is that you can spend billions of dollars to bribe Congress, but you can use the Chamber as a middle man; a clearinghouse. Let’s say you’ve “donated” $25 million to the Chamber to help defeat socialized medicine. Your own company won’t have to suffer any negative feedback from the lowly public. The only thing they’ll know is that the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has donated X amount of money toward defeating health care reform.

When a drug cartel does this, we call it money laundering.

Anyway, the Chamber’s membership includes some of the largest banks that were bailed out by American taxpayers. So when the U.S. Chamber of Commerce spends jillions of dollars to defeat health care reform — and everything else that’s in the public interest — it’s Your Tax Dollars At Work.

Wingtard Reason #5,999 Not to repeal DADT: Muslim terrorists might be offended if gays are allowed to serve in America’s military forces. We’re trying to kill them but we don’t want to offend them?!?!?!?!?

That flash of brilliance came from Missouri State Senator Gary Nodler, who’s running for Congress. His exact quote was:

“I never said that this would be a cultural affront to terrorists. I don’t care what they think. I said it would be a cultuaral affront to the Muslims in who’s country we are operating. We can not win the hearts and minds of the people by insulting them and ignoring the standards of their culture. “

And whin he wuz in skool he gott very loe graids on hiz reportt kard.

Brazil to U.S.: “I’m Not Your Houseboy Any More”

For generations, our Latin American colonies did exactly what we told them to do, when we told them to do it — if they knew what was good for them. This was God’s Will.

But now some of these natives are getting all uppity on us.

How can we build Coalition of the Willing 2.0 — or would that be Son of Coalition of the Willing — if them darkies won’t yell “How high, Sir?” when we yell “Jump!”

Hillary Clinton was in Brazil, trying to drum up support for international sanctions against Iran. But Brazil wasn’t bending over this time. Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva said:

“It is not prudent to push Iran against a wall. The prudent thing is to establish negotiations.”

Brazil is a voting member of the U.N. Security Council, so it was important for Clinton to whip up the proper hysteria against those crazy Muslims. But Silva responded to Clinton with:

“I want for Iran the same thing I want for Brazil: to use the development of nuclear energy for peaceful purposes. If Iran agrees with that, Iran will have the support of Brazil.”

In other words — Appeasement. Negotiating with terrorists!

Well, Plan A didn’t work. Now we move to Plan B: Iran has Weapons of Mass Destruction! Iran has close ties with Osama bin Laden! Most of the 9/11 hijackers were from Iran!

Rightwing Hate Groups — The Infection is Spreading

No, it’s not just your imagination. There really has been a huge increase in the amount of crazed tinfoil-hattery on the Right. Anti-government militia groups, anti-immigrant vigilantes, Nazi/KKK-type racist fucks — they’re all multiplying and spreading like dysentery in a refugee camp.

According to a report called Rage On The Right — compiled by the Southern Poverty Law Center — rightwing extremism has increased 244% in the past year.

In 2008 there were 149 of these “Patriot” groups. By the end of 2009 there were 512 of them.

Chip Berlet, an analyst of the American radical right, said:

“We are in the midst of one of the most significant right-wing populist rebellions in United States history. We see around us a series of overlapping social and political movements populated by people [who are] angry, resentful, and full of anxiety. They are raging against the machinery of the federal bureaucracy and liberal government programs and policies including health care, reform of immigration and labor laws, abortion, and gay marriage.”

And in a related story: Crazed rightwing shit disturbers have gotten a lot more air time on Cable TV stations.

Think there might be a connection?

This Mother Jones article says:

"Righteous anger is one thing. Manufacturing fear, dare we say terror, is another — and over the past year, we have seen cynical politicians and talk-show demagogues increasingly willing to traffic in it. It's no longer just handfuls of militia types trading overheated conspiracy theories; it's America's most popular cable news network giving gobs of airtime to people who all but advocate armed insurrection. It's the man who is now our newest senator chortling that maybe Barack Obama was born out of wedlock."

Beware: The Onslaught of the New Apostolic Reformation

This article describes them as “the largest religious movement you’ve never heard of.”

Just what we need, another gang of inbred snake-handling psychos, oozing their way into our communities, school districts and local governments. This illustrious group — among other claims to fame — has geographic maps of where demons reside.

If you ever saw the movie Frailty, that last sentence probably has an eerie creepy sense of familiarity. And you thought it was just a movie. BWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA.

Sarah Palin is part of this group (nothing like spelling out the obvious). Among other stunts, these misfits held a “prayer meeting” to put a hex on health care reform. Oh well, go ahead and laugh — it worked.

This group has a worldwide reach. They played a large role in shaping Uganda’s proposed “Death to Homosexuals!” law. And they act locally, oozing and seeping into all branches of the federal government, the military, state governments, city councils…

They’ve got you covered.

According to the article, the New Apostolic Reformation has videos which “demonstrate the taking control of communities and nations through large networks of 'prayer warriors' whose spiritual warfare is used to expel and destroy the demons that cause societal ills. Once the territorial demons, witches, and generational curses are removed, the 'born-again' Christians in the videos take control of society.”

Betcha can’t wait.